An imaginary conversation about what is wrong with me

As my emotional attorney, I feel that it is your duty to advise me on why I am having so much weird shit happen every time I am around men.

I didn’t know you were even dating anyone.

I’m not.

Then how can you be having a bad time with men?

Well, I mean, I do spend a lot of time around men for someone who isn’t dating.

We’re really going to have to revisit the whole thing about what dating is at some point.

Agreed. Not now, though. I don’t think I am emotionally equipped to figure it out right now.

OK, but soon. So what was so weird about this week in particular?

There was a bracket of unhappy endings to my encounters.

How so?

Well, I told you about the falling asleep thing.

Yeah.

That was the opening bracket. Had a great time with someone, it ended badly. I mean, it’s fine…anyone could fall asleep…but it was weird, and not exactly a big boost to my self esteem.

And then what?

So then, at the end of the week, there was another great day. It was a group thing, not a date. Everyone had a good day. Then we were hanging out at the end of the night, it was late, and he left me to go meet up with some other women.

What?

Also not good for my self esteem, even in a non-dating setting.

Definitely not. That would suck from either a friend or a date.

Thank you for the sanity check.

Any time.

Of course, he was a little worried about seeing it on my blog.

You will become the Taylor Swift of the blogosphere if you keep having such positive experiences.

My concern at this point is how it will be when I am actually dating if this is what it is like NOT dating.

It couldn’t be too much worse.

That’s what I am hoping, because if one more man tells me how wonderful I am and then falls asleep or ditches me for someone else, I cannot be held responsible for my actions.

I’m pretty sure any court of law would be on your side.

There was an upside, although I feel like a bad person admitting it.

What’s that?

The women he went to meet were nowhere to be found.

Sometimes, Karma really does take care of things nicely.

You just can’t count on it…but sometimes it does make a jilted girl smile. I will enjoy it while I can.

Carpe Karma?

No…well, yes. Seize whatever. At some point, though, the harsh light of reality will shine back at me and why I this sort of thing keeps happening.

It isn’t your fault! You’re great!

But maybe, as a wise friend once said, my pecker pickerer is broken. Maybe the thing that is wrong with me is making bad choices.

That’s an uncomfortable thought.

It is. I should probably have another pint or I might think about it.

Cheers. It’s not you.

Cheers. It could be.

An imaginary conversation about not talking enough

I know I am still more than a little socially moronic now, but you didn’t know me when I was really bad.

You didn’t talk to anyone all night!

I smiled at people, and followed their conversations. Tried to follow. I don’t pick out voices very well in a crowd. I have a hard time in big groups.

More than one of my friends asked me if you were mad.

Was I unpleasant to anyone?

No, but you weren’t very sociable.

Know why?

Why?

Because I am not very sociable. I don’t expect you to be tall when we go somewhere, do I?

I can’t help being the height I am.

And I mostly can’t help not being more social. I am not only introverted, but also shy. I did talk to people a little bit, but it is difficult for me.

It isn’t that hard to chat with people.

Not for you, you enjoy it. I don’t.

You just make it harder than it needs to be.

Like you do when I want to sit and read quietly and you want to be doing something constantly?

I can’t sit still. It makes me crazy. You know that.

I can’t make conversation with large groups of people. It makes me crazy. You know that.

It’s not the same at all!

I know, because I accept that there are differences in people. You think the things that are different about me are flaws that I need to correct. When you get fidgety sitting still, I let you know you don’t have to sit with me and it’s OK for you to go do something. When I have trouble interacting with people, you think I need to do better.

I do?

You do.

There’s nothing wrong with making things better, is there?

Better for which one of us?

Oh.

There are a lot of overtly anti-social things I don’t do anymore. I don’t knit in public, even though it actually makes it easier for me to talk to people because I have something to do other than focus on how awkward I am.

It freaks people out.

Right. It also makes it a lot less stressful for me to socialize when I have something to do with my hands, but wasn’t worth arguing about because people got hostile about it.

Including me.

Including you.

So you think I am being unsupportive?

No, but I don’t think you are very accepting of who I am. You’d rather have me be different.

I think you are great!

Except for my actual personality.

I want people to like you.

Even if I have to be someone different?

No. Is that what you think?

How many times have you mentioned have great it would be if I was more outgoing?

It would be.

To me that is just like saying how great it would be if I was a different person.

I don’t mean it that way…

No. I know, but it still sucks. You need to figure it out.

What do you mean?

If being a life of the party type is that important to you, then you need to know that I am never going to become that. I don’t even want to.

I want you to be yourself, but…

But you don’t, not really.

I didn’t realize it bothered you that much.

It doesn’t. It bothers you.

An imaginary conversation about sneaking away

It sounds like you had a good time.

We did. I did. I think we both did. As you know, I am never quite sure…

…About anything, I know. You are probably grateful I didn’t ask if you were on a date.

I am, actually, because I don’t know. I’m going to just have to start asking.

No, don’t. That would be weird.

People expect me to be weird.

And you never disappoint. Still. Don’t ask guys if you are on a date with them. They won’t like it. So then what happened?

I was starting to fall asleep, and I couldn’t stay, so I left.

By yourself?

Who would have gone with me?

You walked to your car alone? Downtown?

Yes. It was only a few blocks. It wasn’t a big deal.

He didn’t try to stop you from leaving?

Of course not. He was sleeping. I don’t think he even realized that I left.

You just snuck away without saying goodbye?

Yes. Maybe. Yes. I guess. I don’t know.

That was mean.

Why?

Not saying goodbye is rude.

Some might say that waking someone up to say goodbye is rude. Maybe we were both a little socially inadequate. He fell asleep. I left without saying goodbye. We were even. I did give him a kiss and say goodbye. It’s his problem if he was asleep at the time.

Why couldn’t you stay?

No one asked me to.

That’s dumb.

And I was wearing jeans.

Jeans? So?

I had to work in the morning, and I can’t wear jeans to work. I’d have had to get up at 5 to go home and change.

Don’t you get up at 5:30 normally anyway?

5:35.

I don’t get what the big deal was about staying there.

It wouldn’t have been a big deal. It would have been fine. It just..I don’t know. It didn’t feel right.

Don’t try to tell me you had moral qualms about it.

Of course not. I wasn’t kidding about no one asking. It felt weird to stay when I wasn’t invited.

You really think he would have objected to your staying?

Maybe.

Seriously?

I don’t think he would have said anything to me about it, no, but I felt like it would be awkward.

I think maybe you were overthinking it.

I didn’t really think about it at all, actually. I felt weird being there, so I left. If I had to guess, I would guess that he was relieved that I was gone when he woke up.

I’d be offended if you snuck out on me like that.

Awww, that’s sweet.

I bet waking up with you is fun.

No one has ever described it as fun, so you would probably lose your bet.

Are you grumpy when you wake up?

No, I don’t think so. A little quiet, maybe, until I am caffeinated. No one has ever called me grumpy.

Pretty? I bet you are pretty.

Definitely not pretty. Messy hair. No makeup. Fuzzy brain. Like most people, I guess.

It might be the only thing about you that is like most people…

Well, if we ever wake up together, bring me a cup of coffee in bed and tell me I look pretty and we’ll be friends for life.

Wow. You’re easy to please!

Not just any coffee. It needs to be good coffee.

How do you take it?

Black. No sugar.

Hard core.

You have no idea.

What a tease!

Again, you have no idea.

Hard core.

You already said that.

You can be very distracting.

And I’m not even trying right now…