Either you can leave the past behind
Or give me something to disconnect my mind
I sleep with my fists clenched tight
When I don’t lie awake all night
I guess time gave up the ghost too late
And the balance of our love
Very soon turns to hate
–E. Costello/Tears Before BedtimeThat whole situation sucks the life out of you. You need to focus on what breathes life into you…
–Paddy
Second chances seem like such a positive thing.
Forgiveness. Kindness. Trust. Faith.
No one really talks about the “yeah, but” though.
Yeah, but how do you really trust someone again who has done things that show you shouldn’t trust them?
Yeah, but how do you keep letting people into your life when they don’t want to do anything to bring you into theirs?
Yeah, but how do you believe that someone wants you in their life when they are completely unwilling to do anything to demonstrate that except say the words?
Yeah, but how can you be as open hearted and trusting as you need to be with a friend or lover if they can’t even answer a simple question like “what are you doing for Christmas?”
Yeah, but how many chances do you give someone before you realize that it isn’t going to work, and you can’t fix it by yourself?
Yeah, but…
I’ve learned that I really can forgive anyone nearly anything, except myself. That is something I have yet to master.
It’s silly too, because I haven’t done anything very wrong. I trusted someone a little too much. I accepted too little in return. I allowed myself to be a bit player in someone’s life when I knew I wanted to be in the middle of it. I gave someone too many chances to prove that they wanted the same thing.
You can’t change other people, but sometimes I feel like if I can change myself, I can be more accepting of an existing situation. More something. Maybe less something. Better. But why do I have to be different?
Obviously I don’t.
And I would do it all again. The definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result each time. Well, I don’t really expect a different result, but I do hope for one.
Yeah, but isn’t hope a good thing?
It is. Mostly. Sometimes, though, you just have to acknowledge that sometimes people don’t want the same thing as you do. You can have all the caring in the world on both sides, but if you don’t want the same thing it can’t work. Not unless one person is willing to bend.
Bending is fine. Bending is even good and necessary at times. But not at the cost of giving up things that are essential to you. In my case, I had to actually sit down and make a list in order to see just how far I was going to have to bend. It seems like it’s just too far. It seems like I have to give up too much. It seems like I’m not getting enough in return. It seems like I’m selfish for wanting more, though I know I am not. All I want is something real. Something I can trust.
Ultimately if I am at a point where I question every thing someone says or doesn’t say, then I don’t see much hope. It doesn’t even matter if I should or shouldn’t trust them. It doesn’t even matter why I don’t. The fact is, if I don’t trust someone, then there isn’t a solid foundation for the relationship. It’ll will crumble no matter what I do. It goes for any relationship.
It’s sucking up a lot of emotional energy at a time when I don’t have a lot to spare.
Yeah, but I still say I would do it all again?
Yeah. I would. In a heartbeat. If I am going to fuck something up, I would rather fuck it up by giving someone too many chances than no chance at all. Even if it hurts. I’d rather be wrong about trusting a few people than never trust anyone. If it hurts enough, even I will have to acknowledge that it won’t work for me.
If I love somebody, I hope I am always willing to give them a second chance, until it hurts enough that I have to let go. At least for a time. Until our needs are closer together, maybe. Until he wants to have something more than too close to nothing. Until I want less than I do. Who knows. I suspect nothing is ever permanent about this.
I’ll try harder to take my own advice to myself. I’ll try harder to take the very good advice offered by my friends. Focusing on what breathes life into me, and letting things go that don’t should make it easier.
If I can manage it.
If nothing else, I have a very good list of what I want that I can refer back to. I suspect it isn’t really goodbye at this point..I hope it isn’t even if I am the one pulling back.