{"id":10160,"date":"2015-06-08T09:05:58","date_gmt":"2015-06-08T16:05:58","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/michellejolin.com\/wordpress\/?p=10160"},"modified":"2015-06-08T09:02:26","modified_gmt":"2015-06-08T16:02:26","slug":"blaming-myself-for-what-other-people-feel","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=10160","title":{"rendered":"Blaming myself for what other people feel"},"content":{"rendered":"

“you are only responsible for your own feelings”<\/p>\n

“You choose to react the way you do. I am not responsible for how you choose to feel”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

We already know that I have limited patience with people who tell me that I choose to react the way I do<\/a> to their misdeeds. I can summarize it by saying that while I agree that in theory my reactions are in my control, that does not mean that it is fine for you to treat me like shit.  My reactions are all mine. Your douchebaggery is all yours. <\/p>\n

So how to I handle the opposite situation? When my own actions result in sadness\/anger\/other negative emotions in other people? <\/p>\n

Do I tell them they are responsible for their own emotions? No. I feel guilty that they feel bad.  Even if I didn’t do anything wrong.  Even if they are being unreasonable. I can have the most tenuous role in their feelings. If by any remote stretch I could possibly have played even the smallest role in their distress, I feel awful myself. Responsible. <\/p>\n

It’s a lose-lose situation, but at least I’m consistent. <\/p>\n

There is good news, though. It isn’t as bad as it used to be, in the same way that I don’t take my own hurt feelings as personally anymore. Yes, I still tend to over-personalize, but I can usually bring myself back to a more rational stance without too much trouble. <\/p>\n

Apparently, I really am capable of personal growth and learning. <\/p>\n

Huh. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

“you are only responsible for your own feelings” “You choose to react the way you do. I am not responsible for how you choose to feel” We already know that I have limited patience with people who tell me that I choose to react the way I do to their misdeeds. I can summarize it … Continue reading Blaming myself for what other people feel<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[20],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-10160","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-random-thoughts"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7lr3R-2DS","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":3533,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=3533","url_meta":{"origin":10160,"position":0},"title":"Taking things too personally","author":"Michelle","date":"January 19, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"There's a theory about taking someone's words or actions personally that goes something like this: You shouldn't take anything personally. You aren't responsible for what people say or do, you can only control your reaction to it. It's always kind of bugged me, because while it's mostly kind of pretty\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":783,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=783","url_meta":{"origin":10160,"position":1},"title":"Don’t just stand there, do something!","author":"Michelle","date":"August 10, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"\"What do you think I'm going to do?\" She asked him. \"Whatever it is,\" he answered, \"I think you'll be terrified when it happens. Don't let that stop you.\" --Kevin Wilson\/The Family Fang: A Novel \u00a0 If you want to change your direction If your time of life is at\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":8280,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=8280","url_meta":{"origin":10160,"position":2},"title":"I’m not angry","author":"Michelle","date":"November 20, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"What I need is A good defense 'Cause I'm feelin' Like a criminal And I need To be redeemed To the one I've sinned against Because he's all I ever knew of love --Fiona Apple\/Criminal Lately it seems like I tend to spend time being angry with myself for not\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":11062,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=11062","url_meta":{"origin":10160,"position":3},"title":"What do I want, anyway?","author":"Michelle","date":"February 13, 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"Be careful what you wish for, lest it come true. --Anon The devil is in the details. --Everyone I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want So tell me what you want, what you really, really want --the Spice Girls In this time of personal and professional\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Random thoughts"","block_context":{"text":"Random thoughts","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=20"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":4908,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=4908","url_meta":{"origin":10160,"position":4},"title":"How do you ruin karma?","author":"Michelle","date":"April 10, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"There is a hotel up the street from work that plants palm trees outside the building each Spring. Each Winter, they wrap the trees in insulation so they don't die. Each Spring, they unwrap the dead trees and replace them with new ones. Portland, Oregon is not exactly a tropical\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/michellejolin.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/20140409-165113.jpg?fit=225%2C300&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":8445,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=8445","url_meta":{"origin":10160,"position":5},"title":"On getting out of the happiness mafia","author":"Michelle","date":"December 3, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"I can't tell one from the other I find you, or you find me? There was a time before we were born If someone asks, this is where I'll be, --Talking Heads\/This Must Be The Place (Naive Melody) The Modern American World really wants us all to be happy. 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