Category: Imaginary Conversation

Did I tell you that the other day I realized that I had been pronouncing and spelling the word obstinate incorrectly for my entire life?

Obstinant?

Yes, exactly. 

No, do you mean obstinant?

That is what I am saying. It isn’t obstinant. It’s obstinate. 

No way. 

Way. 

I’ve been saying it wrong too!

I must have looked it up 20 times to make sure. 

What else do you suppose you are wrong about?

There is no telling. It could be anything. I’m just going to have to be prepared for it.  

Who told you? 

No one. I was saved by autocorrect. Of course I didn’t believe it. So I looked it up before I sent the message and discovered that I was wrong. 

While cursing autocorrect, naturally. 

Of course. Like you do. 

So you didn’t have to tell anyone you were wrong. 

I don’t mind being wrong. And stop snickering. 

You do too mind. 

I’m wrong sometimes. Like everyone. Seriously. Stop. Snickering is not polite when I am baring my soul. 

Obstinately. 

Ass. 

What other favorite words do you think you have wrong?

None, I hope. Do you think I should make a list of my favorite words and post them as an excuse to spell check them all?

Oh yeah. Everyone wants to read a list of words. 

Some people like words. 

Do not post a list of words on the blog. 

You aren’t my editor. 

Clearly. 

What else should I not post about?

There’s an awful lot of shit about feelings. 

Yes. That is because I have feelings quite often. 

You really do. Oh, don’t look at me like that. 

It’s how I look when people are being douche canoes. 

I don’t mean it. I like to hear about your feelings. 

That is unfortunate, because now I am going to have to change my focus. 

Uh huh. 

To the wonderful world of fleece. 

Fleece?

Fleece. 

The stuff they make sweatshirts of?

No, no. The stuff that grows on sheep and alpacas and stuff. 

Fleece. 

Fleece! I have a lot of it, you know. 

No, I did not know that about you. What do you do with it?

Spin it. 

Spin it?

Why are you repeating everything I say?

Because sometimes I find you what you say a little bit confusing. 

Spinning is when you take the fleece, and prepare it in whatever way…and then you use a spindle or spinning wheel to turn it into thread or yarn. 

Are you kidding me?

About what?

You know how to spin?

Sure.

Sometimes you can be very surprising. 

Thanks. 

I’m not sure I meant it as a compliment. 

I took it as one. 

Because you are obstinate. 

No, because I am an optimist. 

You are not. 

Am too. I am an optimistic pessimist. 

Meaning?

A lot of shitty things are going to happen, but I will always be OK. 

Optimistic pessimism?

Right. 

I like it. 

No, you just like me. 

That, you are right about. 

Thanks. 

We need to teach you to accept a compliment.

I never get any–and stop rolling your eyes at me!

You get them all the time, and you act weird every time. 

It’s not an act, you know. I am weird. 

Yes, but you are especially weird when someone says something nice to you. 

Like what?

I loved the post you wrote about teenagers having the right idea about love. 

There were so many things I should have added! It could have way better!

See?

What? It could have. 

That was a compliment. 

And I should have said?

“Thank you, I’m happy you enjoyed it.” 

Got it. 

That color looks amazing on you. 

I need to fix the tear in the sleeve. This poor dress is…oh. “Thank you so much!”

Maybe there’s hope for you. 

I’m moderately trainable. 

You are one of the smartest people I know. It’s why I love you. 

There are way smarter people than me, you know…

What was that about being trainable?

D’oh!

You talk about writing a lot. Do you actually write as much as you talk about it?

Ugh. Really? Am I awful and pretentious?

Awful, yes.  Not pretentious.

Fucker. 

Heh. 

It’s not like I am writing the Great American Anything. 

No?

No. It’s more like the Minor American Exercise In Mental Masturbation. 

It can’t be that bad!

Oh, it’s not. But it isn’t significant. 

Do you want it to be?

It started as a exercise in openness and vulnerability when I was trying to not be so private about everything. 

You definitely don’t seem overly private now–you must have been successful. Don’t you think that’s significant?

Yes, it really worked. Maybe it isn’t entirely insignificant. Not to me, anyway. 

What sort of things do you write about?

Anything. Nothing. Some stories. Random thoughts. Conversations. Blowjobs. 

So I take it your mother doesn’t read your blog. 

Sure she does!

Even the posts about blowjobs? That’s awesome. 

She’s pretty great. 

So what do you say about blowjobs?

Whatever happens to cross my mind. For instance, I might mention how it’s too bad that super huge guys never get good blowjobs. 

Guys always think they want a foot and a half long penis, but what are they going to do with it?

Exactly. It isn’t going to fit in any orifice.

Right. 

And biology and blood flow being what they are, it’s never going to be fully erect anyway. Like trying to use a firehose that only has a trickle of water coming through it. 

You’d pass out if you got a hard on.

Exactly, and even if you found a woman with an orifice big enough to stick that firehose in, it wouldn’t work very well. 

Why not?

Friction. A semi-erect cock creates too much friction for penetration. 

I suppose you’re right. 

I’m definitely right. I’ve seen the principle in action. 

Do tell?

No, it’s too depressing. Let’s just say that getting something that size to deploy is a lot less fun than a sexual experience ever should be. 

And now I know what not to wish for if I ever encounter a genie lamp. 

I can give you a size range of you’d like…

No, no..I’m staying OEM all the way. 

It’s a wise decision. 

Thanks. 

Unless you’re horrifically small or something. 

No, no. Not at all. 

It seems like that is something that should be disclosed ahead of time. To save embarassment later. 

Why not just have us marked in some way if we are out of the allowable size range for sex?

That wouldn’t work. People like different sizes. You’d need specifics. 

You’ve given this some thought!

Yes. And you know, I’ve changed my mind. I’d rather have it be a surprise. 

I wasn’t looking forward to reporting for measurements, anyway. 

Yeah. It would be a whole process. You’d need a fully erect measurement for it to be at all valid, and what if people were shy? They could be mis-categorized. 

You’re a little insane, aren’t you?

Sure.  By the way, this is exactly the kind of discussion that ends up in my blog.

Really? Good to know. How am I doing?

I’ll let you know once I write you in. Fine so far, I think. I’ll come off as a lunatic, but that’s normal. 

Can you make me taller?

Absolutely. All of the men in the blog are around 6’2. Will that do?

Sure. I don’t want to be picky in my debut.