My ideal Elvis set list 

The other day I was listening to an old interview of Elvis on the Howard Stern Show, and now everythin’ that ends in ing sounds like Elvis. You know how it is. You’re listnin’ along, smilin’ at all the great songs..and without even noticin’ that it’s happenin’ all the g’s have fallen off your gerunds. 

It’s enbarassin’ really. 

I’m goin’ to see Elvis with the person who first introduced me to the music of the One True Elvis, and when we were discussin’ where to have dinner before the show, KelBel asked me what songs I wanted to hear. And that is a really hard question. There is such a long list. 

So I was thinkin’ about the ideal set list. There are songs he has to play, so we know that Alison and some detectives will be there. He’s got to play some of his more recent stuff so he doesn’t get bored. 

Here’s what I think:
Start with Pump it Up. It will drive the crowd wild, and he won’t have to do a lick of work the rest of the night 
Angels Wanna Wear My Red Shoes for me. This is the one I would be most disappointed not to hear, even though it breaks my heart a little bit to hear it at all. 

Lipstick Vogue for what’s his name

Sulphur to Sugar Cane

Something from North, like Someone Took the Words Away or Let Me Tell You About Her

My Science Fiction Twin


I Want You

You’d need some Peace, Love and Understanding or Shipbuilding

Am I Blue

Beyond Belief

Stella Hurt

Mystery Dance


And then I just just sort of surrender. There are just too many songs. He can’t play them all.  I’ll be there with some of my favorite guys in the world, and it will be great no matter what. 

But, still. There better be red shoes. 

How to have a Cap’n Crunch Brunch

Get some cereal–the sugary kind.

Maybe a little booze.

Some pop tarts.

Bacon, sausage.

Invite some people you love over to eat it with you.

They’ll bring more cereal, pop tarts, pastries and  booze.

They will show up in their jammies, eat cereal, drink coffee, smoked Bloody Mary’s, mimosas and beer all day,  disappear into the garage to do who knows what, watch basketball, make a beer and snack run, get pizza, stay up playing cards with you, spend the night, have breakfast the next morning and even move furniture for you.

There will be exploding bottles of ginger beer complete with glass shrapnel but only very minor bleeding. There will be exploding bottles of 7-Up with no injuries except to the general cleanliness level.

The kitchen will be sticky all over in spite of several rounds of cleaning. The floor will be a disaster area. There will be children setting up obstacle courses in the yard and sleeping on the sofa.

There will be talking, hugging, laughing, more hugging, more talking and more laughing.

It will be loud.

You will be exhausted and happy.

You will not mind the extra mopping the next day, or cleaning ginger beer and 7-Up off every surface of the kitchen.

Then you will know that the secret to having Cap’n Crunch Brunch has very little to do with you and everything to do with the kind of people who are willing to spend the day with you doing nothing but hanging around in PJs eating really bad food.

Just brunch? No way.

It’s another chance to recognize how many really wonderful people you know, and how wonderful life is.



Sweet dreams are not made of this…

The other night I dreamt that I was at a party with my friend Andi at her late friend Kathy’s house.

Kathy was living in an enormous, gorgeous tree house. Although there was a loud party going on and the tree house was full of people, she kept telling us that we couldn’t tell anyone where she lived because Russian terrorists were after her.

The huge, brightly lit palace in the sky seemed like a very odd choice for someone trying to hide. You could probably see it from Mars.

Even more strangely, the treehouse was in a tree on the edge of a small forest set in a post apocalyptic urban setting full of burned out buildings.  Lots of burning tires, and grime. It was just across the street from the Russian terrorist’s lair, a seedy auto shop. You could tell it was their hangout because of all of the Russians loitering around in front of it talking smack in Russian.

Back at the party, Andi gave me two enormous inflatable dog beds and asked me to blow them both up. The longer I tried to blow them up, the larger they seemed to get. I kept getting dizzy, and would sit down thinking they were finally done, but then the edges would unfurl just..a little…more.

Andi was getting a little annoyed that it was taking so long. She kept telling me they would be serving dinner as soon as I finished blowing up the damn dog beds. All of the other guests were giving me a hard time.

Finally, I handed one of them to someone who was making fun of me. “You try it, smart ass.”  Of course, it took him about 5 minutes.

Andi shook her head at me, and said it was just one little favor. She just wanted the Adorkables to have a place to lay down during the party. Surely I could do just that one little thing.

But I couldn’t.
Andi better not bring inflatable dog beds to Cap’n Crunch Brunch. If she does, she can blow them up herself!