Category: Words

People
You can never change the way they feel
Better let them do just what they will
For they will
If you let them
Steal your heart from you
–George Michael/Kissing A Fool

There is a balance between making yourself vulnerable in a way that lets love into your life and being a gullible moron. All it takes is one broken heart to drive the vulnerability right out. We shut down internally so we don’t get hurt like that again. Since getting hurt is part of being human, the irony is that shutting down emotionally doesn’t stop us from getting hurt anyway. We’ll get hurt in some way regardless of what we do. We’ll hurt people, too, without realizing, even if we don’t want to. Sometimes we’ll hurt people the most who we love the most. Again with the irony.

Eventually, you figure out that not loving anyone kind of sucks. If you’re moderately bright, maybe you even figure out that you are going have to trust someone again to be able to love and be loved. If you’re me, you will open yourself back up without worrying about pesky details like trust being something that should be earned, and end up being hurt almost as much again. You might also learn that someone having amber eyes even more beautiful than a tiger’s is not the basis of a lasting relationship. (Pity about that. He was really pleasant to look at, if you like exotic men with soft black curls, dark skin and the most beautiful eyes ever..but when the person is as predatory as his tiger eyes, it’s a bad thing. Very, very bad. Especially when the predator may actually believe everything he is telling you.)

There are a few general guidelines which might help navigate the dangerous waters of love and trust. I do love a list:

1. If someone approaches you out of the blue and asks you if you believe in love at first sight, the answer should always be “fuck off, cocksucker.” Not yes or no. Not “why do you ask?” If he asks you this in a language other than English which he should have no reason to know that you speak, stop and wonder how he knows that unless he has been stalking you. Wonder what that might mean about his motives. Don’t think that it’s charming that he seems to know so much about you before he’s even met you. Don’t be tempted to use more ladylike language either. Your message must be brutally clear, or he will find a way to keep moving in on you. If you are lucky, all he’ll want from you is your body. If you aren’t, he might want you to be totally emotionally bound to him so he can crush you better later.

2. If someone reads Camus to you in bed, in French, with candles lit, it might be romance or it might just be a fire hazard. Sometimes it is very hard to tell the difference. It might come down to music selection.

3. If someone doesn’t want you to spend time with your friends, run. Run. Then run some more. If he doesn’t want to meet your friends, run. If he tells you that your friends are probably too conventional for him to spend time with before actually meeting them, kick him in the nuts first and then run because your friends are fucking awesome.

4. If he tells you he wants you all to himself, run. Someone who doesn’t want you to have a life of your own does not have your best interests in mind. It’s easier than you might think to be flattered by this in the beginning. Don’t be. It’s never about you, it’s about him. It’s not because he can’t stand being away from you, it’s because he can’t stand not being able to control you.

5. Don’t let anyone talk you into doing something that you do not want to do for moral or ethical reasons. I’m not talking about doing something you aren’t comfortable with, like, say, bungee jumping. That’s totally fine if he’s trying to get you to get outside of your comfort zone. I’m talking about doing something you think is genuinely wrong. There might be a few situations in which someone might legitimately convince you that your reservations are not valid, but for the most part someone who loves you will not want you to do something that you do not believe is right

6. If anyone tells you that they want to try living in a menage a trois because they so loved the film “Jules et Jim” then make sure you watch the film before even considering it. All three of the protagonists were miserably unhappy. This may not be the result that you are looking for in your own life. If you want to do it because it sounds sexy? Use protection and have a good time.

7. If someone has bad taste in music, you may not be able to get past that in a relationship no matter how soft the black curls are. Especially if the black curls and bad taste belong to a soulless demon in the shape of a man.

8. Most importantly, if your instincts are telling you that something is not right about someone? Listen. You may be one of those people whose instincts are often incorrect. That’s fine, but don’t automatically discount what your gut is saying. Pay attention. Think about it. There’s a chance that something could be wrong.

It feels like there should be a disclaimer here about changing names to protect the innocent. Of course, nobody really was. Including me.

Oh, and I didn’t mention any names.

If anyone in the Eugene area knows of a guy who matches my description of the guy with the tiger eyes, I’m sure it probably isn’t him. Unless he’s in his early 50’s and Kurdish. In that case, you should probably consider running. Far, far away. Maybe lock up your daughters. See if you can take his copy of “La Peste” away from him while you’re at it. He’d be lost without Camus.

You might believe in God. Most people do.

I do not.

No, not even a little bit.

I’m not sure I even believe in such a thing as the human soul, although it’s such an attractive concept that I have a lot of trouble letting go of the idea. Which is a bit of a clue to me that it might not be a true thing. I like to believe that there’s a certain spark that makes us each individuals, something that is uniquely “us” about each of us, but I suspect that it all may be biochemical trickery.

It’s pretty much the same for a unique spiritual side to us. I like the idea…but…I can’t quite believe in it. I don’t think there’s anything about us that lives on after we are gone. I don’t think we look down from any sort of Heaven. I think we are just gone once we die. Anything that remains is in what people remember about us.

Sometimes people wonder how a person can get through life without believing in a god. To me, it’s not any different than not believing in Santa. A lot of people who do believe are very offended by that. I respect everyone’s right to believe whatever they want. Typically that same level of respect isn’t granted to people who don’t believe in what is, to us, an imaginary construct no different than any other myth.

Immoral, amoral, heathen, unfit parent…there are a lot of less than respectful labels thrown at atheists.

People ask us how we can possibly know right from wrong without some sort of religion. The same way they do–out parents teach us what they believe, we read, we have a society we live in.

And to tell you the truth, I don’t believe in a universal right and wrong, either.

People can believe in a lot of things. I might believe that there’s an invisible green elephant with super powers who lives in the middle of the median of I-5 at Hwy 217. You might point out that no one can see the elephant, and I can’t prove it is there. No one can see God, either, and most people of religion dispense with a requirement for proof by waving Faith around. You might point out that almost everyone believes in God, but I’ m the only one who believes in the elephant.

Well. Yeah. So?

Just because almost everyone believes in something doesn’t make it correct.
At one time, nearly everyone believed that the Earth was the center of the universe and only a few thought it was the sun.

We know who was right about that. We also know how threatened organized religion was about it. Threatened enough to call it heresy and imprison and kill over it. Kill people just for believing something different.

I’m not a fan.

Believe what you want. I don’t care. Just don’t be a douche about it and think your beliefs are the only correct ones or that they should control what anyone else does.

There’s room enough for a multiplicity of beliefs on our planet.

Even green elephants if that’s what makes you happy.

I’ll be over here drinking from a skull and celebrating Doubt.
L’chaim.