{"id":3995,"date":"2014-03-01T03:00:43","date_gmt":"2014-03-01T11:00:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/michellejolin.com\/wordpress\/?p=3995"},"modified":"2014-03-01T00:00:38","modified_gmt":"2014-03-01T08:00:38","slug":"roller-coaster","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=3995","title":{"rendered":"Like Brian Wilson did"},"content":{"rendered":"

I still haven\u00b4t got over it even now.
\nI want to spend huge amounds of time in my room.
\nAnd I\u00b4m not coming out until I feel ready,
\nNot running out while my heart\u00b4s unsteady,
\nAnd I\u00b4m not really in your head.
\n–Everything But The Girl\/Roller Coaster<\/p>\n

There’s a world where I can go
\nAnd tell my secrets to
\nIn my room
\n–Beach Boys\/In My Room\n<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

When I was a little girl, my mother always had a hell of a time getting me out of my room. I was always someone who liked to be inside. Everything I loved to do was more easily done indoors: drawing, reading, writing. Being outside? With other people? That was boring. Or scary if I didn’t know the people. <\/p>\n

Like most children of our generation, my brother and I were required to be outside at all times. I think we were supposed to come home from school, have a snack, not burn the house down, watch Sesame Street or the Electric Company, and then go outside and play until we were called in for dinner. <\/p>\n

The older I got, the less inclined I was to be either outside or with other kids. The way my Ma tells it, when I was a teenager she asked me if I wanted something while we were at the dinner table and in response I screamed “why can’t everyone just leave me alone!” and then locked myself in my room forever. I don’t remember the episode but cannot deny that I did lock myself in my room for a few decades. I’m exaggerating slightly. Well..actually…it’s probably accurate if I consider it as a cumulative total rather than consecutive years. Anyway, it sounds like something I would have done at fifteen or so, and there is no denying that I did lock myself in my room for a long time. <\/p>\n

I’m guessing that I probably also slammed the door and burst into tears. Not necessarily in that order. <\/p>\n

What did I gain from it? I started to say “peace” but that’s wrong. Quiet. Solitude. A lack of interaction with anyone but books, notebooks and a sketch pad. I was left alone. I learned to think. Exactly what I wanted. <\/p>\n

What I lost was also interaction with anyone but books, notebooks and a sketch pad. I was left alone. I didn’t learn how to act like a human being. Not what i wanted at all. Interesting how that works.<\/p>\n

I wonder if I was in my room for as long as Brian Wilson was? It probably doesn’t really count since I always came out for school. In college, I mostly was out of my room. I went back in during the 90’s, and I’ve been out again now for a long time. Did I grow out of it? Did I get better? Maybe. Or maybe I will end up back in there again. It’s not so bad. I have music to listen to and books to read. Words to write. If I got bored, I could knit, weave or carve lino and make prints. There are a lot of things to do in my room. <\/p>\n

Sometimes I really want to stay in, but I don’t. Maybe that’s the only difference–just deciding not to. <\/p>\n

If I go back in, I’ll let you know.
\nI could set up a mailing list.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I still haven\u00b4t got over it even now. I want to spend huge amounds of time in my room. And I\u00b4m not coming out until I feel ready, Not running out while my heart\u00b4s unsteady, And I\u00b4m not really in your head. –Everything But The Girl\/Roller Coaster There’s a world where I can go And … Continue reading Like Brian Wilson did<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3995","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-words"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7lr3R-12r","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":5124,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=5124","url_meta":{"origin":3995,"position":0},"title":"Meeting Omer","author":"Michelle","date":"April 17, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Once upon a time, a heartbroken 17 year old went off to Boston for college. The heartbroken girl had never been particularly popular with boys, but during her first week at BU, all of a sudden it turned out that boys thought she was pretty. This was a new turn\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/michellejolin.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/04\/20140416-195258.jpg?fit=300%2C298&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":6479,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=6479","url_meta":{"origin":3995,"position":1},"title":"0200 again??","author":"Michelle","date":"July 2, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"It is not due to any mental distress, I don't think. It is just too hot to sleep, even with the AC going in the bedroom. Oh, so that's why. It was blowing warm air in because the hose popped off the back. My little C3PO room air saves my\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":5381,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=5381","url_meta":{"origin":3995,"position":2},"title":"Secrets","author":"Michelle","date":"May 2, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"I won't tell your secrets Your secrets are safe with me I will keep your secrets (yes, I will) Just think of me as the pages in your diary --Alicia Keys\/Diary Everyone has secrets. Even people who are open books. I would never read a partner's mail, emails, text messages.\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":9710,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=9710","url_meta":{"origin":3995,"position":3},"title":"Trust and risk","author":"Michelle","date":"April 4, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"Trust and riskI guess the point is, there is no trust without risk. If it were EASY\u2026I mean, if it was all a guaranteed walk in the park, if there wasn\u2019t a real risk that someone would cross the line\u2026then it wouldn\u2019t be real trust.--Amanda Palmer\/the Art of AskingIn my\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":9390,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=9390","url_meta":{"origin":3995,"position":4},"title":"To do list","author":"Michelle","date":"February 27, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"Figure out Life, the Universe and Everything. By this weekend, if possible.\u00a0 Oh, right. Like I can just check that one off a list.\u00a0Make a more manageable list of things I can start to do to figure out Life, the Universe and Everything. \u00a0\u00a0Is there even a starting point to\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":9090,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=9090","url_meta":{"origin":3995,"position":5},"title":"Dream time","author":"Michelle","date":"January 15, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"In the dream, I was walking past my car. It was parked in front of a school building. All of the doors were open, including the hatch, and the keys were sitting on the front seat. The car key was not the same as it was before. 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