Are you a cat person or dog person?<\/p>\n
Cat. Definitely. I love cats. You?<\/p>\n
Mostly a dog person.<\/p>\n
I thought you told me you have a cat?<\/p>\n
I do have a cat. He’s sitting on my feet purring right now. <\/p>\n
But you don’t like him?<\/p>\n
Sure. I just like dogs a little better. They’re so enthusiastic. Cats can be dicks.<\/p>\n
They just have very definite opinions. You remind me of a cat in that regard.<\/p>\n
Yeah. Sometimes I am a dick, too.<\/p>\n
That isn’t really what I meant.<\/p>\n
Don’t worry. I know. You are far too polite to ever say something like that.<\/p>\n
You’d be surprised.<\/p>\n
I wonder what else I would be surprised about?<\/p>\n
Uh. Surprise? I don’t want to ruin the suspense.<\/p>\n
OK, fine…act like a cat. See if I care. Do you have a cat right now?<\/p>\n
No, and I miss having them around. <\/p>\n
You can have mine.<\/p>\n
You’d miss him.<\/p>\n
Maybe a little. He’s a good foot warmer, and I don’t have anyone else to purr at me.<\/p>\n
I’d purr at you, given half a chance.<\/p>\n
Would you also keep my feet warm?<\/p>\n
I would do my very best!<\/p>\n
You are good people.<\/p>\n
Thanks. So what is his name?<\/p>\n
The cat? When we got him his name was Fenway. <\/p>\n
Fenway?<\/p>\n
Yeah, like the baseball place. <\/p>\n
Oh, right. Fenway Park. Are you into baseball?<\/p>\n
No, not at all. <\/p>\n
So why Fenway?<\/p>\n
That is what they called him at the shelter. It’s what is on his microchip.<\/p>\n
You could have changed his name, you know.<\/p>\n
Yeah. Cats don’t care anyway.<\/p>\n
You don’t think they care?<\/p>\n
No, I think they just listen to tone of voice and the sound of can openers and food packages being opened.<\/p>\n
Very cynical.<\/p>\n
No, just truthy. Anyway, we never called him Fenway.<\/p>\n
So what is his name now?<\/p>\n
We call him a lot of things.<\/p>\n
He doesn’t have a name?<\/p>\n
Not one specific one.<\/p>\n
That’s sad!<\/p>\n
No, it really isn’t. He has a whole bunch of names.<\/p>\n
Like what?<\/p>\n
Mr. Squeeeks, with an extra e because he is extra squeaky.<\/p>\n
That’s cute. He squeaks?<\/p>\n
Like a 20 pound mouse.<\/p>\n
What else do you call him?<\/p>\n
Fat cat.<\/p>\n
Does he really weigh 20 pounds? That probably isn’t healthy.<\/p>\n
I have no idea how much he weighs, but he’s pretty hefty.<\/p>\n
We can talk about your cat’s diet later. What other names does he have?<\/p>\n
Squeaker, Peeper, Peepster, Ratty, Rat, Kitty Kato, Cat, Stupid Cat, Fucker if he scratches me, and Motherfucker if he draws blood.<\/p>\n
I see. That’s a lot of names.<\/p>\n
Is it? Don’t most people call their pets by different names?<\/p>\n
Not that many!<\/p>\n
I guess.<\/p>\n
I didn’t think “what’s your cat’s name” was going to involve a 20 minute question and answer period.<\/p>\n
Some things are complicated.<\/p>\n
Some people make things that way.<\/p>\n
Well. Uh. <\/p>\n
Don’t look at me like that, I didn’t mean it in a bad way!<\/p>\n
I know. It just…never mind. Do you have any other important questions for me?<\/p>\n
How many times have you been married?<\/p>\n
Let’s talk about that when we discuss Squeaky Cat’s diet plan.<\/p>\n
Really? Complicated again? Usually people just say a number.<\/p>\n
Well.<\/p>\n
Is it more than you can count on your fingers?<\/p>\n
No! God, I’m not Liz Taylor!<\/p>\n
So what’s so complicated about it?<\/p>\n
It’s not a big deal, it’s just. It sounds awful.<\/p>\n
Whisper it in my ear.<\/p>\n
OK.<\/p>\n
That isn’t so terrible. Only one more than me.<\/p>\n
Oh, good.<\/p>\n
Why did you think it was too complicated to just tell me?<\/p>\n
There’s a story, but it’s a little late for it now.<\/p>\n
You’re so funny. Always worried you’ll chase people away…<\/p>\n
Hilarious.<\/p>\n
It’s fine to just tell me anything you know.<\/p>\n
I know.<\/p>\n
But?<\/p>\n
But I’m weird. Some people don’t like that.<\/p>\n
In a good way. I do like it.<\/p>\n
I’ll definitely give you a gold star for that!<\/p>\n
I’m counting on it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"