{"id":11400,"date":"2018-04-02T07:24:55","date_gmt":"2018-04-02T14:24:55","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=11400"},"modified":"2018-04-02T07:24:59","modified_gmt":"2018-04-02T14:24:59","slug":"to-tell-the-truth","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=11400","title":{"rendered":"To tell the truth"},"content":{"rendered":"

To tell you the truth, I don’t know you well enough to tell you the truth
\n–Shall We Dance<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Telling the truth can be somewhat subjective, but trust is more or less absolute.<\/p>\n

Or maybe it’s more like this:\u00a0 \u00a0truth is a graph with a much wider axis than trust.\u00a0 Truth might go from 1-100, but trust is more of a 1-5 scale.<\/p>\n

Let’s say you just met someone. If you’re like me and you try to trust people by default, you have a set point for a certain level of trust. You’re chatting and the conversations veers to matters that are very personal. Sexual preferences. Your last name and address.\u00a0 You have no reason NOT to trust this person, but you aren’t going to give him your address just yet because you aren’t that kind of crazy. You probably trust him at a healthy 3.\u00a0 Not enough to tell him how you feel about blow jobs, or where you live, but enough to tell him other things about yourself in a getting acquainted sort of way.\u00a0 \u00a0Or if you’re me, you might tell him about blow jobs because it’s good advertising.\u00a0 To me, giving someone my last name and address are more of a level 4 revelation but I’ll talk sex with just about anyone if they don’t seem like too much of a delicate flower. To me, sex requires more of a level 2 or 3 trust scenario so it’s something I can talk about early on in the process of building trust.<\/p>\n

Think about it–would you rather find our your new love is into diapers on date 3 or after you move in together? Right. Not at all.<\/p>\n

You might feel very differently about it, but that’s the point: our trust points are all very different.\u00a0 And none of us are wrong. Well, most of us. Some people don’t trust anyone with any information at all or trust people who’ve clearly demonstrated that they’re bad news. That’s pathological.<\/p>\n

In the online dating world, there is a little of everything.<\/p>\n

There’s a profile I saw the other day which contained a tasteful photo of a man in leather administering punishment to someone. If that wasn’t enough of a flag, his profile declared that he was a sexual dominant and that if that wasn’t something a woman is interested in she should not message him. And that is at least partly a matter of establishing trust.<\/p>\n

His need to share that information up front\u00a0has at least a couple of reasons– one is because that’s his thing, and he wants to hear from someone with the same interests but also because it’s a violation of trust not to let folks know what they are getting into with him.<\/p>\n

If there is one thing I really admire about the BDSM community, it’s their insistence on sex being fully consensual in every particular. It gets talked about far more than it does with other groups, and I think that’s a very good thing. Someone I met once told me that he considered himself a leather clad Boy Scout.<\/p>\n

Don’t worry, Ma–I am not considering a career as a dominatrix. Not that there is anything wrong with that.<\/p>\n

The other side of trust is truth. It seems so clear, right? I’ve talked about it before, though, and people definitely have different ideas of what truth is. Maybe I can describe what I think it is more easily by saying what it is not:\u00a0 it is not a technically correct answer to a specific question.<\/p>\n

If I think my hypothetical lover is cheating on me, and I ask “are you sleeping with her?” anyone would know that I don’t really mean “sleeping.” So if my lover has never actually fallen asleep with her and answers “no” because they have never fallen asleep together after fucking, then he is not telling me the truth. Even though he is not TECHNICALLY incorrect.\u00a0 We both know what I mean. Lawyers do this all the time. Their truth scale is a very particular one based on literal accuracy rather than moral or ethical transparency or a desire for clarity.<\/p>\n

To me, truth is about emotional and ethical honesty and a desire for clarity as much as factual accuracy. You need both. Not telling a lie is not the same thing as telling the truth.<\/p>\n

Let’s say I think my hypothetical lover is cheating because I keep seeing female names on his phone messages,\u00a0 and I ask “are you cheating on me?”\u00a0 \u00a0There’s more leeway there, right?\u00a0 \u00a0What is cheating? Sending flirtatious messages?\u00a0 Having female friends who I don’t know about? Maybe he’s sexting with a different woman every day. Maybe he’s sending or receiving lewd pictures. Maybe he just has a lot of female clients and the communications are totally business related. Maybe he’s looking for someone to fuck but hasn’t done it just yet.\u00a0Maybe he has no intention of progressing to actual physical contact, but just likes the spark of the illicit messages.\u00a0 If he’s doing some of those things, I would consider the\u00a0 truthful answer to be something along the lines of yes, he’s cheating or at least something to indicate that he realizes there’s something not quite right going on with what he’s doing.\u00a0 \u00a0There’s a scale to the truth here.\u00a0 If people have different ideas of what sort of communication it’s OK to have with people outside the relationships, it can be a problem and clear communication about it is crucial. They can’t have that clear communication unless they are on the same page in what it means to be truthful with each other.<\/p>\n

My preference would be for a partner who balances out tact and truth. Not to use truth as a weapon but as a tool to make things better for both of us.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

To tell you the truth, I don’t know you well enough to tell you the truth –Shall We Dance Telling the truth can be somewhat subjective, but trust is more or less absolute. Or maybe it’s more like this:\u00a0 \u00a0truth is a graph with a much wider axis than trust.\u00a0 Truth might go from 1-100, … Continue reading To tell the truth<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[20],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-11400","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-random-thoughts"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7lr3R-2XS","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":9428,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=9428","url_meta":{"origin":11400,"position":0},"title":"Trust in the online dating world","author":"Michelle","date":"March 3, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"Trust is something I write about a lot, I know. It's just that I've been teaching myself how to do it again, and although I've been pretty successful for the most part there are still some challenges.Like when to stop. How many chances does someone get? I try not to\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":8391,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=8391","url_meta":{"origin":11400,"position":1},"title":"Unconditional love and trust","author":"Michelle","date":"December 1, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"We might be through with the past, but the past ain't through with us. --Magnolia It's not going to stop until you wise up. --Aimee Mann\/Wise Up Conditional love is: I will only love you if you love me. Unconditional love is: I will love you even if you do\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":7447,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=7447","url_meta":{"origin":11400,"position":2},"title":"Consolation prize","author":"Michelle","date":"September 12, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"In your world, I have no meaning Though I'm trying hard to understand And it's my heart that's breaking Down this long distance line But I ain't missing you at all. --John Waite\/Missing You At this point in my life I'd like to live as if only love mattered As\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":8638,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=8638","url_meta":{"origin":11400,"position":3},"title":"Bad experiences as a catalyst for good","author":"Michelle","date":"December 16, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"and I... I love it when you read to me. And you... You can read me anything. --The Magnetic Fields\/The Book of Love \u201cNot only are there no happy endings,\" she told him, \"there aren't even any endings.\u201d --Neil Gaiman\/American Gods In an imaginary conversation the other day, I mentioned\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":360,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=360","url_meta":{"origin":11400,"position":4},"title":"Truth is like water","author":"Michelle","date":"July 18, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"The boat yeah you know she's rockin' it And the truth well you know there's no stoppin'it --Jack White\/Denial Twist \u00a0 \u00a0 Well? Hmmm. \u00a0 Oh! \u00a0 According to the song, you can't stop the truth. Is\u00a0 that true? I tend to think so, mostly. \u00a0 \u00a0 Some people are\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":10261,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=10261","url_meta":{"origin":11400,"position":5},"title":"Gratitude with a T","author":"Michelle","date":"July 18, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"Today Tomorrow Truth Thoughts Teeth Tongues Tapas Thunderstorms Treats Tricks Twosomes Threesomes Transgression Thymus Toast Talent Talking Tables Tangents Teddy bears Toggle buttons Tempests Tea pots Tea T-shirts Tarts Tartness Tampons Torridness Trash cans Thyme Time Torpor Trouble Troopers Thrift Throws Turkey Trust Thankfulness","rel":"","context":"In "Random thoughts"","block_context":{"text":"Random thoughts","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=20"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11400","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=11400"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11400\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=11400"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=11400"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=11400"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}