{"id":2656,"date":"2013-11-22T06:05:25","date_gmt":"2013-11-22T14:05:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/michellejolin.com\/wordpress\/?p=2656"},"modified":"2013-11-21T20:40:09","modified_gmt":"2013-11-22T04:40:09","slug":"what-holds-you-together","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=2656","title":{"rendered":"What holds you together?"},"content":{"rendered":"

E il treno io l’ho preso e ho fatto bene.
\nSpago sulla mia valigia non ce n’era,
\nsolo un p\u00f2 d’amore la teneva insieme,
\nsolo un p\u00f2 di rancore la teneva insieme.
\n–Francesco De Gregori\/Pablo<\/a>***<\/p>\n

And the fact is I had fun, fumbling around
\nAll the advice I shunned, and I ran
\nWhere they told me not to run, but I sure
\nHad fun, so
\nI’m gonna fuck it up again
\nI’m gonna do another detour
\nUnpave my path
\n–Fiona Apple\/A Mistake<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

When I finally decided to run, I took a plane. Then a train.
\nWith my usual flair for exaggeration, I went to another continent.
\nI must have been such a joy to my parents what with the teenage marriage, bad attitude and scar tissue.
\nMy mother, to give her credit, was smart enough not to tell me it was a bad idea to run off to France without having any idea how I was going to get back. I could only afford a one way ticket. I figured I’d get a ticket back somehow. My somehows back then were more than a little sketchy. <\/p>\n

I wasn’t running from anything that any other 20 year old didn’t have to deal with. People I was having trouble forgetting. Someone I loved, who I felt like I’d hurt, who I didn’t see any more. Too much sex and drugs and rock ‘n roll. Which, I suppose, were just a different way of running. I could justify leaving intellectually, since I was majoring in French. Running with the complicity, assistance and encouragement of the entire Romance Language department at the University of Oregon.<\/p>\n

Running away, but convinced I was running to<\/em> something. A better future, I guess. An intellectual adventure. A chance to expand my very provincial horizons. To gain life experience. To lose my American accent. Meet new people. I don’t know. I was 20. I didn’t know anything, and I thought I was smart. I thought it would change me. No, I thought it would make me better. <\/p>\n

Because at that point, I was kind of a mish-mash of inferiority and superiority complexes. I though I was both smart and an idiot. Ugly and man bait. Completely on top of everything, and completely useless. Oh, how is that different from what I’m like now? Well. I’m not man bait any more. Aside from that, you know, people don’t change very much. Also, shut up. I’m not quite as much of a mess as I was back then. I’m shedding some of those feelings of inadequacy a little at a time, but like all of us I still have my moments where I’m driving down I-5 with the music blaring, crying about being such a fucking dumbass. <\/p>\n

These days, although I’m still weird inside and lame, I have friends who make me (mostly) think that’s OK. I only think I’m a dumbass some of the time. <\/p>\n

These days, there is way more love holding me together than bitterness. <\/p>\n

It has nothing to do with when I ran away, or where I ran, and more to do with when I stopped and paid attention.<\/p>\n

I can be smart about lot of things and an idiot about others, and not beat myself up about it. No one knows everything. Except my mother. I can have times when I really am completely useless and fall apart, but even while I’m doing it I know that I’ll hold together.<\/p>\n

I’m stuck together with stubbornness, humor and love.
\nThat sounds kind of icky.<\/p>\n

But it’s good glue.<\/p>\n

***Translation:
\nI took the train, and it was for the best.
\nThere was no twine around my suitcase
\nOnly a bit of love held it together
\nOnly a bit of rancor held it together<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

E il treno io l’ho preso e ho fatto bene. Spago sulla mia valigia non ce n’era, solo un p\u00f2 d’amore la teneva insieme, solo un p\u00f2 di rancore la teneva insieme. –Francesco De Gregori\/Pablo*** And the fact is I had fun, fumbling around All the advice I shunned, and I ran Where they told … Continue reading What holds you together?<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2656","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-words"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7lr3R-GQ","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":391,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=391","url_meta":{"origin":2656,"position":0},"title":"Hand in Hand","author":"Michelle","date":"July 20, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"Don't ask me to apologize I won't ask you to forgive me If I'm gonna go down You're gonna come with me Hand in hand. --Elvis Costello \u00a0 This doesn't do much to explain my belief system unless I'm explaining through opposites. 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