Today I would like to apologize for being inadvertently unkind to someone. <\/p>\n
If you think it’s you, it probably isn’t. If I was unkind to you at some point, and you are expecting a public apology, it could be coming in a future post. I have committed a lot of infractions, and I’m only on apology #6. You should totally send me a message and make sure I am aware of my offense and what sort of priority you think it should receive in my rating system.<\/p>\n
No, there isn’t really a rating system…but now that I’ve written it, I kind of like the idea. There could be a list coming. If I could write this shit without actually reading it, things might be better for me. Yes, sometimes it DOES already seem like I don’t read it. <\/p>\n
If you would prefer a private apology, please indicate so in your request. I am happy to accommodate special apology orders.<\/p>\n
Anyway. On to my apologizing.<\/p>\n
Shortly after graduating from High School, I broke up with someone who was very important to me. Someone I loved, but even then I knew we were really not cut out to be lovers. I think he knew it, too. <\/p>\n
The reason I gave him was pretty close to the truth: I didn’t want to be such a low priority in his life. I could handle not being in the top four (school, work, music, family), but I was completely unwilling to come after hanging out with his co-workers getting high on any random substance they might get their hands on. Partly because the behavior worried me, partly because I wanted to be more important to him than that. <\/p>\n
Not being in the top 5 was unacceptable to me.
\nThat’s pretty much what I said to him. Not unkindly. Not with any real intent to hurt him. <\/p>\n
But if I’m totally honest with myself, at the moment I said it, I said it mostly because I was angry. Angry that he’d canceled plans to see me so he could get high. Again. Not that we didn’t see each other a lot, but compared to seeing each other every day it seemed like a big change.<\/p>\n
The thing is, I really hadn’t planned on breaking up with him at all. We were both going to be at different colleges in a just a few months anyway. He was staying in Oregon, but I was moving to Boston. All I really needed to do was wait it out, see him a little less often over the Summer and then move to Boston in August and let things sort of fade back into friendship.<\/p>\n
There were a couple of incidents that scared me, and if I’d been honest with him I’d have told him that. I don’t think it would have changed things, but maybe it would have slowed him down a little. Maybe, maybe. I know I’m not responsible for anyone else’s trip through life. I’m barely responsible for my own. He chose his own actions, but still, I wonder.<\/p>\n
Maybe if it happened now, I’d be wiser. I was certainly not very wise at the advanced age of 17, but then, who is?<\/p>\n
Maybe breaking up with him was actually the kinder thing to do than just fading away.<\/p>\n
Either way, what I’m sorry for is that I had to hurt him.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"