{"id":2298,"date":"2013-11-02T06:10:20","date_gmt":"2013-11-02T13:10:20","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/michellejolin.com\/wordpress\/?p=2298"},"modified":"2013-11-01T23:27:24","modified_gmt":"2013-11-02T06:27:24","slug":"what-are-you-afraid-of","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=2298","title":{"rendered":"What are you afraid of?"},"content":{"rendered":"

And she had no fear
\nAnd she ran to him
\nThen they started to fly
\nThey looked backward and said goodbye<\/p>\n

–Blue \u00d6yster Cult\/Don’t Fear The Reaper<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

<\/div>\n
Me? Oh, I’m only afraid of a few things. Not many at all.<\/div>\n

 <\/p>\n

Fire (been on fire, don’t recommend it)
\nBeing disfigured (see above)
\nBeing seen (what if people don’t like what they see?)
\nBeing invisible (what if no one even knows I’m alive?)
\nBeing alone (forever)
\nCrowds (panic, until I get to a spot that is assigned to me, such as my seat at Autzen)
\nNot loving anyone (see being alone)
\nSpiders (SPIDERS?! Where?!?)
\nSpeaking (what if someone hears me and hates me?)
\nBeing silent (what if I look like a dumbass?)
\nBad haircuts (what if I look bad?)
\nMonsters (I’m safe if I am in bed and covered up to the neck. I know it’s not logical, but I believe that monsters can’t eat me if I’m under the covers)
\nLooking out a window after dark (what if there is a monster or evil doer out there? what if there’s a vampire, and he asks to be let in and I let him in?)
\nGuns (what if I get held up again? what if I accidentally shoot someone? what if they shoot me?)
\nBeing understood (people might think I’m weird, and they’d be right)
\nBeing misunderstood (people might think I’m normal, and they’d be wrong)
\nGiant squid (who isn’t afraid of giant squid?)
\nLosing my eyes (maybe that’s just part of disfigurement…)
\nDying (but not being dead)
\nLiving badly (define badly)
\nOpen closet doors (see monsters)
\nPeople (what could possibly be scarier than people?)
\nSharks (see giant squid and monsters, who wants to get eaten to death?)
\nChange (what if it’s worse after we change it? what if I hate it?)
\nStagnation (what if it stays like this forever?)
\nCommon themes? Yeah. There are a lot of “what ifs” involved in being afraid. What ifs are useful in a very limited capacity if you are just going over them quickly and then make a decision you can act on. Running them over and over is just. Sigh. I try to avoid it as much as I can, OK?<\/p>\n

I’d say that it’s hard being me, but it isn’t true. It’s easy to be me most of the time. You just have to have a high tolerance for being an over-analytical dumbass.\u00a0 On the other hand, if you were me, you’d have my friends and family which pretty much rocks.<\/p>\n

When I’ve encountered things I’m afraid of–being held at gunpoint, being on fire, spiders in the closet–I’ve always been OK after it was over. I’m very lucky.\u00a0 Other fears just have to sort of be ignored. I’m panicky in crowds, but if I want to watch football I have to go into a very crowded stadium at some point. I pre-medicate at the tailgater,\u00a0 take a deep breath at the East gate, pretend I’m fine and go on in. It hasn’t killed me yet.<\/p>\n

I keep talking even though I’m afraid that\u00a0 people might either understand or misunderstand me. In person, it’s pretty common for me to not say anything at all unless I am comfortable around you. Writing in public is my way of getting over that. Maybe if I\u00a0 keep explaining myself\u00a0 NO ONE will understand me. Any way, it’s a lot easier for me not to be scared in writing than it is when I’m talking in person. Or maybe I’m just as scared, but I just keep hitting keys on the keyboard until words come out. In person, I can’t do that…<\/p>\n

Plus, usually when you talk? You have to talk to PEOPLE. What could possibly be more terrifying than people?\u00a0 What could be better than people?\u00a0 One of my catch-22 fears. Again with the luck, I have a lot of wonderful people in my life. I talk to them. They don’t scare me anymore. Much.<\/p>\n

And you know what? Contrary to what I always believed, the more I act like myself, and the more I say what I really think (no matter how weird I think it is) the better people seem to like me.<\/p>\n

Just don’t ask me to look out the window at night and see what’s making that noise outside. I won’t do it.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

And she had no fear And she ran to him Then they started to fly They looked backward and said goodbye –Blue \u00d6yster Cult\/Don’t Fear The Reaper Me? Oh, I’m only afraid of a few things. Not many at all.   Fire (been on fire, don’t recommend it) Being disfigured (see above) Being seen (what … Continue reading What are you afraid of?<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2298","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-words"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7lr3R-B4","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":10063,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=10063","url_meta":{"origin":2298,"position":0},"title":"Spider in the skylight","author":"Michelle","date":"June 26, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"There was a spider on the skylight.\u00a0 Its web was backlit by the sun streaming in, making the woman shade her eyes as she looked up at it from the bed below.\u00a0 She hated spiders. 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