{"id":7617,"date":"2014-09-23T04:45:25","date_gmt":"2014-09-23T11:45:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/michellejolin.com\/wordpress\/?p=7617"},"modified":"2014-09-23T09:53:50","modified_gmt":"2014-09-23T16:53:50","slug":"uncomfortable-about-being-uncomfortable","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=7617","title":{"rendered":"Uncomfortable about being uncomfortable"},"content":{"rendered":"

We wanted to find love
\nWe wanted success
\nUntil nothing was enough
\nUntil my middle name was excess
\n–PJ Harvey\/We Float<\/p>\n

I held a dandelion
\nThat said the time had come
\nTo leave upon the wind
\nNot to return
\nWhen summer burned the earth again
\n–Elton John-Bernie Taupin\/Curtains\n<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

So, I was writing about being uncomfortable<\/a> and it was making me feel more and more uneasy. So I pretty much just bailed on it in the middle. <\/p>\n

I told myself I was sleepy.
\nI told myself I had said what I needed to say.
\nI told myself it was finished. <\/p>\n

I was lying to myself, and that made me even more uneasy.
\nKind of like an itchy scar. <\/p>\n

There are aspects of myself that I do not like, or that other people don’t like. Same as everyone else. In the past I have tried to sort of cross them out. Like I could just take a big fat eraser and rub out any perceived flaws. The trouble is, the things I try to change about myself resist such shabby treatment. They try to leak out in other even less appealing ways. Such as promiscuity, binge eating or other abusive behaviors. <\/p>\n

I am naturally flirtatious and prone to be friends with guys. I do have women friends, but I probably have more men as friends. For the record, I am also naturally prone to be romantically monogamous. One serious boyfriend had big problems with my friendships with men, he was jealous, we fought about it. I quashed it. I had no idea how to not enjoy talking to men. I was pretty. I got a lot of attention from men and I couldn’t figure out what to do with it if I couldn’t be myself. I couldn’t figure out why simply not being myself was making me so unhappy if I was doing it for the “right reasons.” Actually, I didn’t even try to figure it out. I just thought there was something wrong with me if I couldn’t do this one little thing to make someone happy. <\/p>\n

So I started eating. The attention from men diminished as my size got larger.
\nProblem solved. <\/p>\n

Except, I had found a new way to deal with any sort of discomfort. Squash it and eat something. Promiscuity was certainly better for my figure, but apparently in a committed relationship it is frowned upon. Perhaps I can revisit it now that I am about to be single again. <\/p>\n

Anything but dealing with the issue at hand, right?<\/p>\n

Nobody really likes talking about this sort of thing. And nobody likes hearing about it either. Thinking about it sucks, too. <\/p>\n

While I am more and more at ease with most of my quirks, and less and less inclined to change to suit anyone else’s expectations, I still struggle with actually liking myself for who I am. Or feeling like I deserve to be treated the way I want to be. Or rather, feeling like I am crazy for putting up with less while simultaneously feeling like I must be crazy for thinking I deserve better. <\/p>\n

And I am still prone to all kinds of excessive behavior when there is something about myself or someone else that I am having an issue with. Even sometimes when I don’t quite know what it is yet. Like now. <\/p>\n

Or when I might know deep down but not want to admit it. <\/p>\n

It makes me so uncomfortable to think about it that I know I need to.<\/p>\n

If you’re one of the people I vent to, you might want to buckle up. Some of you probably already have…and I am sorry for it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

We wanted to find love We wanted success Until nothing was enough Until my middle name was excess –PJ Harvey\/We Float I held a dandelion That said the time had come To leave upon the wind Not to return When summer burned the earth again –Elton John-Bernie Taupin\/Curtains So, I was writing about being uncomfortable … Continue reading Uncomfortable about being uncomfortable<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7617","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-words"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7lr3R-1YR","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":7715,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=7715","url_meta":{"origin":7617,"position":0},"title":"Writing an overly examined life","author":"Michelle","date":"September 30, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Sometimes I worry about thinking and overthinking. Not sometimes. Frequently. A friend told me not to ever quit reading and writing because he suspects it is what is keeping me sane. Uh sane-ish. My words, not his. The blog, he thinks, is helping me work things out. I worry sometimes\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":7840,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=7840","url_meta":{"origin":7617,"position":1},"title":"Some of us need to chill out and stop being so mean","author":"Michelle","date":"October 9, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"There are times when it is really hard for me to be nice. Sometimes to other people, but mostly to myself. It is an ongoing thing. I think I am doing better, and then suddenly I am not. This is one of the not so good weeks. Today I walked\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":7519,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=7519","url_meta":{"origin":7617,"position":2},"title":"Getting comfortable","author":"Michelle","date":"September 22, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"You might as well get comfortable with yourself, because who you are right now just might be all you will ever be. --Some woman in a TV show I gave you candy, gave you diamonds Gave you pills, I gave you anything you want Hundred dollar bills I even let\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":9710,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=9710","url_meta":{"origin":7617,"position":3},"title":"Trust and risk","author":"Michelle","date":"April 4, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"Trust and riskI guess the point is, there is no trust without risk. If it were EASY\u2026I mean, if it was all a guaranteed walk in the park, if there wasn\u2019t a real risk that someone would cross the line\u2026then it wouldn\u2019t be real trust.--Amanda Palmer\/the Art of AskingIn my\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":7883,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=7883","url_meta":{"origin":7617,"position":4},"title":"And on the seventh day, there was cooking","author":"Michelle","date":"October 13, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Cooking and company today. Ashley arrived from Eugene and moved into the spare bedroom for...eh...who knows. Until she finds a place of her own. Or doesn't and stays. Or whatever. We'll see. Before she got here, there was much cooking. I do this periodically on a Sunday. Cook several different\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":8638,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=8638","url_meta":{"origin":7617,"position":5},"title":"Bad experiences as a catalyst for good","author":"Michelle","date":"December 16, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"and I... I love it when you read to me. And you... You can read me anything. --The Magnetic Fields\/The Book of Love \u201cNot only are there no happy endings,\" she told him, \"there aren't even any endings.\u201d --Neil Gaiman\/American Gods In an imaginary conversation the other day, I mentioned\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7617","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=7617"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7617\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=7617"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=7617"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=7617"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}