Category: Random thoughts

Love isn’t brains, children, it’s blood. Blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love’s bitch, but at least I’m man enough to admit it.
–Spike

Though I do try to be grateful every day, and though I am generally a happysmilinglaughing type of person, sometimes I am unhappy. I’m human, after all, though I hate to admit it. This has been a hard year. I’m allowed to feel it.

Other times, more rarely, I am fortunate enough to not only feel happy, but also “more.”

This is one of those “more” times and I want to acknowledge it because I think it’s just as important as those “less” times and certainly far more enjoyable.

It could end in an instant. So could anything else. So the fuck what. I could be hit by a beer truck crossing NW Marshall tomorrow. A 16 ton weight could land on my bedroom. It seems unlikely. I’m happy right now. People are smiling at me on the street because I’m roaming around all smiling radiant and turned on by life, love, the universe and the green world around me.

Be rational, you say?

Fuck. That. Shit.

I’m going to be happy. I am going to be turned on to things. I am going to use my senses. I am going to feel things even if my rational brain says no. I am going to go for walks and be mind fucked by how Spring in the Willamette Valley has every color of green that can be imagined and some that can only be seen.

I am going to enjoy every second with this new person in my life. (Hey, Thirteen.) And I am not going to be rational about it, second guess what it may or may not turn out to be or worry about it. I am not going to try to rein it in, direct it, or do anything but live it every day while it lasts.

Could it be a huge disaster? Could this new guy be a raging dick who breaks me heart? YES, and that will be on him not on me. Unless I cause the disaster myself. That could also happen.

Could it be a huge miracle that changes everything? YES, and if it is won’t that be amazing?

It could be a lot of things. I don’t care. Fuck could be. Fuck should be. It will be what it is. I am going to take it as it comes.

Isn’t that unlike me?

I may be love’s bitch, but I will enjoy the ride.

It has not escaped me that my blog posts which get the most views fall into two categories:

1. The ones dealing frankly with emotional struggles, near tragedy, financial problems and general strife
2. The ones dealing with penises and masturbation

If I could combine the two into one post involving some sort of emotional trauma caused by or resolved by penises and/or masturbation, my blog viewership increase dramatically. It could take over the world!

Alas, I have no such current trauma to report and in my single state am unlikely to encounter any penises in the near future. As always, I will naturally keep the blog posted if I do encounter any.

Update: since starting to write this post, i have encountered a very promising penis but still have no penis related emotional trauma to report. I’m sure given my history there could be soon, but he appears to have very honorable intentions in spite of the penis. He’s got every appearance of being a good guy.

I could say something about enjoying some forms of trauma, but my mother could be reading this so I will skip that for now.

To summarize, there was really no reason for this post at all except to use the word penis repeatedly in a completely gratuitous manner. I probably should also mention masturbation in the summary paragraph since it was in the opener but I just don’t have it in me.

Sorry. I didn’t sleep much last night.

There’s been so much personal turmoil and work drama in my life in the last several months that I have been full of all sorts of strange, turbulent feelings. Fear and anxiety were taking the lead in a way that is strange for me. I’m always optimistic about life in my own odd, pessimistic way.  After a week in which meeting someone special has reminded me there are a lot of great things waiting for me, I know I have been remiss in gratitude.  A trip to Eugene did a lot to remedy that.

The thing about going to Eugene is that in a lot of ways it’s not like real life. It’s a respite from reality because I only have to be around people I love. I see my friends and family. We enjoy good food, tasty beverages, and conversation about all sorts of things. There’s always a lot of laughter. It is bad for my waistline, but good for my heart and soul.

It reminds me just how lucky I am, and how much love is always around me.

This morning, I headed home with a very full and grateful heart knowing there are good things coming.

I sang all the way.

PS and there was some football, and the sun was out, and I was happy.