Life is full of choices. Every minute, you have to decide on something.
What to eat. If you should go to the bathroom now or at the commercial. If you should wear the red shoes or the black ones.
Food is tricky though, especially if you are prone to making poor choices about it. I don’t think I have an eating disorder, exactly, but it is hard for me to set limits for myself. I tend to be either perfect or totally out of control. It would be easier to choose to abstain like an alcoholic does. Having issues with food impulse control is a bit like being an alcoholic who has to deliberately choose to eat several times a day and still not drink “too much.”
Whatever that is.
Being on a course of action that may lead to surgery (unless my job and insurance go away) I have been trying to make healthier choices about food. Eating real food instead of junk. Eating rational human portions. You’d think it would be easier, since I feel better when I eat this way.
Yesterday I didn’t eat any real food. I ate popcorn and ice cream for dinner.
And I felt like crap. Physically and emotionally.
I knew this would happen and did it anyway. Why is that?
Eating popcorn won’t make stress go away no matter how hard I crunch. Work is a disaster for almost everyone at the moment. My personal life is a shambles. I’ve got ghosts from my past coming back into my present and I am happy but shaken up about that. My coping skills are a bit stretched.
So I’ll breathe, hang out with a ghost after work if all goes well, and keep moving forward. I’ll try not to kick myself in the ass about having ice cream for dinner. It will all work out.
If I have to choose something, I’ll try to choose to remember the awesomeness of my friends and family.
And if that fails, I can always choose to clean something.
Side note from fat camp: at class the other night, the psychologist mentioned that crunchy foods are what people seek out when they are angry. While it is true that anger is a rider on my current emotional roller coaster ride at work, I like crunchy snacks when I am happy too. Or sad. I like things that are salty and crunchy in general.