800 words about being a weirdo

Dilemma: I don’t want to be like everyone else, but I don’t want people to think I am weird in a bad way. I still want them to like me. Except for the people who I think suck. Them, I don’t care about.

Is it weird to write a list of all the reasons why I am weird? It is, isn’t it?

Well, I can’t think of anything to write about so it’s time for a list.
Why am I weird?

1. I don’t brush my hair. Not even when I wash it. Exceptions? Sure, for some special occasions like weddings I do brush my hair or on the rare occasions I need to look normal. If I ever had a job interview, I might. I aspire to hair that is as messy as Helena Bonham Carter’s or Neil Gaiman’s. I can only dream.

2. I like ramen noodles for breakfast. Or any noodles, really.

3. I am writing a list of reasons I am weird.

4. I am writing a list of reasons I am weird and can’t think of any.

5. Although I will not wear shoes that hurt my feet, I love high heels.

6. I own several black fedoras.

7. On most days, when I get dressed for work, there is at least one inappropriate element which prevents me from looking like a sane person. Often, my shoes.

8. I have a penchant for cleavage exposure. The men are all saying “that’s not weird at all,” aren’t they?

9. In addition to the cleavage, I have a tattooed chest. In spite of the tattoos, if someone asks me where I got my work done, I assume they are implying that I have had breast surgery when they are clearly talking about my ink.

10. I have a penchant for using words like penchant.

11. I have a penchant for references that only make sense to one other person on the planet. If that. It makes Dennis Miller look like he coddles the weak.

12. I read children’s books. To myself. Over and over. Ask me about the Oz books. Anything. I dare you. Although I sort of skipped over the little kid books and went straight to teenage books and then adult books. I learned to read freakishly early.

13. My tattoos? Poppies. Battlefields, memory, sleep, Oz. Why is that weird? They take up a lot of body space. And then there’s the duck. A duck? Yes. A pre-Columbian duck. He’s in black and white. The poppies are all red. Why a duck? Why not?

14. I used to have almost all of my body parts commonly covered with clothes pieced, except my navel. Yes, that probably means what you think it does. No, not anymore. I got bored.

15. I was at a party the first time I saw Cindy Lauper on television, and everyone at the party stopped dancing and said “Look, Michelle–she dresses like you!” Hey, at least I didn’t wear my underwear on the outside like Madonna. And no, I don’t have any pictures. If anyone does, please post them! I would particularly love a picture of the gold lace dress…

16. I take pictures of the sky almost every day. Often from the same spot.

17. When I was 15 or 16, I got fired from my 2nd job, and someone told me I was fat, lazy, stupid and would never amount to anything or be able to keep a job. I’ve worked at the same company since 1990 because I enjoy proving people wrong. Excessively. My reactions to things might be..a little bit…extreme. No, I haven’t had the same job the whole time. I’d go nuts. Yes, I agree that I should get over what he said at this point.

18. When I am in the car, shower, or just home alone, I sing. If I don’t sing, I hum. If I am out walking, sometimes I sing accidentally. I make up songs and sing them to the cat.

19. I play Words With Friends…with strangers.

20. People should be able to do whatever they want to do sexually, with however many people they want to do it with, as long as it is truly consensual. Yes, I mean whatever. No, I don’t mean they should be able to marry their dog. Do I need to define “consensual” for you?

21. I have bathed in public on multiple occasions.

22. Maybe I’m not as weird as I think I am. This is a short list.

23. I thought of another really good thing just now while I was in the shower, but by the time I finished my shower, dried off and got to a writing device I had forgotten what it was. That’s not the weird part. The weird part is that I am telling people about it.

24. Between the age of 18 and maybe 35, I didn’t date any Americans. Not by any sort of particular choice. They didn’t ask. I didn’t notice. I was busy with everyone else.

25. I absolutely love to quibble with inspirational quotes on Twitter. Sometimes on Twitter. Sometimes to myself. Sometimes here.

26. Even though I am 50, I still believe that the monsters can’t get me if I have a sheet over me. Preferably covering my neck. If I get too hot, I can uncover my feet.

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