An imaginary conversation about imaginary football boyfriends

You know what?


Do you want to?


You don’t sound very enthusiastic about it!

Maybe I will warm up as the conversation progresses.

No pressure.



So are you going to tell me?


The thing you were starting to say.

Right. What was it?


It’s not like it was a show stopper.


I was just wondering about something.

Should I be worried?

About what I might say? Always.

About whatever particular thing is on your beautiful mind right this minute?

You don’t ever worry about anything.

I try not to.

It kind of pisses me off. It would be more flattering if you worried sometimes.




That you’re a creep?

Do you really think I am a creep?

Are you worried about it?



You are a very odd woman.


See? Most people don’t think that’s a compliment.

You didn’t mean it in a nice way? You sounded sort of admiring and impressed.

Right. Impressed. Exactly. I do like almost everything about you…

What don’t you like?

Never mind that. You had something to say which I am sure was very important.

Way to deflect!

How ’bout those Ducks!?

Oh! That’s what I was going to tell you!


Devon Allen knows how to wiggle his ears.

The wide receiver?

Uh huh. He’s adorable, fast, can jump hurdles, catch a football AND wiggle his ears. He is definitely in the running to be my imaginary football boyfriend this year.

Good to know.

Well, since I don’t have a real boyfriend, I might be spending more time than usual on the selection.

I didn’t realize this was something that was important to you.

It is.

What does the position entail?

For the imaginary boyfriend?


Nothing. I might wear a jersey with his number on it. Mostly I cheer for them and refer to them as my imaginary football boyfriend at tailgaters.

I see. You don’t meet them and have a secret handshake or anything.

No, I wish! That would be cool. It’s all currently strictly imaginary.

Who else is in the running?

Chance Allen. I might pick both of the Allens.

Who else?

The other option is the offensive line.

All of them?

They never get any love, and I like Mooses as much as anyone.

When will you decide?

I need to decide before the first game!

Well. Get some rest. You don’t want to make such an important decision of you aren’t well rested.

Thanks for understanding.

You’re welcome.

Why are you shaking your head?

Go Ducks!