{"id":1927,"date":"2013-10-14T06:12:00","date_gmt":"2013-10-14T13:12:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/michellejolin.com\/wordpress\/?p=1927"},"modified":"2013-10-13T20:57:06","modified_gmt":"2013-10-14T03:57:06","slug":"who-are-you","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=1927","title":{"rendered":"Hello, it’s me"},"content":{"rendered":"

I’m just wondering why I feel so all alone
\nWhy I’m a stranger in my own life<\/p>\n

-Sheryl Crow\/Every Day Is A Winding Road<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

This is how it goes:
\nOne more failure to connect
\nWith so many how could I object?<\/p>\n

–Aimee Mann\/This Is How It Goes<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

 <\/p>\n

It is not a secret that I am bad at being around people I do not know. I am socially awkward, shy,\u00a0 and terrible at small talk.\u00a0 I’m the one hiding in the corner watching everything from a distance. Whatever the opposite of a social butterfly is? That would be me.\u00a0 I love spending time with friends, in smallish groups, but large groups of people will never\u00a0 be a comfort zone for me. Or even small groups of strangers.<\/p>\n

It took a long time for me to get to the point where I even wanted to be around people at all.<\/p>\n

Partly because I’m introverted by nature. Partly because I’m solitary by nature.
\nPartly because being around groups of people makes emotionally and mentally tired after more than a few hours, even people I know and like. For a day it’s great. Longer than that and I start feeling like I want to crawl out of my skin. Sometimes, too, I just don’t want to be bothered figuring out new people.<\/p>\n

In order to stay relatively sane, I need solitude in doses that many people would find strange.<\/p>\n

Earlier in my life, I had the added worry that people might not like me. I felt like I had to act like someone people would like, and it was paralyzing. Plus, if you are never yourself, either internally or externally, you’re always a stranger. In your life. In everyone’s life.<\/p>\n

If you’re a stranger to yourself, how can you connect to other people?<\/p>\n

It’s hard to be someone else, even for short periods.\u00a0 It is why actors are paid pretty well. Most of us aren’t very good at it. It’s like keeping track of a lie–it takes a lot of mental energy to keep track of who you are supposed to be when you’re pretending. It’s much simpler once you figure out that there will always be people who don’t like you no matter who you are. Some people won’t like the real you, others won’t like the pretend you. You can’t make everyone happy.\u00a0 If you cut out the pretense, and stop worrying about who doesn’t like you, it all gets a\u00a0 lot easier.<\/p>\n

Some people have a public and private persona throughout their lives. I don’t know\u00a0 where they get the energy to maintain the duality. I have a hard enough time just maintaining one moderately flawed self. Having a second personality for public use, like a politician, just seems like too much work. Do I swear like a sailor when I’m out in public? No, like everyone else, I do have to moderate my behavior at times. I try to maintain at least a shallow coating of professional veneer at work, but I’m mostly “myself.”\u00a0 Sometimes I have to make an effort to talk more and swear less. But to have a distinct personality that you deploy when you’re in public? Maybe it’s easier for those people than just being seen as socially awkward. I’ve never understood it though.<\/p>\n

Then again, I’m such a dork that I can’t even sit next to a stranger at a dinner table and make civilized conversation for an hour or two.<\/p>\n

Potayto-potahto, I guess.<\/p>\n

Mr. Politics is probably just muddling through as well as he can. Just\u00a0 like I am.<\/p>\n

Or he has no real soul, and just pulls on a handy skin as needed to distract people from his real self.<\/p>\n

I suppose it’s not really something I need to worry about!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I’m just wondering why I feel so all alone Why I’m a stranger in my own life -Sheryl Crow\/Every Day Is A Winding Road   This is how it goes: One more failure to connect With so many how could I object? –Aimee Mann\/This Is How It Goes   It is not a secret that … Continue reading Hello, it’s me<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1927","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-words"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7lr3R-v5","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":3240,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=3240","url_meta":{"origin":1927,"position":0},"title":"normal is as normal does","author":"Michelle","date":"January 2, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"When you're half a woman and you're half awake With a face full of tears and a chemical shake Given half a chance, that I can take --Elvis Costello\/You'll Never be A Man You think that you're living, you don't really know Big tears mean nothing You can count them\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":9948,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=9948","url_meta":{"origin":1927,"position":1},"title":"Give and take","author":"Michelle","date":"May 6, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"I was driving to work one partly cloudy morning this week, and realized that the sunrise was already over.\u00a0 I am not an early riser by nature. 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Oh, you know, something like \"and you will never believe what happens next!\" Or maybe \"I tried that one weird old trick to burn belly fat, and it\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Imaginary Conversation"","block_context":{"text":"Imaginary Conversation","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=18"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/michellejolin.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/01\/IMG_2470-0.jpg?fit=341%2C391&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":9748,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=9748","url_meta":{"origin":1927,"position":4},"title":"What is sexy","author":"Michelle","date":"April 13, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"Sexy is an individual thing, clearly. \u00a0I'm not talking about things that are overtly sexual, although having a man's tongue in my mouth for the first time, or that first touch of skin on skin is incredibly sexy. \u00a0I'm talking about the stuff that is sensual, but not necessarily sexual.\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":5632,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=5632","url_meta":{"origin":1927,"position":5},"title":"Not being un-myself","author":"Michelle","date":"May 9, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"And tell me, did Venus blow your mind? Was it everything you wanted to find? And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there? --Train\/Drops of Jupiter I was talking to a friend who joked about my use of a double negative. 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