Author: Michelle

Anyway the wind blows
–Queen/Bohemian Rhapsody

I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
–U2/

That’s always been the way I’ve lived my life. Not so much with a plan. Not so much with a desired direction. Not so much with even a clue of what I really wanted. Just going whichever way the wind, or whatever it is that stands for the wind in a life, took me.

Get married? Sure, if there’s a breeze blowing that way. Every 19 year old should be married. I don’t have any other plans. Why not?
Move to Europe? That could be fun. You can totally justify that so it SOUNDS like it makes sense, especially when a professor suggests it and you’re studying 4 or 5 languages already.

Piercing? Tattoo? Server administration or drawing class? New job? Whatever. Go ahead and do it. It’ll be fine.

Things have a way of popping up, and I shrug and do them. What makes that a little unusual, I think, is that I give it all the same amount of non-thought. Considering how much I think about a lot of random shit that really doesn’t matter, I think it’s a little weird that my life seems to just happen without the same level of angst that I apply to things like what books to take on vacation.

I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.
It just is what it is.
It seems to have worked out for me.

The one thing that has always been a priority is time. In any decision about work, more than money I’ve looked at how it impacts time. I’ve never wanted to make a ton of money. In the balance of time vs money, time always wins. I turned down a job once that was essentially written for everything I know–computers, foreign language and software. It was a slight pay increase, but I’d have lost 5 weeks of time off a year. They wouldn’t budge on that, and had already gone way outside of their pay scale to tempt me, and I didn’t take the job. More recently, I made a lateral move pay-wise which got me out of being on call after hours and into supporting a new application. Less prestigious, more time. Time won.

For someone who is as introspective as I am, it does baffle me a bit that I don’t have more of a directed approach to living life. Introspection is great and all, but maybe all of that thought should have some sort of point. Sort of like writing. Uh. Right. I just said that I am pointless. And I am. In pretty much all of the ways you can be. Certainly physically I’m too rounded to have any points left. Except my barbed tongue. My tongue, I am told, has a tendency to be quite pointed at times.

If it makes anyone feel better who has been the victim of my barbed tongue, generally what I thought just before I said something kind of horrific was usually much worse than what I said. That didn’t make anyone feel a bit better, did it? Well, it wasn’t really intended as an apology. More of an observation.

A boy I had broken up with once came over looking for more of an explanation of what happened. One minute I was happy, the next he was on the virtual curb. He didn’t understand. Rightfully so. I couldn’t even tell him why I’d been with him in the first place, so a reasonable explanation for the breakup was definitely beyond me. He gloomily said “you probably never loved me at all” and what came out of my mouth was “No, I didn’t.” Unkind. What I thought in the nano-second before it came out of my mouth was “I was only with you in the first place because I couldn’t have the person I really wanted. I couldn’t stand pretending I cared about you for one more minute.” More unkind, and thankfully unsaid.

This is one of the main reasons that I just didn’t talk much at all for so long. Talking without shredding someone’s feelings can be a bit of a challenge for me. I’m not naturally unkind, but when you have a lot of unsaid stuff stacking up inside you, it does tend to escape like a raging beast. Maybe that’s why I try so hard to actually use words now. If I let them out on a more regular basis, they tend to be a little milder. Maybe? I hope?

Which really has nothing to do with what I started writing about.
Stupid words.
Always leading me astray.

Or…can I be led astray if I don’t have a direction in the first place?
Hmmm….

So…that’s kind of a lot of words.

Definitely a lot more words than I ever expected to write.

When I started up a blog, I didn’t really have a goal in mind. I think it’s probably fairly obvious that I still don’t. Like you haven’t figured that out about me. What I expected was that I’d struggle to figure out what to write about, but go like crazy for a month or two, get bored, and quit. That’s usually what happens when I do something new. I get all hyper-focused for a very short time and then flame out.

That hasn’t happened yet, and I have no idea why.

I have surprised myself, and in more ways than just the perseverance:
How much very personal crap I am willing to talk about publicly.
How little angst that causes me.
The sheer volume of words I am capable of writing.
How the words seem to have a will of their own.
How hard it can be to stop sometimes.

It makes me wonder what I’ll write next, if what I write will change over time–or if what I write will end up changing me. I’m curious to see where it will go. It’s weird, but it feels like I’m just along for the ride. The words are in charge, and they want out.

Who knows what they could make me do next!

Definitely not me.
I’m just the scribbler.

Any major dude with half a heart surely will tell you my friend
Any minor world that breaks apart falls together again
When the demon is at your door
In the morning it won’t be there no more
–Steely Dan/Any Major Dude

And now you find the wishes you were granted
Things you thought were in your hands
Have slipped away, how much can you withstand?
–Everything But The Girl/Disenchanted

Do I search for you when I know you can’t be found?
–Cowboy Junkies/Crescent Moon

In the mid-90’s it occurred to me that there might be people to talk to on this thingie called the Internet. I was married, but spending a lot of time on my own, working a compressed schedule, and I needed something new to occupy my brain and a lot of days off. I thought a computer might be fun so I convinced my then husband that I needed something to do since he worked so much, and brought home a very expensive Packard Bell monstrosity with a screaming fast 14.4 modem. I then proceeded to spend every waking moment playing with it, taking computer-related classes and generally immersing myself in the technology. I supposed it paid off financially, since I did end up going into IT a few years later. It was entirely accidental.

The other attraction was that I found Italians in there.
I *really* like Italians. Male and female. I don’t care. Italians are a lot of fun.
Most of my early computing was done with the assistance of the very charming Italian community on MSN. They were up until all hours of the night in Italy, and I was home in the daytime with no supervision. They taught me about email and how to replace a hard drive or upgrade RAM. My Italian improved dramatically. It was a match made somewhere in the vicinity of Heaven.

Well, not if you asked my then-husband what HE thought about it. He wasn’t ever around, because he worked all the time so it’s not like anyone would have asked him. Over the next few years, I got used to him being at work so much. Once I was used to it, I found that I really enjoyed having my time all to myself again. Then I found I resented it when he was around at all. He resented that I was more interested in playing with a toy than spending time with him in the few hours a week he was around. He kind of wished the computer would just go away.

Be careful what you wish for.

The computer did go away. It went into the apartment I moved into when I decided I didn’t want to be married any more. Your emotional mileage may vary, of course, but when I first moved out when I decided to get a divorce, the main thing I felt was relief. Like waves. A year later, there was an emotional backlash. A bad one. People on the Internet were there for both. One of my Italian friends, who I met in the Real World both here and in Italy, talked to me almost every morning for years while I was on my way to work in the morning, and he was on his way home. He was a life line.

There was a definite upside to having people to talk to any time I needed them. Especially since the people I was talking to were in a different time zone. They were up and awake when I was up in the middle of the night not sleeping. It’s much easier for me to communicate in writing than it is verbally, so that was also helpful. It was even easier to write in Italian than it was to talk to real people verbally in English. There was always someone around to cajole me out of a mood. Someone to spend an hour sending me an Italian pop song.

On the other hand, though, it was also a way for me to avoid seeing anyone out in the Default World. A way to completely avoid thinking about what a wreck my life was. And it was most definitely a wreck. I was doing fairly well at work, but personally I was single and more or less suicidal. I’ve talked about that in other posts. I did get some really fun tattoos and piercings during that time. I guess that’s a good reminder not to do THAT again.

I never did stop playing with computers entirely. I started working in IT in 1999, and still do IT work today. I don’t spend as much time on a computer recreationally as I did in the 90’s though. I don’t even own a working desktop computer or laptop any more. I’m down to a phone and and iPad. When I need a “real” computer, I borrow a laptop from my husband.

I still spend a lot of time in front of a screen. Writing. Facebooking. Looking up movie quotes. I think I have a better grasp of the hazards now, not that I’m always good at regulating my behavior. I’ll always be a bit of an extremist in most everything I do.
I can’t eat one potato chip. I can’t have one drink. I can’t write one blog post a week. I can’t put a book down after just one chapter. I get a little out of control with things.

That will probably never change.

What has changed though is that I am far more willing to spend time with people in person than I have been in the past. Like I said the other day, I’ll never be the most social person in the world, but these days I am able to spend time with people and enjoy it. As long as I can lock myself in the house for a few days and recover afterwards.

The writing helps.

I think.

Or maybe I’m just using the blog in the same way I used chat rooms in the 90’s.
Well.
Hmm.

Shit.

That’s not really where I saw this ending up.

You know, in theory I’m in charge of what I write. That doesn’t really seem to be how it works out though. In the end, I think the words are the boss of me.

I set out in a certain direction, and generally end up somewhere a little bit unexpected.

A little more puzzled than I was when I started.