An imaginary conversation about being eaten by an alligator

I bet if I came up with some good click bait titles, my blog would get a lot more views. 

Like what?

Oh, you know, something like “and you will never believe what happens next!”

Or maybe “I tried that one weird old trick to burn belly fat, and it worked.”

Exactly. 

Do people really click on that stuff?

I hope my friends don’t!

We don’t. 

Maybe I could try something about fluffy kitties. Everyone likes fluffy kitties. 

Or puppies. Puppies are popular. 

I’m not sure how much I have to say about fluffy kitties and puppies…but I guess all I really need are good titles. 

People seem to like firefighters. 

Dalmatian puppy rescues squad of sleeping firefighters!

He could be wearing a fire hat. 

Exactly. And a hunky firefighter could be holding him. 

In front of the fire engine. 

Right. It would appeal to everyone. 

Then what?

Yeah. There are only so many times I can use firefighters and puppies. 

I dunno…there’s a reason it’s a classic. 

Focusing on baby animals seems a little limiting. 

Why are you thinking about increasing your readership?

Oh, I’m not really. 

No?

Well, I am thinking about it, but not in a serious way. 

Why not?

Because then I would have to do things like actually thinking about content. 

Don’t you already do that?

Not much lately. 

Really?

I think about it, and then don’t write it. 

Because…?

Sore arm, partly. Other things to do. Partly. Other priorities, I guess. 

Other people.

That, too. 

Is it problem?

What?

Not writing. 

I worry that writing less will mean I am thinking less. 

You probably don’t need to worry too much about that. 

Maybe it means I am losing my creativity. 

Seriously?  

Not my creativity, I guess, but my focus. 

Is it a problem? Does it bother you?

A little. 

You’ll do what is important to you when you need to do it. 

That’s true enough. 

What about alligators?

Alligators?

People always like a good story about alligators. 

I don’t know any alligators?

Uh, what?

Aren’t you supposed to write about what you know?

Make something up. Isn’t that what you do?

Oh. Yeah. Fiction. 

Maybe your angel could be attacked by alligators from Hell. 

From Hell? Aren’t the ones in Florida bad enough?

Maybe a puppy could rescue a bunch of firefighters from an alligator!

Maybe I should think of some ideas of my own…

Probably a good idea. 

Thanks. 

Lop eared bunnies riding elephants?

You aren’t helping. 

An imaginary conversation about being a hypochondriac

I think I broke my ribs at the gym last night.

You did not break your ribs.

Google disagrees.

While you’re Googling, you should look up the symptoms of hypochondria.

OK. Wait, what? I am not a hypochondriac!

Yes. You are most definitely a hypochondriac. 

No.

Do you want me to read the definition to you?

No, I can read it myself. 

You probably should. 

OK. Fine. I am kind of a hypochondriac. 

Kind of?

A lot. 

You have a different imaginary illness every week. 

Some of them are real. 

One. One of them was real, but your overall stats are pretty bad.

Everyone says that.

Why do you think that is?

Because I always think that everything I notice about my body is some sort of illness.

You’re so dramatic. 

Always have been. 

At least you’re getting better at sarcasm. 

Are you being serious right now?

Well, I thought you were getting better at it…

An imaginary conversation about splooge

Spell check corrects splooge as apologetic. Huh. 

Why do you need to write the word splooge?

Because I was wondering…

Wondering?

Yeah, wondering. 

About splooge?

Yeah, about splooge. 

What about it?

You’ll just laugh. 

No, I won’t. 

You will, I was wondering about some funny shit. 

I can’t dispute that logic, I guess. 

Trust me. Funny. 

So you won’t tell me what was so funny about splooge?

What isn’t funny about splooge?

Fair enough. 

For one thing, just the names for it are funny. Even the real one. Semen. It’s silly. And don’t even get me started on the nicknames!

Like what?

You know–spunk, jizz, cum.

And that’s what you thought was so funny I would be compelled to laugh?

No, no. 

What was it?

Well, I was thinking about the Olympics. 

And..?

What events would there be?

Events?

Yeah. If there was a splooge Olympics. 

A what?

You heard me. 

Yeah, but I don’t quite believe it. 

So, the first event would be the long spunk. 

Oh, my God. Seriously. The long spunk. You’re insane. What else?

Synchronized jizzing. 

Naturally. 

High cum?

Of course. 

You aren’t laughing…

It’s not funny. 

C’mon. It’s funny. Synchronized jizzing is funny!

Not really. 

Then why are your shoulders shaking?

You caught me. 

What was it that got you?

The long spunk. 

But then I got stuck. 

Stuck in the jizz…

In a manner of speaking…I couldn’t come up with any more good event names. 

No?

Well, there would need to be some sort of sprint jacking event. 

Nice. 

And a distance event, maybe a jerkathon. 

Timed ejaculating and non-ejaculating events. 

Exactly! 

Some sort of quantity event. 

Of course. 

You’ll need to do some more research. 

Can you help with that?

I’m something of an expert in the topic. 

What’s your best event?

You may have to run me through several. 

On your marks,,,get set…

Wait!

What?

Just want to make sure you understand I am not doing any team events or relays. 

Understood. Go!