{"id":9751,"date":"2015-04-19T09:55:43","date_gmt":"2015-04-19T16:55:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/michellejolin.com\/wordpress\/?p=9751"},"modified":"2015-04-19T10:19:33","modified_gmt":"2015-04-19T17:19:33","slug":"the-evolution-of-kink","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=9751","title":{"rendered":"The evolution of sexuality and self awareness"},"content":{"rendered":"

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.
–ee cummings<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

<\/p>\n

I was sexually precocious, I think. I suppose all children are, before they get corrected out of it. I don’t remember a time where I didn’t masturbate. There was the infamous episode in which I got caught doing it in nursery school, not that I knew that is what it was. Or what sex was, for that matter.  As a small child, I was involved in a lot of sexual play with other neighborhood kids. Older kids, usually. I suppose these days it would be considered abuse. I don’t think it was. I think we were all figuring things out. <\/p>\n

 I was smart enough to figure out that it wasn’t something that people talked about. I was smart enough to figure out that it was something most people would not approve of. Something I should probably be ashamed of. Was I actually ashamed though?  Not deep down. I was ashamed that I *wasn’t* ashamed sometimes. <\/p>\n

As I got older, I eventually figured out what sex was. I also figured out that I don’t have entirely middle of the road responses to sexual arousal. For one thing, I was never shy about being seen. I was shy about talking to a boy, but letting one stick his hands up my skirt or unbutton my blouse on the front lawn in the middle of the day? No qualms at all. It’s not that I wanted to be seen, or that the idea of being seen was arousing–it’s just that once I got going, I didn’t care. <\/span> <\/p>\n

 Sex was always a big part of who I was, although I really don’t think I realized it until I was much older. <\/span><\/p>\n

I think as a child and young teenager, my sexuality was a lot healthier than it was after I started sort of letting it be impacted by what was done to me. <\/span> Once life and love started to inflict the inevitable heartbreak, it became something to hide behind. Sometimes a weapon. Something to keep me from feeling any emotions. A sort of emotional numbing agent. But you can’t just turn off one part of yourself without it impacting everything else. Eventually, I shut down my sexuality as well. <\/span> <\/p>\n

 In the last few years, peeling back layers of buried hurt, hate, distrust, I had to start feeling again. Everything.  <\/span><\/p>\n

Talking to one of my friends about how much I had shut down, she said she couldn’t imagine it. That I was the most sexual person she knew. And I was. I am. You have to give up a lot to get to that level of numb.<\/span> <\/p>\n

 Not that I did it entirely consciously. I just wanted to be…different.  Better. Normal. I didn’t want to feel the things that were painful anymore, but I didn’t know how to go about letting go of them.  <\/span><\/p>\n

I’ve talked about the ways that impacted me. Impacted the people in my life. It was really unfair to them. It was unfair to me. I paid with my body and mind. I paid driving through 300 acres of lonely<\/a>. I paid being no one for a long time. I paid with 80 extra pounds. <\/span><\/p>\n

It was perhaps the only thing in my life I have ever been truly consistent about over a period of decades. I am a dilettante about everything else in comparison. Shutting down my true self and reading. <\/span><\/p>\n

It seems so obviously ill advised in retrospect. It seems like I’d have picked up some pointers in the thousands of books I was reading.<\/span><\/p>\n

But no.<\/span> <\/p>\n

 So what happens when you peel the layers back?<\/span><\/p>\n

It’s not much fun, really. You still have to deal with all of the shit that you didn’t deal with before. And feel all the stuff you got around over decades. I get why people don’t want to do it, I really do. It’s overwhelming sometimes. A lot of the time. It doesn’t make you a lot of fun to be around. Well, maybe YOU would be fun to be around, but I don’t think I have been a lot of the time. <\/span> <\/p>\n

 It was a lot like what happens when you shake up a can of pop and then pull that tab off. Messy. Explosive.<\/span><\/p>\n

I try to let it settle a little, and pull the tab back slowly. Decompress. There isn’t as much pressure now.<\/span> <\/p>\n

But my emotional regulator is still a little off. I still find myself occasionally sitting in bed crying in the middle of the night for no apparent reason. Or flipping out because I don’t hear from someone for a few days. It is getting better. I’m learning to feel what I feel and deal with it without so many worried messages to people in the middle of the night when everything seems so bleak. I think<\/i> all of my usual middle of the night messaging victims would agree.<\/span> <\/p>\n

There are still a lot of times when I kick my own ass a little harder than I really need to.  Or I’ll what-if myself about something I can’t possibly know instead of waiting to find out or just asking a simple question. It’s better. <\/span><\/p>\n

I’ll never be perfect, thankfully. No one likes perfect. <\/span><\/p>\n

I’ll talk to friends or write it out instead of just withdrawing quietly.<\/span> <\/p>\n

So what?  This isn’t news. Everybody knows this shit.  Most of us work this out in our twenties.<\/span><\/p>\n

Well, that’s fair enough. I didn’t. <\/span><\/p>\n

I am really smart in a lot of ways, but I was socially and emotionally delayed. Just not bad enough that it looked like I had a problem to most people. I would have said I knew myself very well, but I didn’t have a clue.   You can’t be true to yourself if you don’t even know who the fuck you are!<\/span><\/p>\n

 Hey, I figured it out eventually.<\/span><\/p>\n

At least, I’m trying to.<\/span> <\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Right now, though, there is a sunny spot on the patio with my name on it. <\/span><\/p>\n

I think there might be a book that wants to be read or something.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/span><\/p>\n

That’s my job today.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.–ee cummings I was sexually precocious, I think. I suppose all children are, before they get corrected out of it. I don’t remember a time where I didn’t masturbate. There was the infamous episode in which I got caught doing it in nursery school, … Continue reading The evolution of sexuality and self awareness<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-9751","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-words"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p7lr3R-2xh","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":6393,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=6393","url_meta":{"origin":9751,"position":0},"title":"Insert token here","author":"Michelle","date":"February 13, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"Ever feel like a token? 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Spago sulla mia valigia non ce n'era, solo un p\u00f2 d'amore la teneva insieme, solo un p\u00f2 di rancore la teneva insieme. --Francesco De Gregori\/Pablo*** And the fact is I had fun, fumbling around All the advice I shunned, and\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Words"","block_context":{"text":"Words","link":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?cat=7"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":8173,"url":"https:\/\/michellejolin.com\/?p=8173","url_meta":{"origin":9751,"position":5},"title":"An imaginary conversation about giving up","author":"Michelle","date":"November 10, 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"You know, I am usually pretty stubborn. I've noticed. This might be a good time for me to give up though. Really? Really. Why? I am tired. You should be. I am. So you said. You don't seem very surprised. I'm not... But? 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