{"id":4581,"date":"2014-03-22T12:00:08","date_gmt":"2014-03-22T19:00:08","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/michellejolin.com\/wordpress\/?p=4581"},"modified":"2014-03-21T22:46:24","modified_gmt":"2014-03-22T05:46:24","slug":"being-naked","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=4581","title":{"rendered":"Being naked"},"content":{"rendered":"

And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd
\nCause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
\nAnd I know that you’ll use them, however you want to
\n–Anna Nalick\/Breathe(2AM)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

That’s the thing about doing this.<\/p>\n

You can use my words however you want to.
\nPossibly against me.
\nI don’t get any words back, so how do I know what you’ve got up your virtual sleeves?<\/p>\n

So why do I throw them out here where they can be seen by anyone?<\/p>\n

Mostly because I figure that doing unimportant things that terrify me is really good practice for when something both important and scary needs to be done. If I can just get used to doing scary things every day, or at least uncomfortable things, eventually I will be braver over all. Trust me, I’m in need of courage. I’m a congenital runner and hider. Putting things out there in the open where people can see them is not what I think of as safe and easy.<\/p>\n

So, is it working?
\nWell.
\nI’m still here.
\nI don’t know.
\nNo. Not really.
\nYes.
\nI’m still doing it.
\nI’m still uncomfortable.
\nNo, I’m mostly still scared.<\/p>\n

What’s so scary about this?
\nWhat isn’t\u203d<\/p>\n

I am taking thoughts. And feelings. The ones that come out of my very own head. And putting them where people can just wander by and see what they are any time they want. In a certain mind set, I’m feeding people ammunition. For any purpose they choose.<\/p>\n

My thoughts and feelings have always been held internally on a need to know basis. And there is no one who needed to know, in my opinion. But that made me sort of shrivel up and die internally, so I had to figure out a way to get them out.<\/p>\n

I am not much at talking, but I like writing, so…
\nHere I am.<\/p>\n

Naked brain and all.<\/p>\n

Anything I say can and will be used against me.
\nProbably even in a court of law.
\nLet’s hope it doesn’t come to that.<\/p>\n

So what’s the deal? Why the angst about exposure all of a sudden?
\nIt’s always in the back of my mind, of course, but something else did cause a bit of an increase in the level of worry.<\/p>\n

During my morning mis-guided meditation (aka my morning commute), this song came on. One I don’t even particularly like. And it made me cry all the way to work. It hit me in the stomach at the part I quoted, but this is what made me start paying attention in the first
\nplace:<\/p>\n

In May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
\n“Just a Day,” he said down to the flask in his fist
\n“Ain’t been sober, since maybe October of last year”
\nHere in town you can tell he’s been down for awhile
\nBut, my God, it’s so beautiful when the boy smiles
\nWanna hold him, maybe I’ll just sing about it<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

So, sniffling up I-5 toward NW Portland, I make it past that and get to the last bit and lose it. Lose it, but singing along.<\/p>\n

Why did I lose it?<\/p>\n

Because I’ve known so many people over the years who’ve been damaged by something. Booze, drugs, life, whatever. The beautiful part of them still shines though. You probably love someone like that. If you’re lucky. Or maybe it’s unlucky. It depends on how tightly they’re holding onto that flask, or whatever their particular crutch is, and maybe how much you love them. Those people are so hard to not love. How do you not love someone with a smile that lights up a room? They’re so easy to love and so hard to deal with on a day to day basis. Anyone with a real or metaphorical flask in their fist is going to be prone to evasion. Slippery behavior. Lying, maybe. Or just not quite telling you the whole truth. <\/p>\n

And I think everyone is like that in some way. Then I think of what the fat camp counselor said about most people having healthy coping mechanisms.<\/p>\n

Do they really? Most?
\nIt doesn’t sound right to me.<\/p>\n

I put the song on again on the way home.
\nI sang along some more.<\/p>\n

I still don’t feel very brave, but maybe I can put down my own metaphorical flask for a while and breathe.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud And I know that you’ll use them, however you want to –Anna Nalick\/Breathe(2AM) That’s the thing about doing this. You can use my words however you want to. Possibly against me. I don’t get any … Continue reading Being naked<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"Being naked....\r\n#Breathe #BeingBrave\r\n http:\/\/wp.me\/p4FR8-1bT","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4581","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-words"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7lr3R-1bT","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":6016,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=6016","url_meta":{"origin":4581,"position":0},"title":"Being naked","author":"Michelle","date":"June 1, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"What the people who don\u2019t wear shades don\u2019t know is that some of us wear shades because they\u2019re all that stop us being eye-naked \u2014 forced to gaze, unprotected, at the wet and bleeding face of reality as it squirms and pulses and writhes like a razor slicing a child\u2019s\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/michellejolin.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/05\/20140531-234853-85733494.jpg?fit=454%2C313&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":6283,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=6283","url_meta":{"origin":4581,"position":1},"title":"How many words?","author":"Michelle","date":"June 19, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"I look like I was living out in the frozen wilderness, where I was panning for adjectives or something else that wild writers do. --Neil Gaiman On July 10 of last year, after a month or two of fiddling around with a web site I've had for several years, I\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/michellejolin.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/06\/20140618-164940-60580591.jpg?fit=454%2C313&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":9855,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=9855","url_meta":{"origin":4581,"position":2},"title":"Upcoming wordaversary","author":"Michelle","date":"April 26, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"In just a few days, the blog will hit 300,000 words. Well over 715 posts in about 21 months.\u00a0 Most of the posts are mediocre at best. Going back to the first several months, back in the Summer of 2013, I can see how rough it was. I didn't know\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":5881,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=5881","url_meta":{"origin":4581,"position":3},"title":"An imaginary conversation about television","author":"Michelle","date":"May 25, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Hey..so...do you have any idea why there is a 100 foot wide television in the living room? 100 foot wide? That is pretty big for a 15 foot long wall! It's enormous. It's larger than the actual physical space. 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It ended with me worrying that I was not going to fit in with everyone else's grooming choices and would\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":7607,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=7607","url_meta":{"origin":4581,"position":5},"title":"Stuff I have learned in the last year","author":"Michelle","date":"September 21, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Be yourself Don't pretend No one is all bad or all good Telling people what you want is scary, but sometimes actually results in getting what you want Tell people you love them Love people Never assume bad intent Be kind to yourself Give people a chance. 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