{"id":10973,"date":"2017-11-12T17:09:22","date_gmt":"2017-11-13T01:09:22","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=10973"},"modified":"2017-11-12T17:09:46","modified_gmt":"2017-11-13T01:09:46","slug":"blog-maintenance","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=10973","title":{"rendered":"Blog maintenance"},"content":{"rendered":"
there's a bluebird in my heart that<\/pre>\n
<\/pre>\n
wants to get out<\/pre>\n
<\/pre>\n
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale<\/pre>\n
<\/pre>\n
cigarette smoke<\/pre>\n
<\/pre>\n
and the whores and the bartenders<\/pre>\n
<\/pre>\n
and the grocery clerks<\/pre>\n
<\/pre>\n
never know that<\/pre>\n
<\/pre>\n
he's<\/pre>\n
<\/pre>\n
in there.<\/pre>\n
<\/pre>\n
--Charles Bukowski<\/pre>\n
A lot of times, I start posts which don’t ever get finished.<\/p>\n
There are a lot of reasons for that–maybe I thought of a quote I wanted to use someday and started a post as a placeholder, or someone said or did something I thought I should write about. Could be anything. An idea. A song. A story. Something that made me happy or sad. A picture. A dream.<\/p>\n
Occasionally I go through the unpublished posts to see if the ideas are still work thinking about, or if they should be deleted.<\/p>\n
I scroll through what’s there. Some of it is no longer timely. Some of it I’ve used in other posts. Delete. Delete.\u00a0 When I got to the very end I found one I’d written several years ago for someone’s 50th birthday.<\/p>\n
It is one of the truest things I’ve ever written and it was never posted.<\/p>\n
It wasn’t meant for that.<\/p>\n
It was a birthday gift to someone who often seems lost to me. Someone who is totally different and exactly the same as he was decades ago. Someone who has hurt me and who I have hurt back. A lot of shots have been fired on both sides, but somehow we manage not to disappear on each other completely. Is that good? I’m not always sure.<\/p>\n
It made me remember. Who I was. Who he was.<\/p>\n
Neither of us are the same people we were then. We’re both harder. Damaged in the ways people get after they’ve been hurt by life and love. Less tender and more prickly.\u00a0 But we always will be those open hearted people deep inside, trying to keep our internal bluebirds alive but not giving them as much room to sing as we did back when our hearts were pure and unhurt.<\/p>\n
I wanted him to know that in spite of everything, I would always remember him as the amazing boy I knew all those years ago. I hoped he would remember that about himself too. I wanted him to know that any of the bad things that had happened could never cancel out\u00a0 the good. That forgiveness far outweighs hurt.<\/p>\n
There was a bluebird in his heart. It is still there and I hope he stops trying to kill it. Not for me, for himself. For his lover. For his family. So he and the bluebird can both be happy. So he can be who he really is. Maybe he already is. I don’t know. Does anyone really know someone else? We’re all so invested in projecting an image, I’m not sure it’s always easy to know someone.<\/p>\n
And maybe I’d also like to remind myself of my own internal bluebird, as a birthday present to myself. My bluebird wants to sing too. And I should just let everyone hear him. Especially the whores, bartenders, grocery clerks and other assorted people I love.<\/p>\n
there's a bluebird in my heart that<\/pre>\n
<\/pre>\n
wants to get out<\/pre>\n
<\/pre>\n
but I'm too clever, I only let him out<\/pre>\n
<\/pre>\n
at night sometimes<\/pre>\n
<\/pre>\n
when everybody's asleep.<\/pre>\n
<\/pre>\n
I say, I know that you're there,<\/pre>\n
<\/pre>\n
so don't be<\/pre>\n
<\/pre>\n
sad.<\/pre>\n
<\/pre>\n
then I put him back,<\/pre>\n
<\/pre>\n
but he's singing a little<\/pre>\n
<\/pre>\n
in there, I haven't quite let him<\/pre>\n
<\/pre>\n
die<\/pre>\n
<\/pre>\n
and we sleep together like<\/pre>\n
<\/pre>\n
that<\/pre>\n
<\/pre>\n
with our<\/pre>\n
<\/pre>\n
secret pact<\/pre>\n
<\/pre>\n
and it's nice enough to<\/pre>\n
<\/pre>\n
make a man<\/pre>\n
<\/pre>\n
weep, but I don't<\/pre>\n
<\/pre>\n
weep, do<\/pre>\n
<\/pre>\n
you?<\/pre>\n
<\/pre>\n
-CB<\/pre>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
there’s a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I pour whiskey on him and inhale cigarette smoke and the whores and the bartenders and the grocery clerks never know that he’s in there. –Charles Bukowski A lot of times, I start posts which don’t ever get finished. There are a lot … Continue reading Blog maintenance<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[20],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-10973","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-random-thoughts"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7lr3R-2QZ","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":11203,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=11203","url_meta":{"origin":10973,"position":0},"title":"Circles","author":"Michelle","date":"February 24, 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"Love is a trap. When it appears, we see only its light, not its shadows. --Paulo Coelho The last time I was single, I went out with this guy a couple of times. Drinks. Super casual.\u00a0 He was a nice enough guy, but at least for me it was a\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Random thoughts"","block_context":{"text":"Random thoughts","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=20"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":11371,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=11371","url_meta":{"origin":10973,"position":1},"title":"Blog as journal","author":"Michelle","date":"March 30, 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"This is a calling card Maybe it will be a farewell note The poison fountain pen now requires the antidote And if I avert your gaze And I should become a shrinking flower Just punch me on the arm This could be our finest hour --Elvis Costello It will come\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Random thoughts"","block_context":{"text":"Random thoughts","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=20"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":2669,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=2669","url_meta":{"origin":10973,"position":2},"title":"What’s behind me is not important","author":"Michelle","date":"November 24, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"But I must confess I've got no regrets I never gave it up or away And everytime I was done I knew I'd look back and laugh One day --Storm Large\/Twisted Jimmy Yeah, right --Everclear\/Now That It's Over There have already been a few posts regarding how I feel about\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":9216,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=9216","url_meta":{"origin":10973,"position":3},"title":"Penis. Vagina. Go Ducks!","author":"Michelle","date":"February 4, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"Lately I have noticed that any of my posts that are even remotely sexual get a lot more hits than other posts. The exception? Posts about football. Football gets more views than anything. This will surprise no one. The sex part, I mean. Everyone knows how popular sex is. The\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":9855,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=9855","url_meta":{"origin":10973,"position":4},"title":"Upcoming wordaversary","author":"Michelle","date":"April 26, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"In just a few days, the blog will hit 300,000 words. Well over 715 posts in about 21 months.\u00a0 Most of the posts are mediocre at best. Going back to the first several months, back in the Summer of 2013, I can see how rough it was. I didn't know\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":3129,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=3129","url_meta":{"origin":10973,"position":5},"title":"People vs the Internet","author":"Michelle","date":"January 3, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Any major dude with half a heart surely will tell you my friend Any minor world that breaks apart falls together again When the demon is at your door In the morning it won't be there no more --Steely Dan\/Any Major Dude And now you find the wishes you were\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10973","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=10973"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10973\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=10973"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=10973"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=10973"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}