Author: Michelle

Friends, lovers, or nothing
You see
There can only be one
Friends, lovers, or nothing
We’ll never be an inbetween
So give it up
–John Mayer/Friends, Lovers or Nothing

With most people you interact with on a regular basis, you have some sort of defined relationship. Sure, there is overlap, but you have work colleagues, acquaintances, friends, and lovers. Sometimes you put an “ex” or “former” in front of it. Maybe a friend morphs into an occasional lover. Maybe a former lover morphs into a friend. Maybe there is a colleague from work who you also hang out with outside of work.

There are, though, some people who just don’t fit entirely into one of those categories.

Maybe they’re a former lover who is still important to you, but being lovers is not an option. Maybe you’re too close or just have too much history to be friends if one or both of you are currently in other relationships. What do you do with those people? When you have a limited number of people in the world who you love, like I do, then you feel very strongly about the people in your life. I hate to lose even one person who I love. It’s a pretty rare occurrence for me, and I want to hang on to as many of them as I possibly can.

I hate to get hung up on the definitions. I certainly don’t want to even remotely imply that my friends are “just friends” but there are a few people in my life who are more than friends, but not lovers, and I’ve never been quite sure how that’s supposed to work. They are people who I love, but who are awkward to be around in some way. Awkward for our partners, awkward for us. Or worse than awkward. Painful at times.

Former lovers who you didn’t love but always liked are fairly easy to deal with, as long as they aren’t completely clueless about how to behave. Former lovers who you love, but weren’t in love with, are also easy to be friends with.

This is all assuming that you have understanding current romantic partners, of course.

Of course, a lot of people also say that men and women can’t be friends at all, because men just want to fuck women. I have to call bullshit on that. Perhaps we do want to fuck each other, but does that mean we can’t be friends? Does it mean that just because we want to fuck each other that we will not be able to be faithful to our current partners? Not in my experience, although there are obviously some people who are far more of a challenge in that regard than others. There are also probably people who can’t get past wanting to fuck each other and can’t be friends.

I think it just depends on the people.

If you’re hoping that I’m going to come to some sort of conclusion on the best way to handle this, I’m sorry to disappoint you. I’m all gorked out on cold meds, and I am even more emotionally/logically/philosophically challenged than I usually am. ***

Plus, I just don’t know.

I tend to handle it like I handle every emotional challenge: by being completely inept and relying on luck and the good will of the other people involved to figure something out. Mostly that seems to work for me. People who know me well enough to love me seem to realize that although I am a dork, I am a dork with good intentions. Maybe that counts for something.

I think it will be alright.
I’m almost sure it will.

***an example of just how gorked out I am:
I just washed my hair with hand lotion. It didn’t work very well.
Looking forward to some interesting dreams….

I’m not ready as I’ll ever be
I climb the walls, I fall into the sea
I’m not ready as I’ll ever be
And I suppose your guess is more or less as bad as mine
All over but the shouting, just a waste of time
Never mind
–the Replacements/Never Mind

In a class I am taking, we spent a few hours last week talking about the concept of mindfulness and how it relates to certain aspects of daily life, like eating.

For those of you who are not in touch with your New Age side, mindfulness means being fully in the present moment. Slowing down and acknowledging what you are feeling/experiencing right then. Really “being there” when you do things. And stuff. Many people who are trying to live more mindfully do so through the practice of some sort of meditation. In class, we did a guided meditation as a demonstration. Which is sort of the baby steps way to get into it. It was a bit like group hypnosis, only without anyone clucking like a chicken. We did smile through our chests, though, which was impressive.

Driving to work today, it occurred to me that I do something like that with my music selection on my way to and from work. My personal meditation involves putting on music, driving, singing, and (optionally) crying. Obviously, since I’m driving, and doing several other things at once, I can’t call it mindful, and the other day I referred to it as mis-guided meditation. Or, as one of my favorite people put it: it’s an emotional treadmill, with tears as the sweat.

All of the emotional release of meditation without the pesky mindfulness!

I’m sure there would be a market for it if I sold the pre-fab playlists, lyric sheets and driving routes. People like to be told how to do things, and I am naturally bossy. I could be the un-mindfulness-guru! I already have a Cult of Doubt, I could also start a Cult of the Nevermind-ful. It would be fun. We could have drinks, sing and cry. Wait, no drinks. We’re driving.

I’d make fun of mindfulness some more, except…well…
I actually think that mindfulness is a good concept. I hate it when that interferes with the potential for profiteering and expanding my cult, but my personal ethics prohibit it.

There’s a lot of science that confirms the benefits to the mind and body of some sort of practice of mindfulness such as meditation. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy. I suspect the benefits come from sitting peacefully and breathing deeply for a few minutes and becoming fully relaxed. Or more relaxed than usual. Bringing your mind continually back to the present might increase focus in other areas by developing the parts of your brain responsible for discipline.

So, like everything else, I am thinking about it a lot and not doing it while doing something I enjoy doing more. This will surprise no one. Maybe I could start by meditating for a few minutes while I’m lollygagging in bed of a Saturday morning wishing I had a cup of coffee.

I have a hunch I would like not thinking…
Maybe I should try it.

But probably not while I’m driving.
Although, I could possibly try driving mindfully. I’m sure the other drivers would appreciate it.

People
You can never change the way they feel
Better let them do just what they will
For they will
If you let them
Steal your heart from you
–George Michael/Kissing A Fool

There is a balance between making yourself vulnerable in a way that lets love into your life and being a gullible moron. All it takes is one broken heart to drive the vulnerability right out. We shut down internally so we don’t get hurt like that again. Since getting hurt is part of being human, the irony is that shutting down emotionally doesn’t stop us from getting hurt anyway. We’ll get hurt in some way regardless of what we do. We’ll hurt people, too, without realizing, even if we don’t want to. Sometimes we’ll hurt people the most who we love the most. Again with the irony.

Eventually, you figure out that not loving anyone kind of sucks. If you’re moderately bright, maybe you even figure out that you are going have to trust someone again to be able to love and be loved. If you’re me, you will open yourself back up without worrying about pesky details like trust being something that should be earned, and end up being hurt almost as much again. You might also learn that someone having amber eyes even more beautiful than a tiger’s is not the basis of a lasting relationship. (Pity about that. He was really pleasant to look at, if you like exotic men with soft black curls, dark skin and the most beautiful eyes ever..but when the person is as predatory as his tiger eyes, it’s a bad thing. Very, very bad. Especially when the predator may actually believe everything he is telling you.)

There are a few general guidelines which might help navigate the dangerous waters of love and trust. I do love a list:

1. If someone approaches you out of the blue and asks you if you believe in love at first sight, the answer should always be “fuck off, cocksucker.” Not yes or no. Not “why do you ask?” If he asks you this in a language other than English which he should have no reason to know that you speak, stop and wonder how he knows that unless he has been stalking you. Wonder what that might mean about his motives. Don’t think that it’s charming that he seems to know so much about you before he’s even met you. Don’t be tempted to use more ladylike language either. Your message must be brutally clear, or he will find a way to keep moving in on you. If you are lucky, all he’ll want from you is your body. If you aren’t, he might want you to be totally emotionally bound to him so he can crush you better later.

2. If someone reads Camus to you in bed, in French, with candles lit, it might be romance or it might just be a fire hazard. Sometimes it is very hard to tell the difference. It might come down to music selection.

3. If someone doesn’t want you to spend time with your friends, run. Run. Then run some more. If he doesn’t want to meet your friends, run. If he tells you that your friends are probably too conventional for him to spend time with before actually meeting them, kick him in the nuts first and then run because your friends are fucking awesome.

4. If he tells you he wants you all to himself, run. Someone who doesn’t want you to have a life of your own does not have your best interests in mind. It’s easier than you might think to be flattered by this in the beginning. Don’t be. It’s never about you, it’s about him. It’s not because he can’t stand being away from you, it’s because he can’t stand not being able to control you.

5. Don’t let anyone talk you into doing something that you do not want to do for moral or ethical reasons. I’m not talking about doing something you aren’t comfortable with, like, say, bungee jumping. That’s totally fine if he’s trying to get you to get outside of your comfort zone. I’m talking about doing something you think is genuinely wrong. There might be a few situations in which someone might legitimately convince you that your reservations are not valid, but for the most part someone who loves you will not want you to do something that you do not believe is right

6. If anyone tells you that they want to try living in a menage a trois because they so loved the film “Jules et Jim” then make sure you watch the film before even considering it. All three of the protagonists were miserably unhappy. This may not be the result that you are looking for in your own life. If you want to do it because it sounds sexy? Use protection and have a good time.

7. If someone has bad taste in music, you may not be able to get past that in a relationship no matter how soft the black curls are. Especially if the black curls and bad taste belong to a soulless demon in the shape of a man.

8. Most importantly, if your instincts are telling you that something is not right about someone? Listen. You may be one of those people whose instincts are often incorrect. That’s fine, but don’t automatically discount what your gut is saying. Pay attention. Think about it. There’s a chance that something could be wrong.

It feels like there should be a disclaimer here about changing names to protect the innocent. Of course, nobody really was. Including me.

Oh, and I didn’t mention any names.

If anyone in the Eugene area knows of a guy who matches my description of the guy with the tiger eyes, I’m sure it probably isn’t him. Unless he’s in his early 50’s and Kurdish. In that case, you should probably consider running. Far, far away. Maybe lock up your daughters. See if you can take his copy of “La Peste” away from him while you’re at it. He’d be lost without Camus.