{"id":8942,"date":"2015-01-05T05:00:05","date_gmt":"2015-01-05T13:00:05","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/michellejolin.com\/wordpress\/?p=8942"},"modified":"2015-01-04T20:43:27","modified_gmt":"2015-01-05T04:43:27","slug":"getting-over-being-an-emotional-fraidy-cat","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=8942","title":{"rendered":"Getting over being an emotional fraidy cat"},"content":{"rendered":"

While looking for a specific thing I wrote in a blog a while back, I came across this post about change and moving forward.<\/a> There have been several before this one and since. It’s been sort of my theme for the last couple of years, I suppose.<\/p>\n

Because I was stuck.<\/p>\n

Oh, I was happy enough. Comfortably numb might be a better description. I wasn’t feeling a lot, and hadn’t for a very long time. I didn’t really know how shut down I was.<\/p>\n

I remember the specific moment it came to me that I was (for the lack of a less melodramatic term) dying on the inside. It was Summer. I was out on the patio reading, messaging intermittently with a friend, and listening to music. This lyric from an Aimee Mann song jumped out at me and knocked me on my metaphorical ass:<\/p>\n

So here I’m sitting in my car at the same old stop light.
\nI keep waiting for a change, but I don’t know what.
\nSo red turns into green, turning into yellow.
\nBut I’m just frozen here on the same old spot.
\nAnd all I have to do is press the pedal.
\nBut I’m not.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

There had been a lot of thinking about change for quite a while before this, but for some reason, this was the moment where it really went from just thought into realizing I needed to do something about it. It’s when I knew that if I didn’t do something soon, I was going to lose everything about myself. Everything that made me who I am was slipping away, and I was just letting it happen.<\/p>\n

I didn’t even know there was anything wrong, but I had been an emotional fraidy cat my whole life. Hiding from myself and everyone else. Never feeling good enough for anything or anybody. <\/p>\n

After a lot of thinking and counseling and thinking some more, I stepped on the pedal. Or maybe it was really off the edge. That was over 7 months ago. I wasn’t sure where I was going, and I am still not, but I knew I couldn’t stay where I was any more. <\/p>\n

Where am I?<\/p>\n

Here.
\nNow. <\/p>\n

Learning to sing again.
\nLearning to be honest on the inside again.
\nLearning to trust everyone as a default.
\nFiguring things out.
\nHow I want to live, what sort of people I want to have in my life.
\nTeaching myself to talk to strangers.
\nLearning not to be afraid of people, including myself.
\nLearning that doing things I am uncomfortable with is good for me.
\nFiguring out what I want and what I don’t.
\nDoing things just because they scare me.
\nTeaching myself to ask for what I want.
\nLearning to reach out to people.
\nDoing things I have never done before.
\nTaking steps to become my self again.
\nWhoever that is. <\/p>\n

Financially, it has been challenging. I have no back up now, and that scares me. I will deal with it. I don’t have a choice. <\/p>\n

Emotionally, it has been painful. Before I would have avoided the pain. Now I am learning to feel it, deal with it and move through it. It hasn’t been an easy process, but I wouldn’t change it.<\/p>\n

I am looking forward to seeing where the road leads. <\/p>\n

Wherever it goes, I will be happy. I will have family and friends who I love. Who love me back. <\/p>\n

I won’t ever arrive at a destination, and that’s fine because I’ve learned there isn’t one. It’s all about the road. <\/p>\n

Forward.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

While looking for a specific thing I wrote in a blog a while back, I came across this post about change and moving forward. There have been several before this one and since. It’s been sort of my theme for the last couple of years, I suppose. Because I was stuck. Oh, I was happy … Continue reading Getting over being an emotional fraidy cat<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":8959,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-8942","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-words"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/michellejolin.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/01\/IMG_2470-0.jpg?fit=341%2C391&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7lr3R-2ke","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":8788,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=8788","url_meta":{"origin":8942,"position":0},"title":"Resolutions? 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It seems to be sort of a near-Gospel \"truth\" that we can\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":8638,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=8638","url_meta":{"origin":8942,"position":3},"title":"Bad experiences as a catalyst for good","author":"Michelle","date":"December 16, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"and I... I love it when you read to me. And you... You can read me anything. --The Magnetic Fields\/The Book of Love \u201cNot only are there no happy endings,\" she told him, \"there aren't even any endings.\u201d --Neil Gaiman\/American Gods In an imaginary conversation the other day, I mentioned\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":3548,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=3548","url_meta":{"origin":8942,"position":4},"title":"There is no spoon. I mean there is no true or false.","author":"Michelle","date":"January 20, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Time to change has come and gone Watched your fears become your god It's your decision, it's your decision --Alice In Chains\/Your Decision Recently I was having a discussion with someone who doesn't know me well. 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