Periodic review of life’s blessings

There’s been so much personal turmoil and work drama in my life in the last several months that I have been full of all sorts of strange, turbulent feelings. Fear and anxiety were taking the lead in a way that is strange for me. I’m always optimistic about life in my own odd, pessimistic way.  After a week in which meeting someone special has reminded me there are a lot of great things waiting for me, I know I have been remiss in gratitude.  A trip to Eugene did a lot to remedy that.

The thing about going to Eugene is that in a lot of ways it’s not like real life. It’s a respite from reality because I only have to be around people I love. I see my friends and family. We enjoy good food, tasty beverages, and conversation about all sorts of things. There’s always a lot of laughter. It is bad for my waistline, but good for my heart and soul.

It reminds me just how lucky I am, and how much love is always around me.

This morning, I headed home with a very full and grateful heart knowing there are good things coming.

I sang all the way.

PS and there was some football, and the sun was out, and I was happy.

An imaginary conversation about letters of reference

Remember how I told you that I thought people should have to provide references in first dates?

No.

You never listen.

Yes I do, but I can’t be expected to keep up with every one of your insane ideas.

Some people like my ideas.

No they don’t.

Are you sure?

The men, anyway. They just pretend to like your ideas because they want to fuck you.

All of them? I don’t think so.

Some of them. The ones pretending to like your insane ideas.

You don’t have a very high opinion of how men think. Also, I don’t like that you are dissing my creative ideas.

Insane.

Quirky.

You know how a lot of men think.

Yes. And that is why I had this new idea!

I can’t wait to hear it.

I’ll pretend that was sincere and tell you: I think we should get sexual letters of reference from past lovers upon separation so new lovers know what to expect.

Dear gods.

What? Don’t you think it would be helpful?

No.

Star rankings like high school athletes?

You’ve lost your mind entirely.

You don’t think I should bring this up on dates?

Are you kidding me?

Yes.

Good.

Mostly.

It’s a terrible idea.

Well, it does have some challenges.

Some?

Sure. Like how would someone know the references were real and sincere?

Among other things.

Or, a past lover could torpedo your sexual future by giving a bad reference.

The logistics alone make this impossible.

Well, I think it has a lot of possibilities.

I doesn’t. No possibilities at all.

The reviews could be posted online.

No. Who would pay for hosting?

People who want to have sex.

So you’d have some sort of legal mandate on that?

Good point. That could be tricky.

There is no scenario in which this is anything but crazy.

You’re so unwhimsical.

Your idea isn’t whimsical, it’s batshit-ical.

Aren’t you ever curious though?

Of course. That’s part of the fun. Waiting to find out.

I suppose you’re right. If you knew ahead of time, all of that fun teasing and delayed gratification would be pointless.

Is it ever pointless?

Not if it’s done well.

An imaginary conversation about premature excitement

So I met someone I really had fun talking to the other day.

Where did you meet?

The usual top secret online location.

Oh.

Try not to sound so openly disgusted.

I thought you meant you’d really met someone.

Yeah, I should figure out a way to be more clear about that. How ’bout “I online met someone fun the other day?”

Better, but the whole online dating thing still baffles me.

You aren’t the only one. It baffles some of the people doing it, too.

You keep saying that.

This guy didn’t seem baffled. He was funny, could use actual words and threw a cold reference to “Get Happy” at me.

Elvis Costello?

Yep.

Uh-oh.

Right?

You realize that a mutual love of a certain performer is not an indicator of compatibility.

No?

No.

Huh. Well it doesn’t matter because I told him about my blog so it’s over.

What do you mean?

It’s sort of a jinx.

In what way?

Remember the guy who read the whole thing end to end? And the other guy who got so freaked out that he texted me in the middle of the night to tell me he didn’t want to see me again because I was too much?

Yeah, but you weren’t into either of them.

True, but wouldn’t reading my blog mean that he’ll have all of my secrets ahead of time?

So?

So it’s like giving someone an emotional gun pointed right at my head.

You don’t think that’s overstating things?

Don’t I always?

Not infrequently.

Well, anyway my thinking at the time was that if he read it and hated me in it then I’d rather know now.

Like what the hell?

Yeah. I am reinforcing my belief that trust should be my default position.

But some people suck.

So I’ve noticed. But some people don’t. Most people are at least decent human beings. A few are human beings who don’t think I’m some kind of weirdo.

But you *are* some kind of weirdo.

OK, then. A few are human beings who like me because I’m the kind of weirdo they like.

Or love.

Right. Ultimately, someone should love me because I’m their kind of weirdo.

You make it sound…

Weird?

I was trying not to say it.

It’s OK. I know I’m weird.

But why do you think it’s bad if someone meets you via your writing before they meet you in person?

I’m not quite sure I do think it’s bad. It could lead to being prejudged though.

Doesn’t everything?

I guess.

I’d be more worried about getting too excited before you meet in person.

I thought about that. I decided to be as excited as I am. No more and no less.

You don’t think you’ll be disappointed if it doesn’t work out?

Yes.

So why not rein it in?

Because I can’t selectively rein in my feelings. I either let them all happen or keep them all from happening.

What about balance?

Shut up.

Don’t hate me because I pointed out the importance of balance.

I don’t hate you. It’s just that I have a history with emotions.

Doesn’t everyone?

Yeah, but I turned mine off for a few decades. I don’t want that to happen again. It was hard switching them on again.

No, but I don’t want you to get all excited and then be hurt if it doesn’t work out.

Me either. But I’d rather be excited and get hurt than not be excited about anything ever just so I don’t ever get hurt.

That makes sense.

It does for me. Other people may have better luck trying that balance shit you mentioned.

You do you.

It’s all I can do!

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