Online dating, the minus side

So there is fair coverage, here is a look at some of the things about online dating that are not so great.

It can be sleazy. With the right person, I have an extremely high tolerance for filth and perversion. But. But. Not if it is some random guy I have never met who messages me out of the blue while I am drinking my coffee in the morning. No. I don’t want to see your dick right now. Thanks. Put it away.

Many, many people on the online dating sites are utterly clueless. This is no different than real life. If you walk up to me in a bar and say “hi, Pretty, wanna chat” then you are not going to get anywhere. For one thing, introduce yourself. Use real words.

The profile pictures. Ugh. We have cell phones and digital cameras. Why are so many of the pictures so terrible? Or just plain weird. One guy appears to be wearing a washcloth and nothing else. Another is in something like a sumo thong. Scary stuff.

It can be overwhelming. You have to figure out who is even interesting. Interact with them. Arrange to meet up with them. Keep track of who you have talked to. Try to remember which profile goes with which person.

Mostly it’s fun, but there are a lot of first and second dates that don’t go anywhere. Or go too far. You think a date went really well, but then silence. You think one was awkward and boring and they love you. Sometimes it seems like a bit of a no win, but I’ve had 5 dates in 2-3 weeks that I definitely would not have had otherwise. None of them were disasters, in fact I liked all 3 of the guys. One seems like more friend material, the other has disappeared and I don’t know about the 3rd just yet.

A guy messaged me tonight who lives in Tennessee. He’s looking for a liberal atheist woman to help him take care of his ducks and goats and help him deal with all of the conservative religious people in the rural area. He lives in. They have bourbon there…I like bourbon…and ducks.

So, the downsides are so bad.

As a fallback, I can always move to Tennessee. Or Canada. I also got invited to move to Victoria BC.

Bourbon or Poutine? Which do I love more?

Books? Yes, please. Here’s one you haven’t read: “This Day,” by T. Beautement

Preamble: the author is, sort of a little bit kind of a relative. Around the edges. By marriage. Still, it’s not as if we actually know each other. Really.
Anyway, Tiah is a writer. Her latest book, published by Modjaji Books in Cape Town, is called “This Day.” If she or her publisher had furnished me a copy of it for review, I’d have to confess it. Since I bought the book myself, I can say whatever I please. Good. Bad. Mediocre. Anything.

I’m sure the very idea of me saying anything that comes to mind is terrifying to some of you.

Here is the problem, though. I am not someone who reviews books. I don’t even really talk about them properly in person.

“This Day” is a story about a day in the life of a woman dealing with the aftermath of the death of her child. It is the story of grief and how Ella gets through through just one day.

Ella’s husband husband has been thrown into a major depression by their son’s death, and has stopped working or caring for himself or her. Her mother-in-law, who was caring for the child when he died, has also died from the side effects of grief. Ella is struggling to deal with her own grief about her son’s death while caring for her clinically depressed husband.

It isn’t a cheerful, feel good book. What Tiah does amazingly well is to make you feel Ella’s grief over her loss and her anger and frustration at her husband’s depression and the impact it is having on their lives and relationship. Ella feels very real. She is not always likable, but you can understand and feel everything she does. The book doesn’t spare us from the very genuine portrayal of how frustrating it is to deal with someone who isn’t able to care for himself even though there is nothing physically wrong.

Tiah writes emotion, and the physical effects of emotion very well. You can feel how tight Ella’s muscles must be. How hard she is working just to keep herself moving. How keeping her emotions inside of her is damaging her. How she keeps trying to just make it through each moment. Unlike her husband, she doesn’t have the luxury of surrendering to her grief. She is emotionally hard on herself for feeling the way she does.

The day goes by, we feel Ella struggle with pain, memory, loss, anger. We feel her struggle to hold on to the things that make her who she is, trying to deal with who she was before all of the loss and who she might become. We see there is no easy fix. No one is going to wake up suddenly better.

It’s not an easy book, but it is a beautiful one.

Tiah’s Amazon page is here for those who would like to pick up a copy. I would definitely recommend it!

An imaginary conversation about first kisses

My number one favorite thing to do is kissing.

You mean sexually?

No, all around.

Huh. Yeah, I guess I would rank it pretty high myself.

You have to have priorities.

That is why I negotiated it into a date.

What? Isn’t kissing traditional in dating anyway?

No, no. I mean yes. This is a first date though. Usually the kissing doesn’t come until the end. If at all. That’s silly.

Silly? Why? Then you have something to look forward to.

And I do love a good tease.

Tell me more about that…

No.

Just a little?

Maybe later.

So. Kissing.

Right.

How does one go about negotiating a kiss?

Well, I said I would buy drinks. He said if things went well, he’d buy me dinner.

Isn’t that a risky move?

It seemed a little demotivational to me. I mean, I am incentivizing date failure. It would benefit him financially to dislike me.

Good point. Are you going to renegotiate the deal?

I don’t think I will have to. I added a kissing clause.

What does it cover?

It is essentially a guarantee.

How do you guarantee a kiss?

Well you can’t really. There are too many completely subjective elements. I mean, you can really like someone’s pictures and the way they should on the phone, right?

Right.

But until you get pretty close to them, you don’t really know if you’ll feel that spark.

Also right.

And even then, until you kiss…

You just don’t know until it happens or doesn’t.

Right. Whatever “it” is. That is why I put in the clause. We kiss before we go into the bar. A serious kiss.

Bold. You kiss someone you have never met?

Yes.

And what if it’s a disaster?

Then all bets are off. No drinks. No dinner. No nothing. Even if only one of us is dissatisfied.

Interesting. And if the kiss is amazing?

Then we proceed with drinks, and then probably to dinner. I figure we already know we have things to talk about. If the kissing goes well, that pretty much is a lock for making it through to dinner. Unless he fakes it.

That’s either total genius or the most asinine thing I have ever heard.

Right?

Where are you meeting?

You can’t be there.

Oh, c’mon!

No way. I do not need a heckler.

More of a protector and admirer.

Admirer? Not really.

Protector and friend.

Two very good things. And still no.

Be careful.

It’s just a kiss.

No such thing.

Also true. It’ll be a new experience.

Just what you need.

New experiences are good for me.
I hope it goes well. I haven’t been to Paley’s for a long time.

Fancy!

More importantly, if we make it to dinner that means the kissing passed the test. And there could theoretically be even more of it.

Like on a second date?

Stranger things have happened. It’d be a new record.

Let me know when you get home.

Thanks for worrying about me!

Any time.