There’s a theory about taking someone’s words or actions personally that goes something like this:
You shouldn’t take anything personally. You aren’t responsible for what people say or do, you can only control your reaction to it.
It’s always kind of bugged me, because while it’s mostly kind of pretty much true…on another level it just isn’t.
Once I had a first date with a guy who managed to insult me twice before we even got our dinner. When I arrived, he told me I was too fat, and after I ordered he said I was terrible at ordering food because my choices were boring. Apparently, it is not OK to order asparagus risotto in an Italian restaurant during asparagus season just because I like it. I should have had fish, even though I don’t like most fish. Who knew? When I pointed out that it was a little off-putting for him to refer to me as fat when he was well aware of my enormous girth when he asked me out, he told me that I shouldn’t take it personally and gave me the line about not being responsible for how I feel.
To which I said (entirely in my head) FUCK YOU, douchebag! Although there is a great deal of truth in that, it doesn’t make you any less of an asshole for calling me a fat, unadventurous eater. I’m responsible for my reaction to what you say, but you’re responsible for saying it in the first place. Choose not to react to my reaction, creep.
While I agree that it’s true that we and we alone are responsible for how we react to life, that doesn’t magically absolve people from any responsibility for what they do and say. “Oh, but you CHOSE to react negatively when I slept with your friend. That’s not my fault.” Well. Maybe that’s true, but you’re still a dick who slept with my friend. No, it doesn’t matter that we had already stopped seeing each other. It wasn’t that long ago. It’s creepy. No, I don’t want to hear you compare and contrast.
In the case of my dinner date, he continued the dating excellence by breaking up with me while we were still eating dinner. I must have looked pretty puzzled by this, because he asked me why I had such a weird look on my face. I asked why he didn’t just not ask me on a second date, because we really didn’t have anything to breakup from yet. He said he wanted our relationship to be clear. I promised not to ask for alimony. He didn’t laugh. We were clearly soul mates. I miss him.
Sometimes you just can’t help but take things personally. If someone says you’re fat and ugly, that is personal and it would make anyone with a normal amount of human feelings feel sad or angry. It doesn’t mean it’s true, or that you should get overly upset about it, but it’s OK to feel crappy about it for a while and then move on. It might even be OK to pour a drink over his head in very special circumstances that I don’t have time to discuss here. We’ve already established that I have issues with the moving on part, but…well…shut up.
Do you have a problem with that?!
I didn’t think so.
