I love you.
I love you more.
Not possible.
Well, it’s not a contest!
If it is, then I win.
–Every pair of lovers ever
What if it was a contest? What would the rules be? How would the judging work? What if it was like the Hunger Games, with a TV audience who could send gifts as your sponsor? There would be explosions, poison and traps.
Oh.
Right.
There are already all those things.
It’s love.
Mostly the explosions, poison and traps are metaphorical rather than literal but still. Danger, danger. You’ve got to be in your best form to play the love games. Love is fraught, simply fraught with peril. The game is not about who loves who the most, but about who survives it with their heart in one piece.
For instance, there’s that defining moment of every relationship, the first
“I love you.”
It’s always a wonderful, romantic moment. Or is it?
What if you say it and she doesn’t “I love you” back?
What if she doesn’t reply at all?
What if he replies “I love you too, but not in a romantic way.”
The natural instinct if you like someone, if you care about them at all, is to reply with “I love you,too.” Even if you don’t. Once it’s out, though, how do you take it back? You don’t. You can’t. OK, maybe you can, but I sure wouldn’t be able to.
What about the “I love you” that leaks out during or just after sex? The one you don’t really mean, although you kind of did under the influence of orgasm. That can’t be taken back either. It’s not like you can say “what I actually meant by that is that I love orgasms. You just happened to be there too.”
The wonder is how anyone ever has the balls to say it at all.
It was bad enough to navigate love back in the days before voicemail, call waiting and texting. You didn’t know if someone was home but not answering the phone, but that was pretty unusual in most homes. Generally someone would be running to find out if the phone was for them. You didn’t have to wonder why there was no answer, because you really could believe that a person just wasn’t there to answer. It was kind of paranoid to think that someone was not answering their phone because of you.
Now that we have smart phones?
Did they get your message? Yeah, they did. And they knew it was you, so they could choose whether or not to answer based on who was calling. It doesn’t take very many dates with someone to find out if they’re the kind of person who forgets their phone, has a flip-phone and doesn’t know how to text, never looks at their phone, just doesn’t have their phone on, or forgets to plug their phone in so it’s always dead. You know if they have a job where they can’t have their phone out at work. If you know they’re the person who has their phone with them at all times and is always looking at it? You know they got your message. Now what do you do?
That’s a love game that is only for people with a lot of faith or a lot of courage.
Why are you not getting an answer?
Is it because they are busy? Maybe. If more than a day or two goes by? That’s less likely. If days go by, there is a higher likelihood that they do not want to talk to you. If they wanted to talk to you, they would. It only takes a few seconds to text you and say “I’d love to chat, I miss you, but I’m swamped.” Everyone has a few moments in the morning, or before they go to bed. While they’re having lunch. Waiting for the bartender to take their drink order. Whatever. How long does it take to text someone and let them know you’re thinking about them? Not very long. We find time for the things that are important to us.
Maybe they are involved with someone else and are deleting your messages as soon as they come in so their significant other doesn’t see them. Maybe their significant other IS the one deleting them.
Maybe they are in the hospital, or their mother is gravely ill and they just can’t deal with anyone right now. If it’s someone you are close to, they normally tell you stuff like that. If you don’t know that? Why don’t you? Because they don’t want you to. Or they’d have told you. Or they’d have asked someone to call you. They’d be worried that you’d be worried.
The other possibility, and this is the one you never find out, is if they are just all fucked up. Some people don’t respond because they think you’re mad at them. Or they’re mad at you in error. Or they don’t want you to know how drunk they are. The possibilities are endless, really.
Including the one you are worried about. You know the one. You aren’t getting an answer because they just aren’t interested and are either to chickenshit or to indifferent to tell you.
Or, and this is the hard one, they just aren’t a talker unless it’s in person. If this is the deal, you just have to trust that it’s OK if long periods of time go by without a word.
This is why cell phones make love and friendship so difficult if you are anything but 100% trusting (or gullible).
How much do you like this person? If it’s someone you know well? Could there be some reason they’re angry? Are you too needy? Are you boring? Are they just getting off on making you wait? It is hard to say. These games don’t just apply to romantic partners. Sometimes you get to play them with friends.
It always sucks.
Would it be kinder for someone to gently suggest that you back off? Possibly. If you’re insane, it won’t work. If you aren’t, you might be a little hurt…but not as hurt as you’ll be after being ignored.
The real bitch about any of the love games is that everyone is trying to win and no one is saying what they really think. No one wants to be the mean person, and no one wants to be the one who doesn’t get loved back. This is just as valid for the dissolution of a friendship as it is for a marriage. No one wants to be the one to start the conversation that might end with one of you saying that you’re just not having a good time anymore.
So everyone loses when you play, and the only way to win is if everyone involved agrees to quit the game.
Most of them involve being kind to each other and being adults, and communicating. All of those hard things.
I think putting us all under a dome with some survival equipment and letting us battle it out on television might be a healthier approach.
May the odds be ever in your favor!