Category: Words

You feel the tears filling your eyes.
You don’t try to stop them.
You just let them come.
Then you notice how everything shimmers
just before they begin to spill from your eyes,
one by one
and how they cling to your eyelashes.
You can feel each individual tear fall.
If you pay are paying attention, you will feel the tears begin to cool
as they flow slowly down your cheeks.
You feel how cool the back of your fingers are against your face
as you wipe the tears away
You watch your thoughts spin out of control and then grow calmer
while your heart constricts then relaxes
You notice your breathing getting deeper
as you calm down.
If you cry mindfully
You notice everything more
and then you let it go.

Pessimistic optimism. Or optimistic pessimism.
That’s what I call it.

I expect the worst, and I am delighted to be pleasantly surprised when the worst doesn’t happen. Since my expectations are so very, very bad they are almost never met, and have never been exceeded. I can’t help but be pleased.

For example: if I think the half empty glass on the bar is going to shatter and slit my hand open when I pick it up, I am unfailingly thrilled to find that not only did the glass not shatter, and I have I not cut my hand at all, but in addition the glass is HALF FULL of tasty tequila. Wahoo!

I live in a constant state of cynical joy. Which would be a great name for a band.

See, the thing that people are wrong about is attitude. Pessimists are not necessarily dour and prissy. Some of us are pretty cheerful. Whimsical, even. Practically optimistic. OK, let’s not exaggerate. We’re cheerful, but still pessimistic. Pessimism with a smile does exist.

Of course, maybe I’m not really a pessimist. Maybe I’m more of a cynic.

No. I’m definitely a pessimist. Ms. Downside. I’m also a cynic. On the other hand, I’m not a fatalist, and I don’t think you should just let bad things happen. You should work towards a desired goal even if you don’t think it will ever happen.

Why?

Because even if what you wanted to happen doesn’t (and let’s face it, it probably won’t) it’s still very likely that something equally good or possibly even better will happen instead. It will. It always does. You just have to be happy with what you get instead of getting your pants in a bunch about what your expectations were.

For instance. I made sure I got excellent grades in High School so I could go to a sort of fancy college. During my first visit home from Fancy U, I burned my arm badly and was never able to go back. I finished college right at home in Oregon. Disappointing? Yes. However, as a result, I ended up taking some classes I wouldn’t have taken at the fancy school which lead indirectly to spending several years in France. If I’d stayed at the fancy school, I might have ended up as a chemist or something. Who knows.

I might be a different person now. That would be distressing.

To me.
It would be distressing to me.
You might like me better, I will grant you that.

I’m pretty cool though. Maybe you wouldn’t have liked me as much as a chemist. A chemist wouldn’t be writing this crap though.

I might be less charming than I think I am.
That’s unlikely–as a pessimist, I don’t think I’m charming at all.

Ha!

My mind swirls around. Whorls, whirls
Hurricane cyclone vortex
Ideas words imaginary conversations fall down to the bottom
And float into the whirl again

Conversations that never happened
Wish they had not
Wish they would
Harsher words
Kinder words
More loving
More hateful
More tearful
More forgiveness?

What do you do when you aren’t talking to me?
I think of you.
You do?
All the time
No you don’t.
Not really.
So why did you say it?
To make you happy. Why did you ask if you knew the answer?
Because I didn’t. Not really. I’d like to think that I’m all you think about, but I’m not insane.
I do think of you. But
But?
It’s sexual.
Is that bad?
Not in my mind it isn’t.
It’s OK in your mind, but not in person?
No, it’s good in person too.
You have ethical reservations about thinking about sex or having sex in real life?
No.
So, what’s the problem then?
I don’t know. I don’t let it bother me.
That bothers me. Why can’t you let yourself be bothered?
I don’t know.
You don’t try very hard to know.
Agreed.
That worries me.
Don’t be.
Not worries, frustrates.
Thanks.
I think you like that.
Maybe. Yes.

What are you listening to?
An Italian song. Listen…
Nice. How’d you find out about them?
In Italy.
In Italy?
Sure, a friend played them for me one day.
Friend?
Yeah. He played them for me on the day we met.
Him?
Him.
Just a friend?
Just? Friends are important.
Agreed.
What? Why do you look so dubious?
Is he gay?
Gay? No, why?
If you’re friends. You didn’t fuck him?
What?
It’s not a difficult question.
You can’t you call someone a friend if you’ve fucked them?
No.
No?
No.
Why not?
Because then you aren’t friends, you are lovers.
You can’t be both?
Not with someone you want to fuck.
That’s asinine.
No. Realistic.
So fuck buddies are a myth?
Yes.
Bullshit.

Hey.
Hey.
Where are you?
It’s 6 in the morning. Where do you think?
Did I wake you up?
Of course. It’s 6 in the morning.
Can you meet me?
Right now?
I’m at the bar down the street.
Doing what? They’re closed until lunch.
I have a few hours until my first meeting. Come and talk to me.
You aren’t going to break up with me in the parking lot, are you?
What? No. What? Can you come?
Sure. I’ll jump in the shower and be right there.
No, now.
Can I brush my teeth?
Yes. Brush your teeth. I know you won’t brush your hair.
I could just stay in bed.
Hurry up.