Where there is hatred let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
And where there is sadness, joy
–The prayer of St. Francis
I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next.
Resolutions are not something I have a talent for. They are like promises, and I hate breaking promises…especially to myself. No, that isn’t true. I break promises to myself all the time. I’ll do anything I can to keep a promise I make to someone else. Promises to myself are not a priority to me. Yeah. I’m working on it.
Typically I avoid making resolutions like I avoid going to the gym in January and February. I don’t want to be caught up in the crowd of oath breakers any more than I want to be caught in the crowds of people trying to find a parking space before spin class at 24 Hour Fitness.
Maybe I should have outward facing resolutions this year. If I make resolutions to benefit other people, it seems like I might have more of a chance to keep them. I’d probably have to make the promises to a specific person…well…hmmm.
In the spirit of the mandatory spirit of the season, I hereby resolve to:
1. Try to be kinder.
2. Try to be more focused on other people and less on myself. For a person as massively self-centered as I am, this will be a challenge.
3. Try to be kinder. I know, I already said it. I really do want to be kinder.
4. Try to be more tolerant. Of my own faults, and of everyone else’s. I could summarize that as “Give everyone a fucking break.” Part of this will involve not taking everything so personally. See point #2 above about everything NOT being about me.
5. Try to remember that everyone has their own issues to deal with, and if they are shitty to me, it just might be because of those issues and not something I did.
6. Try to keep everything in balance. What? Everything is too much? But…
well…I’d really like to have everything be in balance. Not just some things.
7. Try to chill the fuck out.
That’s kind of a lot of trying, isn’t it? Maybe I should resolve to get better at making resolutions. Then I could make a list of concrete actions I will need to take in order to achieve that goal.
In an ideal world, I would become one of those amazing people who are always thinking of others first and bringing casseroles to sick friends and shit. Stop laughing.
What? Nothing about exercising and eating better? Isn’t that mandatory in any sort of resolution list? Sigh. Covered under being kinder to myself, I think, and also under balance. I do realize that the 3 day long parties are not really the best thing for my 51 year old body and mind. But they are sooooo fun! I wasn’t supposed to have to worry about this kind of shit–I always thought I’d die before I was forty. (Yes, really. No reason. Just one of those weird things I came up with as a kid)
I’m not planning on going to Cabo this year. See? I’m already being successful with my resolutions! What about my plans for 12/31-1/2? Never mind about that. I’m planning on pacing myself in a balanced way. The whole time. No, I’m sure having Rocky, Kyle and Rick pouring me drinks all day for several consecutive days will be fine. Yes, my liver can tell that I am lying, and I’m sure there will be pictures to prove just how unbalanced I was at the dawn of the new year.
The year in review is equally problematic. It was a transitional year. That’s the diplomatic way to say it. My marriage came to an end. Other relationships changed in various ways. Change is always hard, so this has not been an easy year for me, for Mark, for our families. The changes will work out for the best, but getting there has been a bit of an ordeal.
On the other hand, there have been a lot of positive changes. Personal growth. Professional growth. I’ve remembered how creative I am. I’m living with more feeling. Being more emotionally open. I’ve seen some friendships evolve and grow. Others have been let go for the time being.
I’ve found my voice again, on several levels.
I can’t wait to see what happens in the coming year. I’m excited about it. Looking forward, but not too far forward.
Curious. Wondering. Happy, mostly.
It will be a good year.
It WILL be a good year.
For you all, too.
Happy New Year, everybody!