So one of the weird things that’s going on is that I am totally off balance. I am used to having my shit together, and I having some trouble with that. Worse, I am having trouble cutting myself slack about it.
It’s not like I am a wreck all the time. I’m not missing work. I’m not laying in bed crying all day. Mostly I am fine. A lot of the time, I am even happy.
It’s a bunch of small things.
Not being able to focus. Reading is difficult. Writing is just about impossible. Well, writing anything decent anyway. Remembering things I need to do. I’ll find myself in a room not remembering why I walked into it. I’ll find myself sitting on the edge of the bed just staring at the wall. I am still having trouble sleeping. I was trying to put together some simple paperwork and a basic budget, all the numbers just ran together and I ended up crying about it. Stupid. Something I could usually do in 15 minutes while standing on my head. It totally fucked me up.
And instead of accepting it, because this is all normal–I am in a stressful situation right now on several levels–I am kicking myself for not being in a better emotional state. I am should-ing and shouldn’t-ing myself about everything. What I eat or don’t eat. Not getting enough exercise. Not making an appointment to see a doctor. Not getting the faucet outside fixed. Watching a movie instead of going ice skating. Writing a message, deleting it, rewriting it, re deleting it instead of just picking up the phone.
I’m calling myself names again, too, and I was doing a hell of a lot better with that before. Not perfect, but good. Who does it help if I call myself a dumb ass? It doesn’t help me. It doesn’t help anyone else. So why do it? Especially since it isn’t even true. I might fuck up sometimes, but I am certainly not a dumb ass. Except that I kind of am about some things.
Still.
Why is it so difficult for me to be nice to myself?
Can I expect anyone else to treat me well if I treat myself like this?
Yeah, yeah. I know the answer to that.
Is it OK to call myself a dumb ass when I act like I am an Emo 14’year old?
Still no?
I know, I know. Working on it.