People.
You can never change the way they feel
Better let them do just what they will
For they will
If you let them
Steal your heart from you.
–George Michael/Kissing A Fool
Sometimes the way people feel does change, sometimes even because of something you do…but it isn’t something you can plan on. Even if you change the way someone feels, they’ll still be the same person. It’s very hard, if not impossible, to change a person. You might change their mind about something, you might even convince them to change a behavior, but change them? No. Not usually. Not unless they want to change anyway.
It’s a life lesson that a lot of people have trouble learning: you have to love someone the way they are. People are not selected off of an à la carte menu. They are more like a prix fixe menu. There are going to be things you don’t like about people. It is inevitable. Maybe even important things. You probably won’t be able to change them. If that thing is something that you can’t live with, then don’t be with that person. Sometimes that’s a really difficult decision to make if they are wonderful in most ways.
You have to decide what things are important to you.
It’s yet another one of those sucky questions of balance.
I’m always surprised at how selective some people are. There are a lot of people who have no tolerance of flaws in other people. Not even for little flaws. Dressing badly. Having bad hair, or thinning hair. Being short, or a little fat. Anything in someone’s past that might be interpreted as “baggage” from children to past spouses. Those people are often single.
We all probably have a list in our head of what makes a perfect partner for us. For me, the fundamentals are brains, humor, a love of music and books, creativity, kindness, a bit of quirkiness, and a way to make a decent living. In a perfect world? He’d also look like Johnny Depp, be from Northern Italy, love to cook, have no children, be the world’s greatest kisser, and be a fabulously wealthy musician or writer.
Hint: you just don’t get to have perfect. You have to compromise on some things. I won’t compromise on the fundamentals. Looks? Sure to a certain extent. If I’m honest, I have never been with someone who is ugly, so looks are a little bit important, but within a pretty wide range. Normal looking. I’ve been with guys who are shorter than I am, and guys who are much taller than I am. Amazing looking or average looking. Balding guys. Heavy guys. From pasty white to ebony skin. I don’t understand people who have one specific look they go for. They guy who will only date tall, thin blondes with big boobs. The woman who will only date someone 6’1″ or over and has a full head of hair and a late model car. Usually, these people seem unhappy to me, and maybe it’s because they’ve given up too much brains and personality in order to get tall and thin. Maybe not. Maybe brains and personality aren’t important to them. They are probably just as puzzled at my incomprehensible jabber about books and song lyrics when I could be going to the gym or getting my breasts enlarged.
Jane Austen very wisely put it like this:
One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other
It’s true, I really don’t understand. I think I’ll go and have liposuction in the interest of understanding other people better. Not for my own selfish aesthetic reasons. To further Understanding.
Nah. I’ve got too much reading to do.
The pretty plastic people can have each other. I’ll be over here with the smart boys with the thinning hair who make me laugh and think.