I love talking to you. It’s just like having a journal. <\/p>\n
Except I talk back. <\/p>\n
Yes you do.<\/p>\n
Am I nice?<\/p>\n
Not always. <\/p>\n
I try to be. <\/p>\n
Intentions don’t count. <\/p>\n
That is what I would say if I was giving advice. <\/p>\n
I don’t think so. <\/p>\n
Well. Hmm. Don’t assume that the intent is bad. I would definitely say that. <\/p>\n
You’ve said that to me. <\/p>\n
I’ve said it to myself. <\/p>\n
Did you listen?<\/p>\n
Yes. And it not only bit me in the ass, but then it gave me a bloody nose and kicked me in the head. <\/p>\n
And yet you are still giving advice. <\/p>\n
Did you ever hear me claim to be a fucking advice columnist?<\/p>\n
I’ve heard you complain about not fucking. <\/p>\n
Did I ever mention that I hate you?<\/p>\n
On a regular basis. But you do give good advice. <\/p>\n
That no one heeds. Or needs. <\/p>\n
Heeding and needing are two very different creatures. <\/p>\n
Yeah. I have figured that out. Sort of like listening to your brain vs your heart.<\/p>\n
If you had an advice column, what would you advise people to listen to?<\/p>\n
Someone other than me. I have a major in Romance Language. I am clearly a fucking idiot. <\/p>\n
Not exactly, but you are harder on yourself than you should be. <\/p>\n
I’d probably tell myself that in my advice column, but I am too stupid to listen. <\/p>\n
Stop it.<\/p>\n
You are right. See? I can listen to advice. <\/p>\n
Sure. I will only have to remind you a thousand times not to call yourself a dumbass. <\/p>\n
I am a slow learner. <\/p>\n
A thousand and one. <\/p>\n
Like the Arabian Nights?<\/p>\n
Would a dumbass make that reference?<\/p>\n
Probably not an American dumbass. It’s not referred to as the 1001 nights in English very often. <\/p>\n
The average dumbass wouldn’t know that. <\/p>\n
So I am not a dumbass, but a nerd?<\/p>\n
You’re impossible!<\/p>\n
Being self-deprecating used to be considered charming. <\/p>\n
No it didn’t. It has always been fucked up. <\/p>\n
Always? Are you sure? Even in the 80’s?<\/p>\n
Yes. <\/p>\n
Huh. Well, that explains a lot about my lack of success in attracting men. <\/p>\n
I doubt very much that attracting men has been an issue for you. <\/p>\n
Well…no. Not really. Just keeping them. <\/p>\n
Really? You’re still friends with your first several boyfriends. <\/p>\n
Some of them. The ones who didn’t trample on my heart. <\/p>\n
People seem to like to stay with you. Trample your heart? What are you, 14?<\/p>\n
No, 15. Look who’s talking…<\/p>\n
Pot. Kettle. <\/p>\n
Good night, Mr. Black. Let me know if you need any advice.<\/p>\n
I will read it the minute you start that column.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"