An imaginary conversation about waking up cranky

What do you want now?

Uh, are you mad at me about something?

Who is this?

Someone who clearly caught you at a bad time.

Oh God. I’m sorry…I thought it was someone else!

Someone else calling from my phone?

I was asleep. I wasn’t tracking. Someone has called several times and woke me up…

So you thought you’d punish her by being mean to me? That’ll teach her a lesson.

Her? Who?

Whoever kept waking you up…

Oh. No. It wasn’t a woman.

Well, I won’t keep you. Sorry I woke you up. Good night.

Wait…

What?

Well, you called. Hi.

Hi.

What’s up?

Nothing. Just wanted to say good night. Nothing important. Sorry to bug you.

You aren’t bugging me.

I feel like I am. I’ll just talk to you tomorrow. It’s OK. Go back to sleep.

It’s OK, I’m awake. I’m sorry I snapped at you.

That’s alright.

No, I know you’re going to freak out and not call again.

I hate phones. This is why I never call anyone. It’s my phone nightmare.

I know, I’m sorry.

Have a good night, I am going to go shatter my phone so I am not tempted to use it again.

No you aren’t.

No, I am not. It’s too useful for texting and Internet. I am going to hang up though.

OK. Good night, You.

Good night, You.

You’re never going to call me again, are you?

Doubtful. I’ll text you tomorrow..

If it makes you feel any better, I am wide awake now.

It does, actually. Thanks for letting me know.

An imaginary conversation about whining

Hey, how are you feeling?

Better, not great. I think I am going to live!

When you’re sick, do you think you are a whiner?

Not really. I mean, everyone whines a little..but I don’t think I am excessive about it.

No?

Do you disagree?

Uh…

Really?

You talk a lot about dying for someone with a cold…

That isn’t whining. It’s being melodramatic.

Is there a difference?

Of course!

Care to explain it?

I don’t know if I want to. It wasn’t very nice of you to imply that I am a whiner. Why are you concerned about my disposition anyway? You don’t have to be anywhere near me in either sickness or health. You are in a uniquely privileged position to avoid any flare ups of illness related defects in my temper entirely.

Is that what you meant about being dramatic?

Melodramatic, and no. That was being sarcastic with a little tinge of snideness. A soupçon of churlishness.

Bringing out all the fancy words? Just for me?

Just for you. You inspire my vocabulary.

Good to know.

Any time.

So, are you?

What?

Whiny when you’re sick?

I hate you.

Clearly you’re hostile….

I have a cough that can be heard from Canada, and I feel like I have been run over by a fleet of semi trucks. Whiny is the least of my worries, and yes that was fucking dramatic.

Huh. You’re a lot easier to pick on when you’re sick. There isn’t really any challenge to it. It seems unsporting to go on.

You are a bad, bad person. You should be kind to the infirm.

You like me.

Not at the moment.

Always.

No. I always love you, but I dislike you quite often.

You dislike me? How often? Is it a regular thing?

I will send you a pie chart graph of my feelings when I am better.

A rough estimate.

55% of the time.

Ouch! Really?

That does seem high. I will have to start a daily log. If I am going to go through the trouble of creating a chart, I may as well go full insanity on it…

What are you going to use to quantify your dislike?

I don’t know. I haven’t ever graphed it before. What would you recommend?

A daily scale of 1-5?

Simple. Do you think it’s too basic?

No.

OK then. There’s a problem though.

Only one?

Shush.

What’s the problem?

I usually only dislike you intensely for very short periods. It might be hard to capture in a graph.

How short?

Minutes, sometimes.

Why is that?

Right now you are humoring me in my bizarre plan to graph how much I dislike you. That makes me like you. It’s endearing. You do shit like that almost every time I dislike you.

Irresistible, I am.

It really pisses me off.

Sorry.

Are not.

No, I am not.

I think I am going to drink a pint of codeine and go to bed.

Good night, Drama Queen.

Good night, Creep.

An imaginary conversation about what I love

It seems like I am always mentioning something I love. Apparently, I am not very discriminating. You?

Oh, people always tell me I am discriminating.

Uh…err….Maybe you need to have a chat about that with your HR department.

When I am not actively discriminating, I love paradox, irony and humor.

Sounds like a law firm…”Paradox, Irony and Humor..how may I direct your call?”

Humor.

Of a minor sort, yes.

You’re always so self deprecating…

Better then self defecating.

Potty humor.

How unlike me…

Is it?

I like to pretend to myself that I am more cerebral than that.

Are you successful?

At pretending to be cerebral? Mostly. It’s an easier goal than actually being cerebral.

You aren’t UNcerebral.

Another item to add to my resume.

You can mention it right after your gift for profanity.

Great idea!

Thanks. HR likes profanity almost as much as discriminating.

Some of us are HR disasters waiting to happen.

You, too?

It’s because I’m intimidating.

Intimidating?

To the stupid and/or incompetent.

Do you tell people they are stupid or incompetent?

Of course not, but if they ask me the same thing more than twice I might tend to say “what did I tell you when you asked me that yesterday” instead of answering again.

That is an unusual approach.

Telling people the same thing over and over is NOT one of the things I love.
Except nice things. I don’t mind repeating nice things.

Like what?

Thanking someone for doing something unexpected and awesome. Complimenting someone’s cute new haircut. Telling someone I love them.

All of those things are good things. What else do you love?

New shoes. Sunny days. Looking at any sort of body of water, even a puddle. Music. Black eyeliner. Sleeping. Certain people. Buttered popcorn.

I hope I am on the list.

Take me to a movie and buy me some popcorn and I will submit your name for consideration.

I have to bribe you?

Yes. No. Maybe a little.

I guess a movie is a cheap enough bribe, even with popcorn.

I’ll make it worth your while.

There isn’t a doubt in my mind about that.

Thanks, you’re sweet.

Ditto.

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