Dreaming about Freudian slips

Eve had to ask, Eve had to ask
What is wrong with this?
Here is the place, now is the time
Let’s invent the kiss
–Joan Osborne/Lumina

In the dream, I was at Rick and Chelle’s. Everyone I knew was there. That is how I know it was really a dream–there were people there who would never be there in real life. People who don’t know Rick and Chelle. People I haven’t seen in a long time. People I wish I could see but can’t. Everyone I love.

There was a party going on, and we were all in the basement. That is also something that doesn’t happen very often in real life. The party is always upstairs.

It was New Years Eve. Everyone was drinking champagne. Paddy was playing his ukulele on the back deck, and I was singing along and taking puffs of his cigarette as he played a song by the Cure.

We kept singing and playing as we walked back inside. As I walked and sang, I started kissing everyone. Some people got hugs. Some people got more than one kiss. Some of them seemed a little surprised to be getting kissed. Most of them got kissed on the cheek. A few got kissed on the lips. Some of the perfectly scruffy ones even got a bit nuzzled around the neck area.

Paddy followed me around the room, strumming, while I sang
“show me how you do that trick….”
kiss…
“the one that makes me scream, she said…”
kiss…
“the one that makes me laugh, she said…”
kiss…
“and threw her arms around my neck…”
hug..
“show me how you do it…”
slightly more lingering kiss..
“I promise you, I promise that I’ll run away with you…”
another…
“I’ll run away with you..”

And I sang and kissed my way around the room until my glass was empty and I’d kissed all of the people I love. In the end, I was crying happy tears and the clock ticked down to midnight just as I sang
“You…
Just like Heaven.”

Usually I don’t feel a need to analyze my dreams, particularly if they are enjoyable. I like singing. I love kissing. I’ve missed both. I’ve been doing a lot of singing lately, but there has been no kissing in far too long.

Apparently I miss kissing enough that it’s invading my dreams.

It’s better than no kissing at all.

An imaginary conversation about having nothing to say

You know what is hard for me?

Asking for moral support?

No. Well, yes, but that isn’t what I was going to say.

What?

Figuring out what to write when I have no ideas at all.

You always think of something.

But sometimes it is just crap.

That is an exaggeration.

Not much of one. I can admit it. The dilemma is that I don’t know if it is better to just skip a day rather than write shit.

You can skip a day whenever you want. The blog police don’t care.

No, but I do. Plus I get twitchy and wake up in the middle of the night if I don’t post something.

You should probably get over that.

Probably. I could use the discipline for other things. Like exercising and eating properly.

Is that how it works?

Pretty much. I only have enough discipline for 3 things at a time. Right now, those things are going to work every day, making my bed every day, and writing every day.

You make your bed every day?

Ever since May.

I don’t think of you as the bed making type.

I am really not. This is the first time in my whole life I have ever kept my room clean for an extended period of time.

So why don’t you swap that discipline for exercise?

I kind of like having a clean room now. I think I am turning into a different person.

Different how?

More tidy. More willing to talk to people I don’t know. More open. More willing to take emotional risks.

Those are good things.

They are. I’m still figuring it all out.

It sounds like a lot of forward motion.

There has been some bad stuff, too. Funny though. It turns out that one of the person who generated a lot of the bad stuff was a catalyst for most of the good stuff.

Silver linings…

Hard to be mad at someone who generates positive changes, even if they were shitty to you in the end.

Not for most people.

No? Well, I have never been very good at being mad. Plus, even though i found a lot of his behavior unacceptable, it doesn’t mean I am not grateful for all of the good things he did.

You’re a better man than I am.

Are either of us men?

Oh. Right. Good point.

Well, at least you have something to write about now.

I do?

I have a feeling you do.

What’s that?

Finding the positive side of a bad situation.

Ugh. It’s been done to death.

Everyone can use a reminder that nothing is ever all bad.

Maybe so.

The wisdom of friends

You’ve only fucked up if you give up.
–Jane

 

A farmer is sitting on his porch in a chair, hanging out. A friend walks up to the porch to say hello, and hears an awful yelping, squealing sound coming from inside the house. “What’s that terrifyin’ sound?” asks the friend. “It’s my dog,” said the farmer. “He’s sittin’ on a nail.” “Why doesn’t he just sit up and get off it?” asks the friend. The farmer deliberates on this and replies: “Doesn’t hurt enough yet.”
–Amanda Palmer/The Art of Asking

 

I was out having adult beverages with some of my family of friends, and we were talking about life and love, the way you do, and the various financial and emotional difficulties you encounter, and Jane very wisely pointed out that no problems are insurmountable until you stop working on them.

So I did what any scribbler does in that situation. I got out my iPad and told her I was going to be quoting her. Never be afraid to take notes during conversations with your friends. They know you’re an insane person anyway.

Ahem.

The solution might not be something you want to do. It might turn out that you should just  cut your losses in some way, or you might need to give someone or something up that you would rather hold on to, but there is ALWAYS some sort of solution to every problem. If you give up, you never will find it.

My friends are all both exceptionally intelligent and beautiful. I’m not just talking about that profound inner beauty of the soul, either. Physical beauty. Did I say that the wrong way around? No, I don’t think I did. My friends are knockouts. Smart, funny, kind, gorgeous. Is it any wonder I love them?

Oh, and the men are all perfectly scruffy, handsome and give great hugs in addition to being smart, funny and kind. I don’t want them to feel left out.

What many of them are so good at is giving excellent advice from both from a practical and emotional standpoint. Advice which I know it doesn’t seem like I have been listening to. It isn’t that I wasn’t listening, it’s just that I wasn’t ready to act on it until now. I knew what needed to happen, I just couldn’t bring myself to admit it.

Like Amanda Fucking Palmer said, it didn’t hurt enough. Until it did, suddenly, Thanksgiving weekend, and I couldn’t convince myself that I could live with things the way they were anymore.

Here is a summary of just a few of the wise things I have learned from my friends in the last few years. I can count books as my friends, right? Right.

If someone is treating you like shit, it doesn’t really matter why. Don’t expect the universe to solve your problems. Don’t give up, but know when to let go. Work on things you can work on and try to keep in mind that you can’t change other people–only yourself. Don’t ever give up on yourself. Forgive easily. Respect yourself. Treat yourself as least as well as you treat your friends. Get a massage once in a while. Stand up for yourself. Try to mostly be kind. Remember to breathe. Sing or hum often. Look at the sky. Look at the ground. Even the most painful, awful, horrible experiences almost always get better. Relax. Smile. Laugh. Drink good beer. Trust in the goodness of the people around you, MOSTLY. Know that life is a wonderful, wonder-ful experience. Be grateful.

Enjoy as much of everything as you can.

That is what I have got.

It’s kind of a lot, isn’t it?

Lucky me.
Blessed me.

It’s been a win-some/lose-some Fall. Sometimes it has felt more heavily skewed to the loss side, but with the people I have in my life it is really impossible for me to not feel like everything will be fine.

Everything IS fine.

I know I have been a little trying lately, but I do feel the love.