Michelle's House of Horrors

But there is another kind of seeing that involves a letting go. When I see this way I sway transfixed and emptied. The difference between the two ways of seeing is the difference between walking with and without a camera. When I walk with a camera I walk from shot to shot, reading the light on a calibrated meter. When I walk without a camera, my own shutter opens, and the moment’s light prints on my own silver gut. 
–Annie Dillard

There’s a difference between wanting to be looked at and wanting to be seen. 

When you are looked at, your eyes can stay blissfully closed. You suck energy, you steal the spotlight. When you are seen, your eyes must be open, as you are seeing and recognizing your witness. You accept energy and you generate energy. You create light. 

One is exhibitionism, the other is connection. 

Not everybody wants to be looked at. Everybody wants to be seen.
–Amanda Palmer/the Art of Being Asked

In the wonderful world of online dating, a woman gets a lot of compliments on her looks. I suspect this is the case even for women who are not physically attractive. The default male message seems to be “hey you’re cute, wanna chat?”

And it bothers me. So much so that in my profile where it says “message me if…” I asked for men to message me if they had something to say that wasn’t only about my appearance. This lead to a conversation with someone I really like apologizing for saying he thought I was beautiful. It’s not that I don’t like it when people like the way I look…I just don’t like for that to be the main thing. 

Well. 

It set me off. I mean, why does it bug me so much? I wear cosmetics to enhance the way I look. I’m more than a little vain about my eyes. I’m not shy about rocking a low cut shirt. 

But. 

What I really want is for someone to love the way I think. To find my mind beautiful. To love the look on my face when I am figuring something out. To find ways to make me laugh because he loves my giggle. To smile at me when I sing in the car. What I want is for someone to see me. Who I am on the inside. If he likes the way I look on the outside too? Perfect. 

Being seen is a whole other thing. 

Being seen brings something that adds to both of you. You see each other. Having someone see you, and know you and love you for who you are is a huge gift. 

Mara was not a morning person. She’d also had a very eventful night, what with Samael wrestling Evil right there in the bedroom and all. So it was really not a surprise when she stumbled on the enormous dog that was sleeping on the floor next to her bed. She hadn’t had any coffee yet, so she couldn’t really be blamed for it.  She sort of remembered that there was a new hell hound in the house. What was a surprise was when she stumbled on another one  in the middle of the bedroom door. 

“Samael?”

“Yes, my treasure?”

“There seem to be quite a few hell hounds in the bedroom this morning. Did I miss a memo about increasing hell hound populations in our area?”

“There are only two of them, my treasure. The mate of the female arrived while you were sleeping. I did not wish to wake you.  They cannot be separated. They are a bonded pair. They are both yours now.”

Two of them. Mara sighed and hoped that angels had access to a source of inexpensive hell hound chow, because feeding two of these giants was going to be a completely unexpected drain on her budget. She wondered what they ate, and how much. While she made coffee, she also hoped vaguely their usual diet didn’t include small children, livestock or expensive automobiles. 

She walked back over to the one by the bed once she had enough coffee on board to think more or less coherently. The male. She scratched his neck behind the ears like you would with any dog. He liked it. He nuzzled his head into her belly and wagged his tail politely. He had a cute stubby tail, like a Rottweiler. 

“What are their names?” she asked. 

“They do not have names which are known,” Samael replied, “and if they were to become known, one would never speak them aloud.”

“Of course one wouldn’t. One wouldn’t wish to invoke evil accidentally while calling one’s dogs. I have to call them something, Samael. Something not evil, ideally.”

“If this is your custom.”

“It is. Maybe something to do with Faith or Love, since that is what defeated them” she said, smooshing the hell hound’s jowls between her hands so he looked like the world’s largest Shar-Pei. “Would you like to be called Lovey, puppy? Are you my widdle lovey doggie?” she asked. Samael looked disapproving. The female walked over,  growled quietly and pulled her away from Lovey by the back of her t-shirt until Mara was sitting on the floor. 

“Cleary, I am going to name this one Jealous Bitch,” Mara said, “don’t worry JB…Lovey is all yours! I don’t like dogs that way.”

The female bumped heads with her approvingly, at least Mara assumed it was approvingly. JB didn’t eat her, anyway. That was a positive sign. Lovey wagged his tail and smiled, presumably to indicate that he liked being called Lovey.

“I do not think that you have chosen their names well,” Samael said. “Hell hounds are creatures of great dignity. Perhaps you should consider names which are more sonorous. Names with tradition. Perhaps something in Latin.”

“JB and Lovey? If you like your names, please come and stand on either side of me and smile for Samael, ” Mara said. They did so. “See? They like their new names. I am going to be an excellent hell hound mistress, if only I can afford to feed them!” 

Samael smiled. “About their diet, my treasure….when the females are pregnant, their needs are somewhat unusual.”

Mara looked at JB,  then at Lovey. 

“Oh, fuck. How unusual? Wait wait wait–did you say pregnant???”