Author: Michelle

Sometimes I have trouble letting go of things, so I am practicing with stuff like old travel guides and technical literature. Since I am offloading a bunch of old books, I’ve been going through them one by one. I keep turning up all sorts of things tucked inside and in between the stacks. Lots of cards that people have given me over the years. Photographs.

Like a archeological dig, there are many levels.

There’s the pictures in books level. I tend to dog-ear book corners instead of using a bookmarker, but when I do use a bookmarker it is generally not a standard one. That turned up a couple of surprises from my trip to Italy a million years ago. Some pictures of my dog Pupatee. A lot of postcards.

On the card level, I found a ton of old Christmas cards. It is hard to throw away those photo cards! I have also found several cards I completely understand saving.

This one, from my friend Robin:

Actually, a lot of them are from Robin.

This one, too, and if it doesn’t get me right on the express to Hell I don’t know what would:

Then there’s the book level itself: I have three copies of “Le Petit Prince,” including one stamped with the name of my High School. What’s the statute of limitations on unintentional theft? I assume it was unintentional. It WAS. I was a lot of things in High School. A thief is not one of them.

I was intending to give up my Dad’s old set of Child Craft books, but when I leafed through them, I saw the Daniel Boone story that was one of my earliest reading memories and I just couldn’t. I put them all back on the shelf. That is a lot of shelf space. I may have to revisit that.

The 10 year old technical books and decades worth of travel guides are gone. Anything that I don’t intend to read again. Gone. Anything I might read again that is available in the public domain in an e-book. Gone. I have gone from 8 shelves packed double rowed, to 3 shelves that are only part full. It feels good. Lonely though.

Books have been my lifelong friends. I hate to see them leave.

Every new beginning comes from some other new beginning’s end…
–Closing Time/Semisonic

There are some changes, big ones, going on in my life right now. The kind that are scary, difficult, and hurt people. Hopefully with better lives as a result.

It’s generating a lot of supportive messages from
people who love me. I’m not so sure I really deserve it, but I am immensely grateful for the messages and the people sending them all the same. I don’t know how many times I have said it this week, but I am going to say it again:

I know the best people.

That’s easy enough to say, I guess, but the thing is I haven’t always been able to see it. For one thing, for a long time I didn’t think it was true. Oh, I knew I had a great family, and there have always been a handful of people I trust absolutely, but I was suspicious of almost everyone else.

It’s very hard to make friends when you’re both introverted and suspicious. When you assume the worst, that is all that you see.

Not so much because people are doing so much sketchy shit (hint: they are) but because it’s what you’re focused on. All of the really great stuff passes by unnoticed because you’re fixated on the crap.

People who know me at all well are raising eyebrows at this, since I am prone to cynicism and doubt. I always will be. I am never going to look at things with an eye completely free of skepticism. What I am trying to do is notice how much more good there is than bad. Instead of trying to catch people doing bad shit, I’m trying to catch them being nice.

It’s not like I will ever be Pollyanna, let’s be realistic, but I can try to see whatever good there might be. Sometimes, it is harder than others. There are people who challenge my efforts. Some people hide their positive traits pretty deep.

So here’s the other thing I have been saying a lot:
I am so lucky.

That is also something that depends on how you interpret things. It also can mean different things. It can mean that you think you didn’t really earn something. It can mean that you think that things turn out well, better than expected. It can mean that things could easily have been worse. It can mean you win when you gamble.

I’ve been lucky enough to go to France even though I had no money, to not burn anything but my arm when I set myself on fire, not to get shot by an armed robber, not to have been born in a place where a woman’s life holds no value. It goes from the mundane to the ethereal, and it’s an essentially infinite list. Although I am relatively pessimistic, I also believe pretty firmly that although some awful things will happen to me throughout my life (see fire and robbery above) I will get through them all and that none of them will be as bad as they could have been (not dead or horribly maimed).

Some types of things require action to determine the luckiness of the outcome. If you don’t ever look for a job, you won’t ever be lucky enough to find a great one. Or at least, the odds are diminished.

If I never create a piece of art, I will never be lucky enough to sell one.

Not sure what my point is today, except that in spite of all of the changes I am putting my family through right now, I am still grateful for everything and everybody I have in my life.

Everything will be not only fine, but good. Better.
How do I know that?

Because I am lucky.