Category: Imaginary Conversation

Before we do this, we should have a talk about whether or not we are ready for this level of commitment. 

Well, for one thing, we may have to buy medicine for them. We should really split that cost. 

I’m on disability, girlfriend. I can’t afford that. 

We’re creating new lives, we have to be responsible about it. We can’t just let them get sick!

Maybe we should sleep on it. 

You should have thought if that before you brought me a bag of freeze dried children. 

You haven’t reconstituted them yet?

No, you have to let the water sit for 24 hours with the purifying powder in it. Didn’t you research this before giving them to me?

No, I thought you just dumped them in the water. 

There’s a process. The eggs go into the water tomorrow. 

Unless we change our minds. 

Well, if you think it’s too much shared responsibility this early in our relationship. 

Pets are a big step. 

It was your idea!

I know. I think it will be OK.  We’re both relatively…

Do NOT say mature. 

No. Hell no. I was going to say responsible and loving. 

Oh.  Well yeah.  But NOT mature. 

No way. 

Have you seen the price list for parts and accessories?

Parts and accessories?

Yeah. For instance, I am a little put out that you didn’t get me the Executive Sea Monkey kit. 

I had no idea such a thing existed. 

I’ll email you the list. Do you want to get a Sea Monkey diploma?

It seems like a good idea if we are going to parent them. What does it entail?

A check, of course. $13 plus shipping and handling. 

And we’d both want one?

Well, I’d want one to put up in my cubicle. 

Of course you would. 

Any proud parent would!

Maybe we could just teach them French instead. 

Eh oui. Good idea!

Thanks!

I’ll send you pictures when I dump the eggs into the purified water and reanimate the freeze dried monkey babies. 

Perfect. Talk to you tomorrow. 

Happy Father’s Day!
  

i can’t believe you’re leaving before I had a chance to show you all of the official sights of my island..

Don’t you think I’ll be back?

You’ll definitely be back. 

Yes, I will. 

But I didn’t even take you to the lighthouse, or to see the bicycle in the tree, or the coffee roasterie or the Sea Monkey Museum. 

We can go to the lighthouse any time and …wait, there’s a Sea Monkey museum? Why was I not informed of this? Is it open on Sunday?

Well, that isn’t quite the reaction  I was expecting…

But SEA MONKEYS!

Wow. 

The King of the Sea Monkeys has a trident, you know. 

I don’t even know where to start..

About?

I’m just going to have to say it. 

What?

There isn’t really a Sea Monkey museum. 

Wait, you lied to me about something this important?

Really? It’s important?

SEA MONKEYS!

It’s really disconcerting how excited you get about sea monkeys. 

Don’t you remember the ads in comic books? The king of sea monkeys had a crown! And a trident!

I’m really sorry that I started this. I mean, I am really sorry to disappoint you. 

Well, fuck. There needs to be a Sea Monkey Museum. Can we start one?

I am just a little taken aback by the direction this whole conversation has taken right now. 

So, I should stop yelling SEA MONKEYS?

Would you mind?

Not at all. 

Thank you. 

You’re welcome. 

The next time you are here, I will be a better host. 

How could you possibly have been a better host? I mean, aside from lying to me about the Sea Monkey Museum. That was a blow to my level of trust. 

Really?

NO. Of course not. 

That’s a relief. 

When can I come back?

Whenever you want. 

Will you get me some sea monkeys?

Do they still sell them?

Yes. I got some on Amazon for a co-worker last year!

Because…?

She hadn’t ever had any before. It’s a whole story. 

Ah. Everything seems to be a story with you. 

Is that a bad thing?

No, no. I enjoy it. 

We also had a pet house fly named Ruprecht. 

Of course you did. 

That’s also a story. 

I figured as much. 

Let me know if you want to hear it. 

Soon. Right now I am going to make you stop talking. 

How are you going to….ohhhh! Yes. 

Shhhh…

What? I don’t get it. You feel like curling up in a ball?  Why would you need to curl up in a ball?

It’s a metaphorical ball. Not a real one.

Any kind if ball. Real or imagined. 

Protection? Self defense? Surrender? To sulk?

None of those things sound much like you. 

Not even the sulking?

You spend more time saying you’re going to sulk than actually sulking. 

I don’t really feel like sulking right now. 

What do you feel like?

I already told you. I feel like curling up in a ball and pulling the covers over my head. 

But why?

Because!

Because? 

I don’t know. 

You don’t know?

No. 

No?

Stop it. 

You do know. Or you have some idea. 

I’m tired. 

Tired? So take a nap. Go to bed early. 

Mentally. Emotionally. If I curl up in a ball, maybe it would be like an emotional nap. 

Do you need a hug?

Definitely. The biggest one ever. 

How come?

Because. 

Don’t make me use physical force…

Because I feel really awful about myself, and I know I shouldn’t and I know there isn anything wrong with me and a lot of things are very right about me and I feel awful about myself anyway and I feel guilty and stupid about feeling this useless and stupid anyway and I am tired of feeling all the time. 

Take a breath. What is going on?

I keep ending up with bruises real bruises and just bruised feelings and i’m tired of physical damage lasting longer than the relationship. 

Huh?

I’m sorry. 

Why are you apologizing to me? You haven’t done anything to me. I just can’t figure out what you’re saying?

I’m being a baby. 

You’re having a shitty day. It’s OK. 

No it isn’t. 

No? You don’t get to have bad days?

No. Yes. I mean, I should be able to handle it better. 

Should you?

Yes. 

Why?

Because. 

You don’t even really know, do you?

Because I am not four. I should be a grownup. 

Don’t grownups have shitty days?

Of course, but they don’ whine and carry on about it like I do. 

You do have a certain flair. 

You’re mean. I’m having a bad day. You should be nice. 

Crybaby. 

Sniff. 

Please don’t really start crying. 

I won’t. I can’t cry when you aren’t being nice to me. 

What? 

Well, if you were really being mean to me, I’d cry. But you’re only being mean to me because you know it makes me cry when people are nice to me. 

You could tell?

Yes, because you’re never mean to me really. 

I could start any time I want to. 

You don’t want to though. 

No, I really don’t. I want you to be happy. 

Because you’re awesome. 

No, because you are. 

I told you not to be nice to me!

Noooo oh god, don’t cry. 

Stop being nice to me!

Oh, go curl up in a ball somewhere you dork. 

Thank you. 

Weirdo. 

Don’t over do it.