{"id":2180,"date":"2013-11-09T06:15:09","date_gmt":"2013-11-09T14:15:09","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/michellejolin.com\/wordpress\/?p=2180"},"modified":"2013-11-08T22:40:51","modified_gmt":"2013-11-09T06:40:51","slug":"who-would-i-like-to-poke-in-the-eye-with-a-hot-fork","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=2180","title":{"rendered":"A brief list of people I’d like to poke in the eye with a fork. Part one."},"content":{"rendered":"

We are we are we are we are the Order of the Fork
\nAnd each and every one of us will stick it to the rest of us
\nWe are we are we are we are the Order of the Fork<\/p>\n

–Camp Song<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

 <\/p>\n

When I am faced with a person or situation which\u00a0 annoys me, I will often say that it\u00a0 makes me want to poke them in the eye with a fork.\u00a0 If they irritate me a lot, it’s a hot fork. I thought I’d share some of the people who irritate me, and assign a fork-scale to the level of provocation.<\/p>\n

Full disclosure:\u00a0\u00a0 I don’t actually ever poke anyone in the eye. Not even without a fork. It’s like when I say I’m going to open a vein when a situation is endlessly upsetting. It’s a rhetorical blood letting and a rhetorical fork.<\/p>\n

Oooh. Rhetorical Fork would be a good band name!<\/p>\n

Additional disclosure: sometimes the person I want to poke in the eye the most is myself.<\/p>\n

So here’s the Fork Scale of Irritation:<\/p>\n

Cold fork = Eh, I’d poke them in the eye,\u00a0 but not very hard. Mildly annoying. Maybe I’d just roll my eyes at them instead. Just barely worth a poke in the eye.<\/p>\n

Fork, without a modifier = they irritate me plenty.<\/p>\n

Molten fork = There is no way they could ever be poked hard enough to appease my annoyance. Maybe I would even prefer to use\u00a0 a\u00a0 pitchfork.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Dick Cheney<\/strong>. Molten<\/span>
\nThis dude is evil.\u00a0 No, he’s Evil. Pronounced eeee-ville like Vincent Price. He shot a buddy in the face and didn’t think that called for an apology. He can’t possibly be a human being. He has to be a really poorly executed android. A prototype for simulating human feelings gone horribly wrong. I’d poke him in the eye with a red-hot fork and then knee him in the groin just for fun.\u00a0\u00a0 Wearing spiked knee pads. I just do not care for the man.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

People who never shut up<\/strong>. Fork
\nThere was someone I used to work with who I had to ask to please stop talking on an almost daily basis. She never did. She was completely oblivious to non-verbal cues such as sobbing, and banging my head on the desk. I always had to ask her to stop talking, generally after she asked me if I was mad at her. To make things worse, she was at her chattiest first thing in the morning. Before I was caffeinated. When I don’t even like to talk to myself. It was like being in a mesh enclosure with 1000 house flies. They don’t hurt you, but OHMYGODPLEASESTOPTHEBUZZINGPLEASE. Or maybe I should have just gotten a fly swatter.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Taylor Swift\/Avril Lavigne<\/strong>. Cold
\nDo they really think no one has noticed that they\u00a0 are the same person?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Fred Meyer stores that have been remodeled<\/strong>.\u00a0 Fork
\nClearly usability was not part of the plan for these remodels. They’ve staggered the aisles to cause increased cart congestion at twice the number of places that had it previously. They’ve also rearranged the entire store for maximum inability to find products. The aisles are of full of sobbing families who can’t find the bread and even if they knew where it was, they wouldn’t be able to get past the piles of burning shopping carts to get there. The plan was apparently to increase sales by preventing people from ever being able to leave the stores. Kudos.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

We are we are we are we are the Order of the Fork And each and every one of us will stick it to the rest of us We are we are we are we are the Order of the Fork –Camp Song   When I am faced with a person or situation which\u00a0 annoys … Continue reading A brief list of people I’d like to poke in the eye with a fork. Part one.<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2180","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-words"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7lr3R-za","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":4923,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=4923","url_meta":{"origin":2180,"position":0},"title":"Thoughts and focus","author":"Michelle","date":"April 10, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"L'enfer est myope autant que le ciel On t'avait dit que tout se paye Regarde bien droit dans le soleil --D\u00e9troit\/Droit Dans Le Soleil Did you ever wonder why you see things so differently from a camera? You discriminate. A camera doesn't. A camera will see whatever is there. You\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/michellejolin.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/20140410-123123.jpg?fit=300%2C225&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":2081,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=2081","url_meta":{"origin":2180,"position":1},"title":"That’s why it’s called the present","author":"Michelle","date":"October 26, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"The past is gone but something might be found to take its place. --Gin Blossoms\/Hey Jealousy \u00a0 Yesterday's the past, tomorrow's the future, but today is a gift. 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