Category: Words

On being poor…or rather poorer

With some of the recent events in my life..events that I am the cause of…I find myself in a position where I can no longer just buy shit on any whim.

$60 candles?
Another black eyeliner?
Fluevogs?

Today I felt like curling my hair and realized I have no way of doing so. 3 weeks ago, I’d have popped out for a new curling iron or hot rollers or whatever it is that people use on their hair these days. Now? Given that I haven’t curled my hair since the Clinton administration, I decided that I didn’t need any new hair curling equipment.

Maybe later.

Oh, don’t get me wrong. I make plenty of money. It’s just that I’m living on half as much of it as I am used to. I want to live through several pay cycles so I know what I really have left.

So, I find myself thinking about any potential purchase a lot more than usual, which is such an odd position to be in. There is money even for the luxury of a lawn service and cable. Cable that I barely watch, given that I mostly use the TV for streaming movies and music. But…well…there is True Blood and Game of Thrones. Maybe after the seasons are over I will cancel.

Anyway.

It’s not like I have to worry at all about buying anything I need. Food, electricity, the mortgage…but I need to pay attention. I’ve been in a position for years where I really didn’t have to. I’m not sure that it’s good for a person to be in that position.

Saying “no” to yourself sometimes is not necessarily a bad thing.

Another change to embrace.

And another chance to be grateful for having enough money to live very comfortably on, even on one paycheck. Another chance to be grateful for the job that keeps me in my house. A car that runs reliably. A disposition prone to enjoying time spent at home with my multitude of hobbies.

Yes, a chance to be thankful for being one of the most financially privileged ones in the world.

While I’m at it, another chance to be grateful for my friends and family.

It’s good for me, I think.







An imaginary conversation about buying beer

I definitely know where to pick up guys with beards now.

You need to pick up guys with beards why?

I don’t need to. I already have one. But if I did, I found the mother lode.

And where is this treasure trove of bearded manliness located?

The growler fill store! I was the only female type person there and they all wanted to help me pick the best beer possible.

Right. That is what they wanted.

And they were hoping I would share it with them in bed.

What!?

Well, they were.

Of course they were, you’re adorable.

You’re not objective. I am older than they are.

Can adorable ever be objective? Maybe they think slightly older women are hot.

Maybe. Thanks for thinking I’m adorable even if it’s subjective.

You’re welcome.

Aren’t you going to ask me what we picked?

We? Really?

It was kind of a group decision.

How big was this group?

You’re jealous that random beer store guys helped me pick out an IPA?

No! Yes. Kind of.

Now that is adorable, and flattering too.

So, what did the horde of bearded admirers pick out for you?

It wasn’t quite a horde. There were three of them. A triumvirate of bearded beer geeks. You think I let them decide for me? I am nearly as beer geeky as any cute guy with a beard.

Good point. What did they propose? Wait, you didn’t mention that they were cute…

RPM, something from Lagunitas, and the Stone double IPA. If they weren’t cute, would I have mentioned them at all?

You never can resist a double or triple…and yes, you still would have mentioned them.

True. But I love Boneyard, too.

I know.

You’re right, though.

And you admit it? Wait, which part was I right about?

I always admit when you are right. I just don’t admit when I am wrong. And don’t raise your eyebrow at me.

Sorry. So RPM or Stone?

Stone. Want some?

I’ll get the glasses.







The bachelorette

For one of my weddings, some of my girlfriends held a bachelorette party for me in a sex shop. One of the presentations the staff did while we were there was a discussion of the various brands of lubricants suitable for use in anal sex. One of my friends was very interested and asked a lot of questions, so the demo went on for quite some time. It was certainly more information than I will personally ever need about anal sex.

In case you are wondering, the main lesson about anal lube is that thicker and slipperier is better.

For some reason, at the tattoo shop where I get my ink done, butt stuff is a frequent topic of discussion so at one point I told the story of the party and my friend’s intense interest in anal lube.

Everyone was being quiet and listening intently, which was a little unusual. Finally someone said, “I don’t think I am sexually naive, but I had no idea that there was lube specifically for butt sex.”

One of the artists said “Haven’t you ever heard of Asssstroglide?”
And then came the laughter and jokes of a raunchiness level I have rarely encountered.

It’s good being a catalyst for reprehensible language and behavior.

Eventually someone stopped and said “wait, wait–so did you get a gift certificate? What did you buy?”

So I told them I did get a gift certificate, and was looking at a particular electric toy with a Hitachi brand on it. One of my friends turned to me and said something like “my rice cooker is a Hitachi, and I’ve never had a bit of trouble with it. Reliability is important.”

So I got it.

Everyone at the tattoo shop agreed that you wouldn’t want to be let down at just the wrong moment so it’s important to buy quality products.

I still have it.

My friend was right. Hitachi is a very reliable brand.