An imaginary conversation about Christmas

If I never hear another Christmas song it will be too soon. Bing Crosby should be boiled in oil!

(Stops humming “White Christmas” and tries to look sympathetic)

Don’t you agree? The stores were all decorated before Halloween was even over!

(Hides the box of Christmas lights about to be hung up in her cubicle)

Is that a wreath I smell?

Uh. Maybe. No. Uh. Busted.

Where are you putting it?

The same place most people put wreaths. On my front door, right next to the Christmas skeleton.

The Christmas what??


I see.

Someone criticized me for forgetting to take it down after Halloween one year, and he has been hanging by the front door ever since.

A skeleton?

Yes. After Thanksgiving, I put a Santa hat on him.

Of course you do.

He’s very festive. I love Christmas.

You do?? You don’t seem like the type. For one thing, you hate shopping.

That much is true. I do hate shopping. Everything else? Love. Garland. Wreaths. Cheesy decorations. Classy decorations. Lights. Candles. Making candy. Trees both natural and artificial. The Grinch. Rudolph.

I never would have guessed.

Clearly you have never been to my house between Thanksgiving and Epiphany.

I guess not.

It’s like Christmas puked all over.

Nice analogy.

Well. Yeah. I’m a real wordsmith.

You really are.

You really don’t like Christmas music?

Loathe it.

Even if it’s Judy Garland singing?


Have you ever seen “Meet Me In St. Louis?”

I don’t think so.

No wonder you think you don’t like Christmas.

And seeing that would help?

Judy Garland…

What else would you prescribe, Dr. Christmas?

“Love, Actually”

No. Just no.

Have you seen it?


Then don’t argue. It’s charming. A little boy says “let’s go get the shit kicked out of us by love” and I cry.

You cry? Is this a good thing?

Of course. Haven’t you ever seen “It’s A Wonderful Life?”


You don’t cry?

No, why?

Are you kidding? How can you not cry???

It has a happy ending.

Yeah, but…wow. Seriously, you don’t cry?


I’m not sure we can still be friends…there is nothing more therapeutic than a good movie cry.

What?? It’s OK, I cry during the Charlie Brown Christmas show when Linus does his speech at the end.

Well….I guess that makes up for it.

So let’s get back to the Christmas skeleton.

I don’t think it’s that weird.


My rubber duckie Nativity is weirder.

You are entirely made of of nothing but pure class, aren’t you.

Ohhhh, thank you for noticing!