An imaginary conversation about not talking enough

I know I am still more than a little socially moronic now, but you didn’t know me when I was really bad.

You didn’t talk to anyone all night!

I smiled at people, and followed their conversations. Tried to follow. I don’t pick out voices very well in a crowd. I have a hard time in big groups.

More than one of my friends asked me if you were mad.

Was I unpleasant to anyone?

No, but you weren’t very sociable.

Know why?

Why?

Because I am not very sociable. I don’t expect you to be tall when we go somewhere, do I?

I can’t help being the height I am.

And I mostly can’t help not being more social. I am not only introverted, but also shy. I did talk to people a little bit, but it is difficult for me.

It isn’t that hard to chat with people.

Not for you, you enjoy it. I don’t.

You just make it harder than it needs to be.

Like you do when I want to sit and read quietly and you want to be doing something constantly?

I can’t sit still. It makes me crazy. You know that.

I can’t make conversation with large groups of people. It makes me crazy. You know that.

It’s not the same at all!

I know, because I accept that there are differences in people. You think the things that are different about me are flaws that I need to correct. When you get fidgety sitting still, I let you know you don’t have to sit with me and it’s OK for you to go do something. When I have trouble interacting with people, you think I need to do better.

I do?

You do.

There’s nothing wrong with making things better, is there?

Better for which one of us?

Oh.

There are a lot of overtly anti-social things I don’t do anymore. I don’t knit in public, even though it actually makes it easier for me to talk to people because I have something to do other than focus on how awkward I am.

It freaks people out.

Right. It also makes it a lot less stressful for me to socialize when I have something to do with my hands, but wasn’t worth arguing about because people got hostile about it.

Including me.

Including you.

So you think I am being unsupportive?

No, but I don’t think you are very accepting of who I am. You’d rather have me be different.

I think you are great!

Except for my actual personality.

I want people to like you.

Even if I have to be someone different?

No. Is that what you think?

How many times have you mentioned have great it would be if I was more outgoing?

It would be.

To me that is just like saying how great it would be if I was a different person.

I don’t mean it that way…

No. I know, but it still sucks. You need to figure it out.

What do you mean?

If being a life of the party type is that important to you, then you need to know that I am never going to become that. I don’t even want to.

I want you to be yourself, but…

But you don’t, not really.

I didn’t realize it bothered you that much.

It doesn’t. It bothers you.

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