Author: Michelle

This is gonna sound a little obsessive
This is gonna sound a little bit strange
–Everclear/Unemployed Boyfriend

So, I keep scribbling away.

It’s getting worse and worse.

I’m scribbling at work

In my car.

In bed.

In the bathroom.

In the morning before work.

In the middle of the night.

At my desk.

Watching TV.

When I’m out with friends with friends of family. It’s a good thing that I have indulgent friends and family.

Is it good that I’m so writing obsessed?
Usually my obsessive hobbies don’t last this long. It’s been 7 months. That could indicate that the scribbling has become a habit. Like coffee. I get just about that irritable if I can’t scribble when I want to.

It hasn’t been good for the other things I enjoy. Every other hobby has sort of gotten a big kick out the door.

If only I could get the scribbling focused into…something.

That would be cool.

I probably want to give some thought to what “something” might be. It’ll give me something to daydream about. Like I really need any additional help in that area.

On the other hand, I read a really interesting article on HuffPo that talked about some weird quirks that creative people have. Things they tend to do that, uh, other people don’t.

Daydreaming is one of them.

Perhaps if I actually create something, I can justify the staring out the window imagining what the squirrel would say to me if he could talk. Which brings back memories of Italian class, when I got caught staring out the window and answered honestly that I hadn’t heard the question because I was wondering what squirrels think about instead of paying attention.

Is that what “honest to a fault” means?
Probably not.

You can have your way again
Yeah you believe
What you want to believe

You can walk all over me tomorrow
But tonight
Can’t we both just pretend to sleep?
–Everclear/Thrift Store Chair

Everclear has a way with songs about adult issues. Proof, I guess, that you can be a grown up, with grown up issues like child support and divorce, and still rock out. I’ll bet Art Alexakis has taken a ride or two on the tequila train. For me he’s sort of the modern day troubadour of real life shit. It’s not all “ooh baby, I love you” with Everclear. Their songs are about fucked up lives, redemption, and doing it all again. Welfare offices, unemployment, finding and losing love.

We’ve all been there. Tired of the person we’re with, or a job we hate. Tired of fighting or not talking or just not getting along. So tired you just want to pretend it’s kind of OK and sometimes you do it by pretending to be asleep.

Tired of feeling like an “almost was.”

We all have people we know damn well we should let go of. They’re abusive, or a bad influence or maybe we aren’t good for them. Maybe it’s just too one sided. Or maybe it’s a job we hate, Or that we feel stuck in because of family responsibilities. It could be anything.

There’s some upside to it, or you would let go. Great sex? Someone who looks at you like there is nothing more beautiful in the world?Laughter? A great paycheck? Flashes of understanding? Is it worth the downside of feeling ignored or debased or not good enough that you are also getting? Or are you only feeling the way you feel because you are irrational or have no appreciable self-esteem? Oh, it’s hard to be so over-analytical and self-absorbed.

Then what?
What do you do when you’re having an Everclear moment?

We’re all too old to solve them by drinking Everclear, although sometimes I try to use tequila or Fireball.

What do I do?
Daydream. Obsess. Listen to music. Read. Listen to music. Write. Read. Knit. Talk to friends. Listen to music. Watch bad TV. Eat popcorn. Ride the tequila train. Go for a walk. Listen to music. Sing. Daydream. Talk to friends. More tequila. More popcorn. More writing.

Remind myself that now is all there really is.
Rinse.
Repeat.

And forever more, I’ll be on your side for sure –
A light in your life, that always burns for you
As time passes…. so quickly.
–Paul Weller/Time Passes

It’s the beginning of March. I am looking at my calendar.

I’m getting my hair done next week. And a tattoo. Wow the month will be practically half over by then. I wonder if my ink will be done by April?

Then we’re going to the symphony and ballet in April. Then it’s time for the Spring game. It’ll be almost Summer, and then I have to put the Gummi bears on for Football. Then it’s practically my birthday and Xmas and the year will be over already!

I’m practically about to turn 60, and then I’ll be retired. In another minute I’ll be 80.

This is how time goes. It doesn’t fly, it doesn’t turn like the calendar pages you see in movies–it’s warp speed, and it gets faster all the time. Sometimes I think I like to do nothing not so much out of laziness, but in an attempt to let a touch of boredom slow down time just a little.

But the older I get, the less likely I am to get bored. There are so many things to look at and read and learn and try. How can you be bored? And the more things you do and enjoy, the more you want to try. The more things you try, the more you will enjoy. If you have a lot of things you enjoy, you love your life more and more, which speeds it up even more. It’s a conspiracy of happiness to make your life speed by so quickly that you barely have time to notice it.

But do.

Notice everything.

Notice that even though the ice killed the leaves on your Daphne, it’s still going to bloom. Notice how pretty the curled up red leaves are agains the blue sky when you get in your car at the end of the day and look up and smile. Notice when people smile at you when they think you aren’t looking. Notice each moment. Be there for it.

Make each moment it’s own infinity.

Each moment of now is all you have.