An imaginary conversation about people who wear cologne

Is it OK to kill people who wear cologne? Especially people at work?

YES! No question. They deserve death.

I’m glad someone agrees.

Totally. I’m not against fragrance in general, but you shouldn’t be able to smell it from more than neck nuzzling distance.

I’m suffocating because the guy in the cubicle behind me is wearing a shit ton of it. It’s not a horrible smelling scent, but I can’t fucking breathe.

Death seems appropriate.

On the other hand…


Hear me out: if I pin a note to my dress explaining why I suffocated and died, he will feel bad forever. I’d like that, and all humanity would be better off because he would mend his ways out of guilt.

That is a great point, but he should be the one who dies in this scenario. We’d miss you if you died.

Even if he would be punished more if I die? I’m willing to make that sacrifice for the good of humanity.

You are practically a saint.

Or I could sack up and just tell him that his cologne not only makes me sick, but violates our company’s  “fragrance fee” policy.

That seems a little extreme.

Like…communicating directly…

Who does that?

Exactly. Oh good–now he is sneezing too.

Is he connecting it to his own bad acts?

No. I need to hurry up and die or he’ll think it’s just a coincidence.

Make sure the note explaining your demise is pinned firmly to your dress. You don’t want it to fall off when you fall gracefully to the floor.

I should write the note in gold Sharpie, don’t you think? Maybe on red or black paper?

Good idea. It would add flair.

It’s important to die dramatically if it’s to benefit humanity. There is a side benefit, too.

What’s that?

I’m coming down with a cold.

I’m not following…

Have you ever been around me when I have a cold?

Apparently not. Are you awful?

I like to think I am.

You like to?

Yes, I pretend to be awful and demanding when I’m sick. In real life, though, if people just leave me alone I’m fine.

Do they?

If they’re smart. Don’t laugh. I can be terrible to behold at times. Especially if someone tries to be nice to me when I’m sick.

I’ve known you a long time and haven’t beheld anything too awful.

Of course you haven’t because I stay in my cave when I’m sick.  You won’t tell anyone I’m not horrible will you?

Your secret is safe with me!