And she had no fear
And she ran to him
Then they started to fly
They looked backward and said goodbye–Blue Öyster Cult/Don’t Fear The Reaper
Fire (been on fire, don’t recommend it)
Being disfigured (see above)
Being seen (what if people don’t like what they see?)
Being invisible (what if no one even knows I’m alive?)
Being alone (forever)
Crowds (panic, until I get to a spot that is assigned to me, such as my seat at Autzen)
Not loving anyone (see being alone)
Spiders (SPIDERS?! Where?!?)
Speaking (what if someone hears me and hates me?)
Being silent (what if I look like a dumbass?)
Bad haircuts (what if I look bad?)
Monsters (I’m safe if I am in bed and covered up to the neck. I know it’s not logical, but I believe that monsters can’t eat me if I’m under the covers)
Looking out a window after dark (what if there is a monster or evil doer out there? what if there’s a vampire, and he asks to be let in and I let him in?)
Guns (what if I get held up again? what if I accidentally shoot someone? what if they shoot me?)
Being understood (people might think I’m weird, and they’d be right)
Being misunderstood (people might think I’m normal, and they’d be wrong)
Giant squid (who isn’t afraid of giant squid?)
Losing my eyes (maybe that’s just part of disfigurement…)
Dying (but not being dead)
Living badly (define badly)
Open closet doors (see monsters)
People (what could possibly be scarier than people?)
Sharks (see giant squid and monsters, who wants to get eaten to death?)
Change (what if it’s worse after we change it? what if I hate it?)
Stagnation (what if it stays like this forever?)
Common themes? Yeah. There are a lot of “what ifs” involved in being afraid. What ifs are useful in a very limited capacity if you are just going over them quickly and then make a decision you can act on. Running them over and over is just. Sigh. I try to avoid it as much as I can, OK?
I’d say that it’s hard being me, but it isn’t true. It’s easy to be me most of the time. You just have to have a high tolerance for being an over-analytical dumbass. On the other hand, if you were me, you’d have my friends and family which pretty much rocks.
When I’ve encountered things I’m afraid of–being held at gunpoint, being on fire, spiders in the closet–I’ve always been OK after it was over. I’m very lucky. Other fears just have to sort of be ignored. I’m panicky in crowds, but if I want to watch football I have to go into a very crowded stadium at some point. I pre-medicate at the tailgater, take a deep breath at the East gate, pretend I’m fine and go on in. It hasn’t killed me yet.
I keep talking even though I’m afraid that people might either understand or misunderstand me. In person, it’s pretty common for me to not say anything at all unless I am comfortable around you. Writing in public is my way of getting over that. Maybe if I keep explaining myself NO ONE will understand me. Any way, it’s a lot easier for me not to be scared in writing than it is when I’m talking in person. Or maybe I’m just as scared, but I just keep hitting keys on the keyboard until words come out. In person, I can’t do that…
Plus, usually when you talk? You have to talk to PEOPLE. What could possibly be more terrifying than people? What could be better than people? One of my catch-22 fears. Again with the luck, I have a lot of wonderful people in my life. I talk to them. They don’t scare me anymore. Much.
And you know what? Contrary to what I always believed, the more I act like myself, and the more I say what I really think (no matter how weird I think it is) the better people seem to like me.
Just don’t ask me to look out the window at night and see what’s making that noise outside. I won’t do it.
