{"id":6721,"date":"2014-07-25T05:30:54","date_gmt":"2014-07-25T12:30:54","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/michellejolin.com\/wordpress\/?p=6721"},"modified":"2014-07-24T23:10:05","modified_gmt":"2014-07-25T06:10:05","slug":"dont-look-back","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=6721","title":{"rendered":"Don’t look back"},"content":{"rendered":"

I never, she never, we never looked back
\nThat wasn\u2019t what we were good at
\nAnd when it came to love
\nWe were not good enough.
\n–Lumineers\/Slow It Down\n<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Not being good enough for love is something I think about a lot. Too much, probably. Like everything else I think about. Overthink about. <\/p>\n

Love is more important than most of the things I obsess about, though. Maybe it’s because I had it at such a young age, or at such an impressionable age…but I know what I’m missing when I don’t have it. I know what it is, or at least what I think it is. (Not particularly confident about what I do and do not know tonight, it would seem)<\/p>\n

And I figure there must be something that I do wrong. There’s this wonderful thing, and I blow it. Or it would be there if I did more or less of something. If I was thinner or more charming or athletic. If I could make small talk. Or any talk at all. If I could be less needy or less independent. If I could be better at..whatever it is..then I wouldn’t have to hear that it’s not me, it’s him. Logically, of course, I know that is wrong. <\/p>\n

Particularly because I think I’ve done something wrong whether it’s me who doesn’t love someone or if someone doesn’t love me. Either way. My fault. Because if I don’t love someone who is a perfectly wonderful person, it must be me. Something wrong with me. Some flaw that rejects love unless it isn’t returned. <\/p>\n

Which is…it just makes me…
\nUgh.
\nCrazy. <\/p>\n

Although it is also kind of, possibly, true. Partially, anyway. <\/p>\n

Normally there are at least two sides to every story, and even in the most obviously bad scenario there is something not working on both sides. Not necessarily wrong with me or them but that just doesn’t work when we get put together. Anyone older than 20 has probably been there, in the “it’s not you it’s me” zone. I’ve been on both sides of it. It sucks. <\/p>\n

I think I might be on both sides of it now. <\/p>\n

I think I might always be. There’s a happy thought. <\/p>\n

The thing that is so tricky is that many of us are at cross purposes. We do things convinced of what someone thinks or feels and we may be wrong about it. We tell each other what we think we want or need to hear, all based on thoughts and feelings that might be wrong. How often would just being open about what we’re thinking make it better?<\/p>\n

Sure, sometimes it would be awkward or hard. Sometimes it would result in hurt feelings. But not saying things does too.<\/p>\n

In the zone I am in right now, it’s kind of a no win.
\nPositivity is there but it has been a little hard to maintain in the last few days. <\/p>\n

It’ll be back.
\nNo, I am not about to burst into a rousing version of “Tomorrow” from the musical “Annie.”<\/p>\n

I am just trying to not look back or forward but be where I am and in the present. And smile. <\/p>\n

Maybe tomorrow I will go ice skating. It’s hard to be mopey when you’re breaking your wrists falling down on the ice!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I never, she never, we never looked back That wasn\u2019t what we were good at And when it came to love We were not good enough. –Lumineers\/Slow It Down Not being good enough for love is something I think about a lot. Too much, probably. Like everything else I think about. Overthink about. Love is … Continue reading Don’t look back<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":6550,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6721","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-words"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/michellejolin.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/07\/20140706-191531-69331077.jpg?fit=454%2C313&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7lr3R-1Kp","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":2749,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=2749","url_meta":{"origin":6721,"position":0},"title":"Fairly civil war","author":"Michelle","date":"November 30, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"And on Friday, there was once again football. 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The sky. Treetops. The ceiling. Me. I get out of bed in the morning with only the usual amount of good natured complaining about the necessity of the existence of 5:30am. My creativity level. The temperature, intermittently. The level of anticipation of what is going to happen at\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Random thoughts"","block_context":{"text":"Random thoughts","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=20"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":2512,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=2512","url_meta":{"origin":6721,"position":4},"title":"The age of innocence","author":"Michelle","date":"November 16, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"Eve took a fruit, Eve bit the fruit Juice ran down her chin Babies will put things in their mouths Never heard of sin. --Joan Osborne\/Lumina I don't really know how I would define innocence exactly, but I'm not sure I ever was innocent. Even when I was little, I\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":4764,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=4764","url_meta":{"origin":6721,"position":5},"title":"My early life in songs","author":"Michelle","date":"April 11, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Music has always been part of my daily life. Always. For as long as I can remember. I drive with it. I write with it. I read with it. I knit to it. I have music in my head when I wake up and when I go to sleep. 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