{"id":6569,"date":"2014-07-12T05:30:09","date_gmt":"2014-07-12T12:30:09","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/michellejolin.com\/wordpress\/?p=6569"},"modified":"2014-07-11T23:03:52","modified_gmt":"2014-07-12T06:03:52","slug":"happy-366th-day","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=6569","title":{"rendered":"A year in the life"},"content":{"rendered":"

Though I know I’ll never lose affection
\nFor people and things that went before
\nI know I’ll often stop and think about them
\nIn my life I love you more
\n–the Beatles\/In My Life<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

On July 12th, 2013 I posted this:
\nIs it a trick?<\/a><\/p>\n

What I absolutely did not know is that it would be the first day of a streak. It wasn’t much. It was only a few words. I don’t really remember when or if I decided that it was going to become a daily thing. Something that I had to do no matter what. It did, though. <\/p>\n

Perseverance is not one of my native attributes, especially if something is difficult for me. This has been. Not the cranking out of words. That’s easy. I can spew out 500 words in no time at all. But 500 words of…ewwww…sharing? Private thoughts? Feelings? It is not something I am comfortable with. At all. <\/p>\n

Sometimes, I admit, there is a little bit of dissonance between what I say my character is like and the way it must seem from the things I write about. How can I say that I am introverted and reserved and then write about being yelled at for masturbating in nursery school? How can someone who talks about pubic hair so much call herself uncomfortable talking about her personal life?<\/p>\n

You should have paid closer attention, I am sure I have explained it before. <\/p>\n

There are two ways I account for it:<\/p>\n

1. It makes me uncomfortable, and this year I have been trying to do things that are outside of my comfort zone. With mixed results, but in general the more squeamish an idea makes me the more likely it is to hit the blog. The more afraid I am of something, the more likely I am to at least consider doing it. Lots of losses, but the kind that could lead to better things ahead. Stress. Not sleeping. Maybe there is something to be said about being snug in a comfort zone. It’s comfortable at least. This has not been a comfortable year. <\/p>\n

2. It is far easier for me to talk about anything in writing than it is verbally. I had pen pals as a child, and online friends as an adult. I am used to writing my thoughts. The surprising thing is why I didn’t start doing more of it sooner. See #1, I guess.<\/p>\n

It’s an anniversary, and I suppose I should come up with some sort of wisdom to share. Something that sums up what I have gotten out of this experience. Something that tells of my plans for the future. <\/p>\n

I haven’t figured out the plans for the future. I hope I keep writing, but maybe not daily. I have missed some of my other loves, and hope to discover some new ones. Drawing, maybe. Something artistic, perhaps. Or maybe I will start running again. <\/p>\n

It’s a little hard to say what I have gotten out of this. <\/p>\n

Definitely one thing: being who I am, letting other people see who I am, has been overwhelming at times, but such a positive change in my life. I have always felt weird in a bad way. Unlikeable. Worse, unloveable. People have responded with so much acceptance. It is starting to change how I feel about myself. Small steps. Painful steps at times, but it is forward motion. <\/p>\n

I’ve learned to be grateful, always, for all of the beauty in my life. I’ve learned to forgive, if not to forget. Forgiving someone for things that happened 3 decades ago was a major step. I don’t think that wouldn’t have happened without all of the writing. <\/p>\n

It always hits me, after a bad time in my life, that something has happened to help me through it. <\/p>\n

Maybe a supportive message from a friend, or a small gift. Maybe it is the reappearance of someone you never expected to hear from again. There has been a lot of that during the last year or two. It helps offset some of the losses. The losses have been difficult. Some of them look like they will be permanent. <\/p>\n

Writing has helped me figure out how I feel about things and people. Some of what I write shows up here, a lot of it doesn’t. <\/p>\n

There is lot of sadness in my life right now–I’d have to be heartless not to feel sad–but even so, there is still a lot of happiness. I still consider myself one of the luckiest people I know.<\/p>\n

Maybe recognizing that everything is what it is, and everyone is who they are and just accepting that will sink in, too.<\/p>\n

That is what I hope.<\/p>\n


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Though I know I’ll never lose affection For people and things that went before I know I’ll often stop and think about them In my life I love you more –the Beatles\/In My Life On July 12th, 2013 I posted this: Is it a trick? What I absolutely did not know is that it would … Continue reading A year in the life<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6569","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-words"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7lr3R-1HX","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":5332,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=5332","url_meta":{"origin":6569,"position":0},"title":"Word diet","author":"Michelle","date":"April 26, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Hello, Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me... Is there anyone at home? --Pink Floyd\/Comfortably Numb The other day on Twitter, I was threatening to go on a word diet. Joking, mostly--not threatening. Threatening would imply some actual intent to follow through. I could probably\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":7575,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=7575","url_meta":{"origin":6569,"position":1},"title":"Posts galore","author":"Michelle","date":"September 18, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"I was looking at my blog stats this morning and noticed this: 500 posts. I knew I had blathered out over 200,000 words, which is a tremendous number, but somehow 500 is a number that actually sort of sinks in. 500 posts since (essentially) mid-July of last year. 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It's the words that we don't say that scare me so. --Elvis Costello \u00a0 We are masters of the unsaid words, but slaves of those we let slip out. --Winston Churchill \u00a0 From the time we are toddlers and learn the\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":5152,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=5152","url_meta":{"origin":6569,"position":3},"title":"Ain’t Misbehaving","author":"Michelle","date":"May 21, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Certe notti se sei fortunato bussi alla porta di chi \u00e8 come te. C'\u00e8 la notte che ti tiene tra le sue tette un po' mamma un po' porca com'\u00e8. Quelle notti da farci l'amore fin quando fa male fin quando ce n'\u00e8. --Ligabue\/Certe Notti Whatever gets you through the\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":3313,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=3313","url_meta":{"origin":6569,"position":4},"title":"81338 words in 2013","author":"Michelle","date":"January 4, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"So...that's kind of a lot of words. Definitely a lot more words than I ever expected to write. When I started up a blog, I didn't really have a goal in mind. I think it's probably fairly obvious that I still don't. Like you haven't figured that out about me.\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":3637,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=3637","url_meta":{"origin":6569,"position":5},"title":"Away from the sun..into the sun","author":"Michelle","date":"January 30, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"There is always music on if I am pretty much anywhere, but especially in the car. I sing along to the car stereo almost as a form of meditation. 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