{"id":7059,"date":"2014-08-22T05:30:00","date_gmt":"2014-08-22T12:30:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/michellejolin.com\/wordpress\/?p=7059"},"modified":"2014-08-21T23:05:21","modified_gmt":"2014-08-22T06:05:21","slug":"the-middle-of-the-night","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=7059","title":{"rendered":"The middle of the night"},"content":{"rendered":"

\nYou beat it in me, that part of you
\nBut I’m gonna split us back in two
\nTired of living in a cloud
\nIf you’re gonna say shit now you’ll do it out loud
\nIt’s 2:45 in the morning
\nAnd I’m putting myself on warning
\n–Elliot Smith\/2:45 AM<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

For Elliot it was 2:45, but for me it’s almost always 3:00.
\nAnd 3:00 is a dark, lonely time if you are awake and alone. <\/p>\n

It’s not like there’s a lot of company. Even if you are not alone in the house, at 3:00, you might as well be. There’s a reason it’s called the dead of night. <\/p>\n

For me, 3:00 means I am at high risk for either writing shit that’s particularly depressing in my blog to try to figure out what is making my mind spin or (far worse) writing messages to other people wondering what their role in it is. I recently curtailed that avenue of expression, though, so now all I really have is writing depressing shit to myself or in the blog. I can’t even pretend to hope I am communicating with anyone at 0300 anymore, so now it seems a little darker than it might have been a month ago.<\/p>\n

Being awake at 3:00 is kind of like being inside of a Pink Floyd song: is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me…<\/p>\n

Writing something out at least sometimes leads to insight. Writing to people who don’t respond is just silly. If people are going to tell me their story, it’s not going to be because I thought of them in the dead of the night and sent them a message.<\/p>\n

Well. I suppose if someone wanted to tell me their story, and I asked them to…they would. If they don’t want to, they won’t. 3:00 AM probably doesn’t really have anything to do with not getting what I ask for. <\/p>\n

In the immortal words of Mammy, or was it Pork, in Gone With The Wind, when Scarlett sets out to ask Ashley for help getting the money to pay the taxes on Tara:<\/p>\n

Askin’ ain’t gettin’.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Sometimes you talk, and people listen and respond. Other times, you might as well be talking to yourself. How persistent should you be when someone isn’t there? You can have all the faith and trust in them in the world, but at a certain point, you have to let go. <\/p>\n

The Zen Dorks always say that we should never hold on to anything. I am not sure I agree with that completely. Especially at 3:00. <\/p>\n

At 3:00, it is awfully nice to feel like you have someone who wants to hold on to you.<\/p>\n

I write a lot about the middle of the night, it seems like. It’s a place I had only really experienced from the “staying up all night” side until recently. That isn’t the same middle of the night at all. This middle of the night appeared about a year ago, and doesn’t show any signs of leaving. <\/p>\n

Quite the opposite. It’s settling in. I don’t really know if it’s because of a turbulent mind or age. At this point, it doesn’t bother me much any more. If I don’t go right back to sleep, I just get out my tablet and start scribbling. It’s quiet. There are no interruptions. If I was smart, I would start writing something..significant..during the middle of the night. It seems like I am more focused then, but that could be an illusion brought on by the lack of sleep.<\/p>\n

Maybe the waking up is just an illusion.<\/p>\n

Hmmm. <\/p>\n

Based on the amount of writing I find in the morning, I am guessing not. <\/p>\n

Or I could be writing in my sleep. That would explain some of my content..<\/p>\n

I think I will go to sleep now and do some tests.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

You beat it in me, that part of you But I’m gonna split us back in two Tired of living in a cloud If you’re gonna say shit now you’ll do it out loud It’s 2:45 in the morning And I’m putting myself on warning –Elliot Smith\/2:45 AM For Elliot it was 2:45, but for … Continue reading The middle of the night<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7059","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-words"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7lr3R-1PR","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":4723,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=4723","url_meta":{"origin":7059,"position":0},"title":"Ride it out. Write it out","author":"Michelle","date":"March 31, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"The other night I was up having one of my periodic nocturnal crying jags. I tried to stay in bed and go back to sleep but eventually got up and wrote for a few hours. About the crying jag and the not sleeping. Maybe you read about it. After a\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":10215,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=10215","url_meta":{"origin":7059,"position":1},"title":"What I did last night","author":"Michelle","date":"June 17, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"Back at the metalwork.\u00a0 Just so we are all clear, metalsmithing is even worse for people with carpal tunnel and tennis elbow than writing and knitting. I'm sure to love it.\u00a0 Day 1...sawing through metal in all sorts of shapes.\u00a0 I made this: \u00a0\u00a0 Now I am going to take\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Random thoughts"","block_context":{"text":"Random thoughts","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=20"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":1293,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=1293","url_meta":{"origin":7059,"position":2},"title":"How much is too much?","author":"Michelle","date":"September 5, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"\u00a0 The moment that you feel, just possibly, you are walking down the street naked, exposing too much of your heart and your mind, and what exists on the inside, showing too much of yourself...That is the moment, you might be starting to get it right. --Neil Gaiman \u00a0 I\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":6200,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=6200","url_meta":{"origin":7059,"position":3},"title":"an imaginary talk about shit and ideas","author":"Michelle","date":"June 24, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"How do you find something different to write every day? Don't you run out of ideas? I am always one post away from my last idea. I feel like I repeat myself sometimes and have to search back and make sure I am not plagiarizing myself. What will you if\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Imaginary Conversation"","block_context":{"text":"Imaginary Conversation","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=18"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/michellejolin.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/06\/20140623-200934-72574032.jpg?fit=454%2C313&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":1774,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=1774","url_meta":{"origin":7059,"position":4},"title":"Uh, wait..what?","author":"Michelle","date":"October 5, 2013","format":false,"excerpt":"\u00a0When someone tells you something big, it's like you're taking money from them, and there's no way it will ever go back to being the way it was. You have to take responsibility for listening. --Banana Yoshimoto\/Lake \u00a0 Usually what is going on in my immediate surroundings and what I'm\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":7335,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=7335","url_meta":{"origin":7059,"position":5},"title":"Not writing shit down","author":"Michelle","date":"September 4, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"On my way to work, a song lyric hooked into me. I got an idea for something to write, and I reached for my phone to take a picture of my stereo so I would remember the song in case I wanted to write something later. 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