{"id":7901,"date":"2014-10-23T05:30:52","date_gmt":"2014-10-23T12:30:52","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/michellejolin.com\/wordpress\/?p=7901"},"modified":"2014-10-23T04:01:20","modified_gmt":"2014-10-23T11:01:20","slug":"on-not-ever-being-quite-enough","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=7901","title":{"rendered":"On being of two minds"},"content":{"rendered":"

Look at the sky: that is for you. Look at each person\u2019s face as you pass on the street: those faces are for you. And the street itself, and the ground under the street and the ball of fire underneath the ground: all these things are for you. They are as much for you as they are for other people. Remember this when you wake up in the morning and think you have nothing. Stand up and face the east. Now praise the sky and praise the light within each person under the sky. It\u2019s okay to be unsure. But praise, praise, praise.
\n–Miranda July\/No One Belongs Here More Than You<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Sometimes I still struggle with feeling..ignored? Uninteresting? Forgettable? Unloveable? Undesirable? I don’t know what, exactly. Not “something” enough or is it actually that I am too “something?”<\/p>\n

Inadequate, but for…what or for whom? For myself, I guess. Other people tell me I rock. I believe many of them. I have trust issues with others. I want to think that it’s all in my head. I do. But I don’t. Not entirely. There is a shadow of doubt and it makes me want to wave a white flag. <\/p>\n

I surrender. <\/p>\n

My head knows certain things.
\nKnows them.
\nIs sure of them.
\nBut really? On the inside? In my heart or gut or soul or wherever that deep core Knowing happens? Not buying it. My insides think I am fooling everyone. <\/p>\n

This is how I can simultaneously know that I am smart, funny, mostly kind, mostly fun to hang out with and not bad to look at while also believing that I am an ugly, useless freak and total dumb ass. <\/p>\n

I genuinely believe both things about myself. Yes, it is crowded inside my head. I bet a lot of other people also feel like this. Actually, I know they do. I talk to them. <\/p>\n

It’s funny, because in fat camp, one of the counsellors claimed that most people are well adjusted. Who are these people? I don’t know them. The people I know all have pretty significant coping deficits in at least one major way. They drink too much. They eat too much. They smoke too much. They work too much. They dress their dogs in costumes. Something. <\/p>\n

The few people I know who seem like their shit is together? <\/p>\n

I bet they have something like that up their sleeves too, or maybe a needle in their arm. <\/p>\n

Or do I just want to believe that everyone is fucked up because I am so often?<\/p>\n

I wear my maladjustment on the outside where everyone can see. I drown my feelings in food, and I typically have a drink in my hand to drown whatever feelings that might survive the overeating. Unless I am home alone. I don’t like to drink alone-there are limits to my dysfunction . <\/p>\n

I put every thought that crosses my mind on the Internet. I like to think it helps me figure it all out. If it doesn’t then I hope someone was a little more entertained than they might have been otherwise. It could just be a waste of time. At least it is a waste of time that stretches my brain. <\/p>\n

It keeps me from watching television. That’s got to be a positive, right?<\/p>\n

I kind of wish I had some sort of point right about now. This would be a great spot for it….<\/p>\n

This probably seems gloomy. It isn’t. Not really. I’ve had both an inferiority and superiority complex simultaneously for pretty much my whole life. For the most part, I just laugh at myself. I can’t really take this all too seriously. It’s too silly. <\/p>\n

The other night I was driving home from work and the song “Creep” came on. That is my song. One of them. I totally identify with it. Creep. Weirdo. What the hell am I doing here. I don’t belong here. All of it. Every word. <\/p>\n

And it makes me happy every fucking time I hear it. I sing along, and it makes me smile. <\/p>\n

Being a creep and a weirdo suits me, I guess.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Look at the sky: that is for you. Look at each person\u2019s face as you pass on the street: those faces are for you. And the street itself, and the ground under the street and the ball of fire underneath the ground: all these things are for you. They are as much for you as … Continue reading On being of two minds<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7901","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-words"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7lr3R-23r","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":11266,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=11266","url_meta":{"origin":7901,"position":0},"title":"Spring? Yes, please","author":"Michelle","date":"March 13, 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"It's amazing how much better a person feels just getting out into warmer, dryer air. The daffodils are out. Pink blossoms are popping out on trees. Green shoots are popping out of the ground. The infinite shades of new green are everywhere, and the blue sky has never been more\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Random thoughts"","block_context":{"text":"Random thoughts","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=20"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":3649,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=3649","url_meta":{"origin":7901,"position":1},"title":"The upside to early travel","author":"Michelle","date":"January 26, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Sunrise from the air, with the golden, peachy light behind Mt. Hood. Then the sun coming through the pink horizon to turn the sky blue. It's a sort of poem to the quotidian, seeing it from a different angle. Above the snowy lakes. Shining on my face glued to the\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":10812,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=10812","url_meta":{"origin":7901,"position":2},"title":"Sweet dreams are not made of this…","author":"Michelle","date":"March 22, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"The other night I dreamt that I was at a party with my friend Andi at her late friend Kathy's house. Kathy was living\u00a0in an enormous, gorgeous tree house. Although there was a loud party going on and the tree house was full of people, she kept telling us that\u2026","rel":"","context":"Similar post","block_context":{"text":"Similar post","link":""},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":11031,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=11031","url_meta":{"origin":7901,"position":3},"title":"An imaginary conversation about skeleton dogs","author":"Michelle","date":"November 29, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"You'll never believe what I saw on my way home from work today! What? A monster skeleton dog! A monster skeleton dog? Yeah! In the sky! In the sky. Yes. Um. It was a cloud! Ahhhh. What? Another person might have lead with that. What, that it was a cloud?\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Imaginary Conversation"","block_context":{"text":"Imaginary Conversation","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=18"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":9434,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=9434","url_meta":{"origin":7901,"position":4},"title":"Nothing. I’ve got nothing","author":"Michelle","date":"March 2, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"Bad, bad headache yesterday. I went for a long walk hoping that getting out into the beautiful day would chase it. It didn't. Came home and tried to think some relaxation into my head and neck. It got worse. It wasn't a migraine, \u00a0so I didn't have anything to really\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":5788,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=5788","url_meta":{"origin":7901,"position":5},"title":"Mara, Cara and Samael go to Burning Man","author":"Michelle","date":"May 16, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Mara and Cara are kicking their feet up on the porch swing at Mara's house, drinking tequila and grapefruit juice and watching Samael split firewood with a certain amount of justifiable admiration. \"He's awfully good at all of the boy work,\" said Mara, \"and he doesn't even sweat. I bet\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7901","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=7901"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7901\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=7901"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=7901"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=7901"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}